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No Air

heartbreak

Have you ever had someone take your breath away?
I mean really, take it away.
Just a look and you’re breathless.…
At, first you are able to handle it.
But the closer they come, the harder it is.
His lips on mines,
Air leaves me.
Lungs collapse under
The thought of this love.
This love that is lost.
Over his dishonesty.
Air slowly comes back.
But then
His nose nudging mines.
The air leaves again.
Thoughts of hurt tremble away as your hand runs over my thigh.
Tears begin to fall as your lips connect with mine.
I can no longer breathe.
His love is suffocating me.
The thought of us has me trapped.
So many emotions flow through me.
I’m unable to move even though I need to.
I can’t stay here, in this space.
I’m no longer yours.
I don’t belong here.
But even with the air gone
I feel so alive.
Light headed…unclear thinking. Adrenaline pumping.
I’m here.
No air.
But living…in the moment of you.

Photo credits: http://www.sassydspirits.com

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How To Face A Break Up Via Social Media

So, it’s happened. The unthinkable. That beautiful, funny, perfect relationship you were just tweeting about last weekend is over. Oh no! What now?? How do you save face when you just posted a million kissy face pictures with you and your ex boo? I mean, now you have to go and hang your head and let the world now that you have failed again and love don’t live here anymore. But, you don’t want to look like a fool. Here are a few tips to help you successfully survive a break up via social media. FYI, I should have taken my own advice this week…but eh.

1. Step Away From the Meme’s!

Okay, I know how you feel. You are ready to let the world know that you are a good woman and you can hold your man down and you saw the perfect meme for it, but…no. Just no. First, you have to ease your way into letting everyone know you are single again. Bombarding your IG with hateful, yet witty memes may seem like the best way to go, but trust me you will end up looking a little crazy. Also, it will be a bit of an overload. Could you imagine seeing this on your TL?

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Yeah, psycho! Lol

2. Only One Post is Needed.

You don’t have to constantly talk about your current break up. The less, the better. This saves you on looking crazy and also not getting any backlash. You don’t want every status to be, “F#$% that! I don’t need a man. I got me! I been doing this since day one! You think I need you? Tuh”, “Looks like my weekends are free now! Who wants to take me somewhere? Y’all know I’m free right?”, “Every time I put myself out there, somebody screws me over. Love just isn’t meant for me.” Oh and my favorite, “F*&% this cheating ass bastard! Tell that b&#@# to pay that phone bill!” Lol sorry, that last one may have been a little bit too much of me. But, seriously, just one general post or even just a single…”*sits at the Singles Table* Welcome back” is pretty much all you need. Remember, he is probably following you and one simple comment on a crazy post will send you spiraling. Don’t give him or anyone else any ammunition.

3. Okay, You Aren’t THAT Busy Now

Last, I really hate to see people who did absolutely nothing, socially, before now become a socialite. Come on. Truthfully, you are just at home watching Netflix AND THAT’S OKAY! Acting like you are having lunch dates and dinner dates and after work dates and inbetween nap dates is just ridiculous. This is not making the other person miss you and it is making you look stupid. Just resume to your normal behavior. It’s just less one.

Now, as stated before, I should have followed my own advice. I mean, I didn’t go crazy, but I did do all of these things lol. Well, except the last one, because I really don’t have a life so I can’t even fake that. But I posted a few memes and I did a few posts, mostly sappy song lyrics, but luckily I didn’t get too extreme. The point is so many people say you should keep your relationships off of social media and it’s because of this very reason. You don’t want to look stupid once you’ve broken up. But reality is no one expects to break up. If you are in something that is good and makes you happy, you want to share it with the world. And when you are in pain and hurt, you want to show that as well. But, with this situation, less is the better way to go. A simple relationship status change is all that is needed. All the other stuff is just extra and unnecessary. You don’t want the whole world in your business. Remove your pictures, unfollow, and move on gracefully. This will be unentertaining and catch no one’s eye. Social media is all about the show. The smoke and fire. If you don’t give them anything, they will pass you by and go to the next crazy person posting about their ex.

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Getting Back

Here we go again. I know what you’re gonna say. Oh, she must be back because she’s not happy anymore and that’s the only time she writes. WELP! You guys know me well. But it wasn’t intentional. I didn’t quit writing all together, but I did neglect the blog. But, hey what was I going to write about? The joys of being in a relationship. Uh, I don’t do sappy posts lol. But, yes, I am back. And yes, it’s what you think it is. Moving on. This is just a free post. I miss writing on here. I miss having emotions that aren’t involving someone else. I miss being me! Does this mean I am destined to be here for the rest of my life? Ehh. It is what it is. If it means losing a passion then I will take being alone. I am an emotional writer. My best work comes from pain. I can’t be one of those happy writers and I believe this is what God is showing me. He showed me I could be happy, but it means losing a lot and I am not willing to lose any of it. It’s not worth me deteriorating while others are flourishing. Like I have always said, love is not for everyone. It is what it is. BUT….let’s discuss the happiness I do have because I have started a new book! “Taken, But Single” is basically about two women who are in relationships where to the outside world they are in relationships, but mentally and emotionally they are alone. They are basically in “show” relationships and those are no fun. Believe me. Anyways…I can’t wait to share it with you guys and I can’t wait to get back on here and be the funny, nonchalant, cold hearted chick that you have all grown to love. :)

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Dreamers Exclusive, Online Magazine

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I’ve always wanted to have my work published in magazines. That joy of seeing your work in a publication is like no other. But after a day of frustration and Googling, I finally realized something. Idiot! You have a production company! And thus, “Dreamers Exclusive,” was born. I’ve always had slight control issues anyways so me conforming to other editor’s guidelines would have been a huge issue for me. With this magazine I am able to do what I love, write, and do what I love even more, edit. I am able to be hands on and actually create everything from scratch. I am the one emailing writers and illustrators and getting their feedback. I am the one that is editing the magazine and formatting the material. I am the one that is going on every forum enlisting new talent. I am the one doing it all! And God knows I love it. I normally try to keep my blog and my business separate but I realized that I have a lot of followers and fellow amazing writers on WordPress so why not spread the word! This online magazine will come out monthly and with each issue there will be a different topic that is expressed through writing, poetry, and illustrations. We will even have a “Young Dreamers” section to showcase the talents of our younger artists. The point of the magazine is to continue to support writers and illustrators. We can be so easily forgotten in the world of technology but, to me, the creative mind is the most powerful thing around. It is up to each of us to continue to do our part to inspire and support. With that being said if you or if you know anyone who is interested in being a part of our online magazine, email us at adaydreamproduction@yahoo.com for more details. Our first issue, which is due to be published in May, will be about fantasy. Now, back to your regularly scheduled program :).

 

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Why I Won’t Be Going to My High School Reunion

So, it’s finally that time. The moment has come. 10 years, yes I know 10, of being out of high school and it is reunion time. Before, I was the hyped one about this event. I couldn’t wait to get everyone together and reminisce about the good ole days and chat about upcoming ventures. Before, I was the one that was trying to convince my friends on going because it would be so much fun. That was before and this is now. Now, I won’t be going to my high school reunion.

Don’t get me wrong. I admire a lot of my classmates and I know the type of fun that we can have together, but mentally, I know this is not the right move for me. Recently I have caught myself resorting back to that 12 year old shy girl with low self esteem who tried to do any and everything to please people around her. That girl that would shrink whenever in a crowded room out of fear of judgment. That girl that would overly compliment other friends just so they could maybe throw a compliment my way as well. This is the girl I have worked so hard to get rid of, but I see her coming back. Whether it is a conversation between co-workers or a comment on Twitter, that 12 year old girl is coming back and I am not going to allow it. High School was a fun time for me. Nothing too crazy, but still fun. I had my table of friends, a guy I was crazy about, and pretty much no worries. But when I really think about it, I was always on the outside looking in. Never really a part of anything…just kind of around. I’ve noticed that more as I have become older because friendships have disintegrated out of thin air. Like, literally, people who I have been friends with for years have just disappeared, and like that 12 year old girl, I’ve blamed myself. Maybe I didn’t compliment them enough? Maybe I didn’t support them enough? Maybe I let too much of my personality outshine theirs? But seriously, why should any of that be a reason if I wasn’t so easily dispensable? I mean, I don’t get a lot of support but I’m still around. I don’t get many compliments and yet I still remain friends. But it is this thought process that is keeping me far from this event. This thought process is childish. Dumb. But, unfortunately, I’ve been placed there. Going back to that reunion is like going right back to high school. Going right back to that lunch room table. Going right back to that mindset. That is not where I want nor need to be.

My life is actually going well. For once. Yes, I’ve lost friends, but honestly, I am a 27 year old grown ass woman. Who cares who has left? Yes, I have memories and no, I really don’t know what caused any of this, but so what? It is what it is. My focus is not what I had 10 years ago, it’s what I will have 10 years from now. I’m no longer the shy girl trying to be seen. Hoping and wishing for that seat at the table; vying for a conversation or a laugh. I’m not her and I refuse to go back to her. So for those that are reading this that I did go to school with know that this is nothing against you. This is about me and my mental state. It’s time to let the past be the past and move on into the future. I can’t dwell on the “good ole days” because frankly, they weren’t all that. I can focus only on today and possibly tomorrow.

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Reasons Why I May Be A Bad Girlfriend

So, I’ve been in a relationship for a few months now…yeah I know what you are saying. What? Relationship? But you hate love and all that jazz…we will discuss that on another post lol. But since I have been in this relationship I have realized something…I may be a bad girlfriend. Now, don’t get me wrong I’m an amazing person, once you get to know me, but the actual levels that you have to reach in a relationship just seem to be insurmountable. I will give you all a few examples and then you guys be the judge. Hopefully I won’t be single after this post. :)

1. Stuck on independent mode

Now, I had my oldest son when I was 20 and I have been on my own ever since. Even when I had my last relationship, I still was on my own in a sense. I have been figuring out how to pay the bills, make my dollars stretch, clean/cook/type/ (all at once) successfully in an hour…I have basically done it all by myself and mastered it. The problem with this is now I actually have someone who can help me with my load but my independent self won’t allow it. I will literally argue with them about how I can do it by myself or catch an attitude if they suggest otherwise. I am the woman who will have a child on one arm and a million grocery bags on the other and dare you to try to help me close the car door. I got this! But that’s not what a relationship is about. It is about helping each other out and willingly doing so. Not forcing someone to allow you to help them. My inability to switch from independent mode causes other issues as far as being able to actually trust someone with anything. To actually be able to say to him, “Yes, I need help with the kids” or “Yes, I would love for you to give me your suggestions on a post I need to write” and truly be comfortable with doing this is something I long for. I don’t want to be that independent girl when I clearly don’t need to be. This does not mean I want to rely on him for everything because, eww, no, but I do need to be able to show him that I trust him enough to let my guard down and that I actually want him.

2. Compromise

This ties into me being stuck in that independent mode. Compromise is one of those things I don’t do. I never saw the need for it because, once again, I’ve always been by myself. Kinda hard to compromise with yourself. But now that I am in a relationship, I see how important compromising is. My biggest issue with compromise is that I am used to seeing it done the wrong way. Most settle and that is a difference from compromising. I’ve had to come to that realization. Compromising does not mean you are giving up something and you are someone who is just ran over. When you compromise with someone, you are showing them that they are important enough to you for you to take their feelings and thoughts into consideration. You cannot be selfish in a relationship. Now, I don’t believe in compromising everything you believe in for the sake of keeping someone around because honestly, that person should not put you in that sort of predicament. Your partner should ask you to compromise with something that is reasonable and they know is not a stretch for you. You can’t come and ask me to compromise and give up weave when you know how I get down lol. But asking to compromise when it comes to where you live or how you will raise your children is something that has to be done when it comes to relationships. Remember, you are not the same person. They are coming with their own feelings and ideals and if you feel that they are important enough, then compromise should come naturally.

3. I’m not always right

This is a hard one too. You see, I’m the type that likes to be right about any and everything. I don’t do it in that annoying way where you are ready to fight that person. I actually didn’t realize I did this until I entered this relationship. My ways and views are mines, but they are not always correct. Allowing someone to have different ways of thinking than me and opening my eyes to new ways is not a bad thing. It is a part of the dating experience. Being able to say, “You’re right and I’m wrong,” is one of those things I don’t do. I will make up excuses after excuses until that person sees it my way. This. Does. Not. Work. In. A. Relationship! No one is always right, so I’m not sure why I feel like I am or have to be. I’m sure it’s some underlying reason that stems from my childhood, but for now we won’t go there. I know it’s wrong and fixing it is a must.

4. Attitude Adjustment

This is the last one and this is a huge one. This is the one that will have me back to my “I hate love” posts if I don’t correct it. My attitude can be the worst in the world and it can happen in the blink of an eye. (Blame the Gemini in me) I can be just fine and someone will come in a room, say the wrong word about the wrong subject, and I’m yelling and cussing at him and he’s looking at me like I’m crazy. This is the ultimate no. A real man is not going to sit there and take this type of abuse just because I’m upset with someone else. I mean, I wouldn’t even take it. This is one that I am not sure how to fix because it is an integral part of me. I’m sarcastic and nonchalant. I have mood swings, more like mood rollercoasters, and they can be triggered by any thing. I used to struggle with it at a younger age, but I am able to deal with it accordingly. But when I say I am able to deal with it, that is me dealing with it on my own. I’ve never had to deal with it in a relationship. I’ve never had to sit around with someone while I am having a depression episode and try to explain that I’m on the verge of tears simply because I have to get ready to go to back to work. Or explain to them that I am only raising my voice because that’s what happens when I am mad but I’m not actually arguing with them? How do I adjust that? How do I get out of that overly serious mood and get back to just sitting back and laughing about nonsense? My only answer, for now, has been constant communication. When I feel like I have said something out of the way, I immediately try to explain the situation. But I feel like that will soon grow tiresome and I will be back to boring Saturday evenings. :(

So, those are my reasons as to why I could be a bad girlfriend. But the fact that I recognize these issues and am actively trying to fix them is reason why I AM NOT a bad girlfriend. See, most people would see these issues and shrug them off and that’s how the relationship becomes bad. Luckily, this is someone I actually care about and am willing to make these changes. You guys know me. I don’t change for anyone, but I guess this is different. I’ve always heard that when you are in a relationship, your mate should make you want to be a better person. It should not be a big fuss or something that they force you to do, but something that you come into on your own. You should find yourself wanting to do more in life so that you can provide more to the relationship. I never understood this until now. Ladies and even you few men out there that’s reading this, if you see signs that are leading you to the “bad mate” section, quickly regroup and come up with a game plan to get yourself back on track. Especially if you feel like they are worth it. A relationship is as amazing as you want to make it, but you have to do your part in making it so.

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“Our Deepest Fear” Complex

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So, I recently just got this tattoo of the “Our Deepest Fear” poem by Marianne Williamson and it is pretty much my life motto. As you know I have been writing since I was five and have wanted to do nothing but that since. So why am I 27 with two published books just sitting in the wings like nothing? Because of this exact poem. My deepest fear is not failing but actually succeeding. What? How can that be? What sense does that make? Let me break it down. I have been on my own since I was 19 and I became pregnant. Yes, I had the help of my mother but I was pretty much on my own doing my own thing. I was used to the hustle that life as a single mother brought. Selling food stamps and WIC just to pay the light bill was normal to me. Getting paid and having nothing but ten dollars left over to buy a little to drink was nothing new. I knew I was destined for more, but that terrified me. I used to always say, “Who am I to be out there on the red carpet rubbing elbows with celebrities?” “Who am I to have my own company and actually produce my own work?” Who am I to do these things? I’m no one. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to accomplish those things so why would I even try? Why would I want to be in the limelight and be in a new environment? I wasn’t used to success so I shrunk myself to fit in with the crowd.

So many people do this today and it really saddens me. I see that settling is the normal thing to do now and I always ask myself why? Why do people settle for bullshit when they know they deserve more? Is it the fear of being more? Is it because we don’t know to handle being better and being in a different place in life? Do we not have the right models around us to encourage us to reach our full potential? We have to change this way of thinking. This complex does nothing but hinder our growth and create a vicious cycle that effects our children. We don’t want our children looking at success fearfully. They should look at it with open arms. They should want to be successful. They should fear the opposite. I feel that many of our people teach our children to just get by. Get a good job and education and that’s it. But what about living your dreams? What about doing more than just the norm? We always shy away from those topics because they aren’t a guarantee. You can’t pay bills with a dream. But, my God, you can. If you really work toward that dream you can do so much with it. My hope is that we change this complex and change the mind of our children and have it where dreams rule the world. There is nothing like the fruition of a dream coming true. We have to get out of this mindset of shrinking ourselves because what we want is not what everyone else believes in. I had an ex tell me that I was stupid for dreaming the way that I did. I needed to get with the program and find a regular job and stop dreaming of writing and Hollywood. It wasn’t going to happen, is what he said. But, look at me now. Yes, I still have this complex, but my belief and curiosity keeps me going. Yes, I am fearful of being great because it brings a lot of unknown. But I’d rather get there and face those unknowns then. Being great and different is not a curse. It’s not you thinking you are better than everyone else. “Who does she think she is?” No! It is a blessing. Start treating it that way.