by

Daddyless Daughter

daddyless_daughter

Let me start by saying this post is a long time coming. I have had this post in my heart for almost a year now but never knew how to quite get it out. Then the queen of the universe, Oprah Winfrey, had a show entitled “Daddyless Daughters” and I thought to myself, I am not the only one who has thought about this. No, I did not watch the show. (I am actually going to make myself watch it tonight.) I did not watch the show because I knew what they were talking about and frankly I didn’t have time to stir up old emotions. I had my own stuff to deal wit. Kids, job issues, self motivation issues, relationship issues…thinking about being a daddyless daughter was not something I was trying to add to my list. But, finally, in lieu of my issues I am ready to tackle this one. I am no longer worried about who reads this and what they think because frankly I could give two shits. When you get to a certain age, people’s thoughts and perception start to slowly mean less and less. Those who matter already know my issues so what anyone else thinks or comments is irrelevant.

Let me start by saying my real father lives in San Diego. Him and my mom divorced when I was five and she moved to Atlanta. My relationship with him is very non existent. Honestly, I don’t know a thing about him except he drinks. That’s where I get that from. I have never had a connection with him, nor have I ever wanted to. It’s funny how you think you are over something, even as an adult, until you are faced with that something. A few months back my father contacted my sister in California trying to contact me. This shocked me because at 27 I have seen my father a good five times, if that, and have spoken to him a good three. What was he contacting me for? Maybe he had a change of heart and actually wanted to get to know his daughter. I mean, I’m a published author now, so I have some interesting things going on. Maybe he wants to know about his grandchildren. Maybe he wants to visit or fly us out. These are all the things that went through my head as I waited for his call. But lo and behold, he wanted none of these things. He wanted my mom to stop child support so he could pursue something. I remember being on the phone with him and he faked interest and started asking me questions. I felt like I was on the phone with a complete stranger. “So, how are you?” “Fine.” “Hmm.” Silence. “Your mom told me you wrote a book.” “Yeah. I have two.” “Hmm.” More silence. “Well, where can I get it?” “I have a website that you can purchase them on.” “Hmm. What’s the website?” www.iamje- ” “Why don’t you just email it to me?” -_- Did he just interrupt me?? Yeah, that’s how it went. A conversation with my father. The man who helped give me life. The man who is suppose to be the one male I can depend on. The one that I can run to when I have problems. The one who tells me over and over again that I am the prettiest girl in the world. The one that I want my husband to be like. That was my father on the phone. Who knew nothing and did not care to know anything about his little girl.

Now, like I said before I never really talked to my father, so he was pretty non-existent in my eyes. My mother remarried when I was about 8 and I had my dad around. Growing up, I remember my dad being funny and goofy. But I was a real mama’s girl so I didn’t even pay him that much attention. As I got older, I began to notice the withdrawal, especially after they began to have kids of their own. High school, I honestly could not stand being there. The yelling, the attitude, the disregard for others feelings. People wonder why I hate cartoons like Spiderman, Batman, etc. Well, try watching TV in the living room and having your dad snatch the remote from the couch and turn the channel and his only response is “when you pay the bills then you can watch what you want to.” Yeah, I hated anything he came into contact with. People wonder why I am so independent and absolutely refuse help. Seriously, this guy offered to open my door and I cussed him out about it because I didn’t need his help. But you have to understand where I am coming from. Going over your parents house with your kids, at night, and having absolutely no, NONE, help from your dad to get the kids back in the car and any additional bags I may have left with. Or being dropped off from the grocery store and not getting any help to take the groceries inside. This was and is my life. Why would I let a man help me when my dad doesn’t even do it? Why should I deserve this type of common courtesy treatment? Why would I believe anything that comes out of a man’s mouth? My own dad doesn’t speak to me. So what makes what is coming out of your mouth special? See, this is my mindset and it didn’t take until today for me to be fully over it. Hence, the reason why I am writing this post. I am over being afraid of what someone might say. I am over being cautious of other’s feelings when I’m hurting here and no one knows. I am over it.

Being a daddyless daughter has hindered me more because I actually have two dads! But the rejection from not just one, but two, is worse. It keeps me thinking something must be wrong with me because damn neither one of them gives a damn about you. Neither one of them tells you you are beautiful. Neither one of them tells you you are wonderful. Neither one of them tells you that you are a good mother. That you are a hard worker. That you are worthy of love. That you can do anything in this world. That they love you. I wrote this post so that people can realize the affects that they have on their children. Those babies aren’t just playing and living life without taking mental notes of everything that you are doing. You are affecting them. This has affected me still and I am 27. I cannot properly love someone else because of this. Do you really want that for your children? Do you want your issues affecting their ability to do something in their lives? Parents you have to wake up and realize that it is just not you anymore. You are affecting everyone around you and could possibly continue a horrible cycle. Love your kids more. Spend time with them. Tell them how wonderful they are even if they are getting on your last nerves. If they can’t come to you and receive praise, why would they expect it from others? As far as me and this issue, I have written about it and thus the healing has began. I have also poured a huge glass of wine. ;)

Photo credit: www.theopenedbox.com

by

Sexting: The New Form of Dating? Would You or Wouldn’t You?

sexting

So we all know, by now, what sexting is. If not there is the definition above. (Not really sure who is sending out sexual pics on that old ass phone but hey do you!) Anyways, like I said we all know what sexting is and I am sure we have all taken part in the act. Whether it was innocent flirting or straight raunchy, nasty, “you better make sure you send to the right person” type of messages, but we have all done it. Now, my question is when did this become the new form of dating? Seriously, think about it. Speaking from my own experience, like always, I have never received so many unsolicited peen pics in life! And this isn’t after a date or two, this is mid first day conversation. “Good morning. WYD?” “Nothing. But to let one go. Wanna watch?” 0_0 It really happens just like that. Not really sure if you guys think that’s a turn on, but it’s not. Especially if we just met. But what gives guys this courage to just be that bold? Is sexting just a normal thing now that takes place between strangers? Is sending nudes the new “check yes or no if you like me” type of thing?

I really blame social media for making sexting such a normal thing. And before I start let me say that I am not against sexting. I think that it is a great thing to be done between couples or significant others. It’s the random people that weirds me out. Now back to social media. You get on Twitter and you will see nudes probably before you see anything else. Whether it is someone who found out their dude was cheating so they leaked their nudes or if someone is trying to prove that they are sleeping with someone else’s girl so they leak their nudes. The fact that nudes can be leaked alone should be more than enough reason to not send them to any random person. But since it seems like it is so abundant on social media, it looks like everyone is sending nudes, so why not? Maybe this is where guys get that boldness from. They figure everyone else is doing it so hey let me do it too. It’s just a peen pic, right? Who really cares, right?

Now, like I said, I don’t see anything wrong with doing this if it is with one person or your significant other, but there has to be some type of rules that take place before sending an actual nude, right?

1. Is this person trustworthy enough to not leak your pics to the whole world?

This is huge! We see it all day long on social media where someone leaks someone else’s nudes. Do you want to be that person? Is it worth it? How can you tell if the person is trustworthy? This is where actual dating should take place. Conversation. You are able to feel someone out if you have a simple conversation with them. And really if you have to ask yourself if they are trustworthy then should you really be sexting them?

2. Time limit.

There should be some kind of time limit before you spread eagle and start using filters. Yes, you may have an occasional drunk night, but seriously you should at least know this person for some time and have conversed back and forth with them before they see the goods. Take it as serious as you would with actual sex.

3. Even Exchange.

This is simple. You should not be the only one sending, you should also be receiving. This will also help you with finding out if they are trustworthy.

I have a ton of other, goofy rules, but I’ll keep those inside for now lol.

Sexting, for this generation, is definitely the new form of dating. When you think about it, how many times throughout the day do you actually talk on the phone? Hold verbal conversations? Now, how many texts have you sent? See the difference?  The fact that texting, alone, is becoming more prevalent in dating than actually talking on the phone you can see why sexting is on the rise. It’s kind of like when phone sex was a big thing and now everyone has just taken a more technical approach. But even though it may be the new norm, it still should be some boundaries set in place. Don’t just send random nudes or messages to someone you just met. It may seem like fun, but after you press send, you can’t really get that back. We’ve all done stupid things, but the continuation of stupidity starts to become ridiculous. Plus, we are older now. Sext with your boyfriend, but no strangers. And men. Please! PLEASE!!! Stop sending peen pics unless your lady asks for one. It really does not have the affect that you think it does on us. Ijs.

Photo credit: www.observer.com

by

Mary Jane

Mary Jane

There’s a girl you love more than me.

She elevates you, takes you higher.

She calms you, relaxes you.

She’s the one you run to instead of me.

In the beginning, it was okay.

Mary Jane and I were cool,

so you two being close was no issue.

But now, things have changed. You don’t look at me that way.

Three years and our love is not the same.

Is it her?

This sweet beauty that is always around.

This intoxicating goddess who never lets you down.

You go to her before you come to me.

You break her down before you break down to me.

Blow her mind while confusing mines.

Mary Jane, so sweet and innocent.

She’s the only girl you give your all to.

The only one you are not afraid to be with.

The only one you bring around your crew.

The only one you truly open up to.

This flavorful seductress.

The only girl you’d ever give head to.

Sweet Mary Jane knows your lips more than I do.

But why is this?

Is it because Mary Jane is so easy?

So willing to listen?

Mary Jane doesn’t argue about simple things.

She doesn’t nag you all day.

Mary Jane enjoys football and those Playstation games.

Is this why you choose her over me?

Green over red? No love allowed?

See, I am difficult and Mary Jane is easy.

I challenge you while she pacifies you.

I encourage you while she enables you.

Sweet Mary Jane.

He’s yours, for now.

But soon he will mature and realize

that you are not best.

He will understand that you are just a crutch.

But until then, Mary Jane, be good to my man.

And do not introduce him to that white girl in the stands.

by

Top Five Reasons Why You Need A Man NOW!!!

I know that this is going to be completely opposite from my normal posts because I am normally against love and really could care less about relationships, but I just realized the other day that dammit I need a man. It really just popped in my head like that. Looking around the house and I just said, “Jeanine, you need a man!” Has this happened to you? Well, if it has you are not alone and if it hasn’t, you still need to get you one. These are the top five reasons why you gotta get a man, like right now. No, seriously. Not tomorrow, but today!

1. Who are you gonna cook for?

It’s Saturday, you have conquered your trip to the Farmer’s Market (even though you had to karate chop the last ripe tomato out of an old lady’s hand), you are home slaving over a hot stove. Finally, everything is complete and you go to plate your food. But, who the hell are you cooking for? Who is gonna eat all of this food that you made because you saw Barefoot Contessa cook on Food Network and decided to be fancy and do the same? Who?? You can’t since you are on the new “Seaweed, Green Tea, Bullshit,” diet and besides, you cooked it so you want someone else to compliment and enjoy it. There is joy in feeding a man and feeding him well and meals are meant to share. Imagine sitting down at the table, full spread, alone. Nope. Get you a boo asap!

2. Tired of “nigga-rigging” everything!

Having a man around is essential when it comes to handy work. Broken shower head, curtain rod won’t stay up? Get a boo and these problems will NEVER occur. Men like to work with their hands and it makes them feel all superior when they fix something that we have no idea how to. Don’t have a boo and you will be fixing everything with nail glue and tape. Trust me.

3. Who else is gonna kill these bugs?

Okay, now this has to be the hugest reason why. I do not deal with bugs. Like, seriously. I will wake my child up in the middle of the night to kill a water bug before I go near it. Now, if I had a boo thang, this wouldn’t be a problem. All I would have to do is run out the room and he would go in there all swift and shit and take care of business. Instead, I am sitting in the hallway contemplating on moving into the boys’ room because it’s obvious that that spider is going to live in mines.

4. Somebody has to give me compliments.

So, I’ve been out shopping and I’m home trying on outfits, looking all good and sexy. Who the hell is gonna give me my compliments? Sure, I could post a picture on IG, but then I don’t wanna look like an IG whore fishing for likes. I just want to watch YouTube for hours, perfect the flexi-rods, and have a man tell me, “Babe, you look amazing.” See? That’s what having a man can do for you. Compliments at any moment.

5. It’s Cuffing Season…duh!!

Last, but not least we all know that it is that time again. The notoriously famous, “Cuffing Season.” This normally occurs from September to about April. Now, during Cuffing Season you have to find a man because let’s be honest…you are a loser if you don’t. Everyone, EVERYONE, will be boo’ed up. Everywhere you go, you will see couples. Do you want to be the only lame at the fight party without a man? Do you want to be at home arguing about sports with yourself and Twitter? NO! Get you a boo girl and fast!

 

Okay, of course you know this is satire. (If you don’t know what satire is, Google it and then unfollow me because we should not be friends) There is never a reason to NEED anyone. Yes, having a man would be lovely and these are a few reasons why, but I just wanted to poke fun at some people who actually take this stuff seriously. Like, they have to have a man in their life and the reasons are pretty much as stupid as these. Hope you laughed and hopefully didn’t take any of this seriously. Just a random, bored post on a Saturday night. :)

by

Calm in Chaos?

I recently was driving down the street and I saw a guy, on a bike, with three or four grocery bags hanging from the handle bars. For some reason it made me think about how some people are used to chaos and could somehow find calm in that. This guy, struggling to the store, will probably get home and feel accomplished because he did all that work and made it home. Another example, after a day of working I come home, cook dinner, bathe my boys, and have them in the bed within an hour. When everything is done, I have a small feeling of accomplishment because it was hard but it got done. For some, this is the only accomplishment that they have throughout the day. The only accomplishment that they will obtain in months. Is this a good thing? For me, I believe that I thrive on chaos. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. When everything is calm, I don’t know how to react. I blame this on the fact that I rarely have had peace in my life. Every moment has been a moment of some kind of chaos. Whether it was figuring out how to take care of my son as a single mother, or how to get out of being homeless, or how to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Hell, I can’t even go to the store without something crazy happening. It’s like chaos is an innate part of me and I welcome it. It calms me down knowing at the end of the day that despite all the hardships I had that day I was still able to get through it. But this is a major problem.

I feel like the fact that I am so calm during chaos that I am always looking for it. When things try to get calm or things have a way of working themselves out, I have to find some way to mess it up. I could lose 10lbs during a diet but pysch myself out of continuing it and end up gaining it right back. I could have amazing writing opportunities but brush them off because I am too tired to think about them thus keeping me from doing exactly what I want to do. I’ve noticed myself doing this more and more and I realized it was because of the mini accomplishment that I would feel at the end of the day. You see, if I actually sit and plan things out and try to create a calm environment that will take time. I want see the reward right away. I’d rather be able to lay in my bed at night and reflect on that fact that I walked 2 miles to my son’s psychiatrist just to see that a bus actually did go down that street and that I still was in one piece. It gives me a feeling of accomplishment. A feeling of resilience. If anyone had to do what I did on a daily basis, they would probably go crazy and the fact that I haven’t gives me a sense of worth. But what kind of worth is that? Surviving chaos is commendable but searching for it is not. It’s pretty screwed up. I have to start searching for my worth in other ways. If I have an entirely boring day and nothing happens to me and my phone never rings and no one ever talks to me on Twitter, I have to understand that it is okay. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with me. It doesn’t make me less of a person because I didn’t have a trying day. I don’t need to try and find chaos. I don’t need to start talking to someone I have no interest in because I am bored. Or drinking because what else is there to do? No. But, it does mean that I have to start finding meaning in the smaller things and start doing things that actually mean something. Me putting myself in chaos was a way of making myself feel like I accomplished something because others around me seem to be accomplishing so much. It was like I was trying to make myself feel like I am just as good as them. They have a beautiful relationship, but I got through this extremely rough day on my own. They are traveling the world, but I got through the stress of figuring out how to pay my bills on time. They are writing and getting a thousand views, but I was able to do all this housework in 30 minutes and work a 12 hour shift. You see what I was doing?

Me doing all that, putting myself in chaos just to make myself feel good, is detrimental. It’s bringing my quality of life down. It’s putting me in a horrible state of mind. And as a mother, I can’t be like this anymore. I don’t want my kids to go through this. I see how that effects other people who’s parents went through it. It makes you limit life. You begin to stay on this never ending cycle because you can’t see anything else. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for the hard days. They have prepared me for life, but that’s the problem. All that teaching is done. It’s kind of like I learned the lesson, did the homework, passed with an A, but I erase the answers and redo the work again. It’s stupid. It’s pointless. Chaos should not calm me and make me feel accomplished. Getting out and into the world should make me feel accomplished. Meeting new people should make me feel some type of worth. It’s weird and new, but it’s something that has to happen. I wasn’t put here to live a normal, yet chaotic life. Never been ordinary, so it’s time to dig myself out of that ditch and actually start living without chaos.

by

When is it Time to Leave?

This is going to be strictly about the work force. Do you know when it is time for you to leave a job? Of course, when another job becomes available or if you decide to move and venture off into another field, but what about those times when it is emotionally time for you to leave? How do we go about doing that? Especially if you are like me, a single mother and the only main source for financial stability. What do you do when your job has you feeling stuck and oppressed as if you were in a bad relationship? This is my dilemma. I have never felt emotionally unstable like this since I left my ex. My current job has me feeling like I am back in that space. Back in that whirlwind of emotion and drama. Not being able to speak out for fear of losing something. Having to take bullshit because what else can I do? If I speak up, I could be fired. This is the same as when I was in my relationship. If I spoke up, he could’ve left which would’ve left me with nothing since I was not working at the time. Abusive, even just mentally abusive, relationships are meant to make you feel like you have no power at all. This is exactly how I feel now in this situation. Schedules are changed or I am given unfair hours, but what can I say? Managers do whatever they want and I catch the brunt of the situation. I have been dealing with it for months now and normally I am okay, but lately I have gone into “I don’t give a fuck” mode. I really just don’t care anymore. I remember this part of the relationship as well.

I went into that stage where I didn’t care what he said or did to me. Whatever. You want to yell and threaten to kill me? Cool, I’ll just sit here and continue to watch TV. This is how I am now. I don’t give a damn about that job nor my coworkers. Once a team player, I’m now like “Fuck it. Every man for themselves.” At first, I felt bad for feeling like this, but then I thought about it. They sit around and continue to let me be mistreated by their superior so what do I owe them? Nothing.  So, to my original question when do you know when it’s time to leave? When you start to feel like this. When you start to not care anymore. When you start to do things that you know could get you possibly fired, but you just don’t give a damn anymore. When it begins to play with your emotional stability to the point where it affects how you deal with the people you love. I have never been this type of person. Never been the angry chick, but recently…it’s been crazy. So now that you know it is time to leave. what next?

It’s time to devise a plan. And for me, my plan does not involve another job. At least not another job working for someone else. It is not what I want to do at all. I have never been on a job for more than two years and there is a reason for that. I was built for something more. My plan is writing. To not bullshit around, but to actually get it done. To stop looking at all those notebooks in the corner of my room and talk about the greatness that is inside but to actually open them up, type it, and get it out there. There is too much that I have to give and I don’t need it withering away at some stupid bank. God blessed me with that job at the moment because I needed it, but he has also blessed me with the opportunity to see that it is time to leave. How long I stay in this hellhole is up to me and no one else. I can throw a pity party, cuss every person out, and still be stuck in that job for another three or four years. Or I can be smart. Get all my opportunities in place and go with it. The time is now, because just like in that relationship I feel that “fight or flight” moment coming. But this time, I am smarter. I have what I needed to fully get out. I just have to go.

by

Happiness

This has to be something I will forever be chasing. Excuse this post and it’s rambling effect, but I am in a blogging challenge and I am trying my best to participate wholeheartedly. But right now, I am irritated as shit and I don’t even feel like writing, but I am going to do it anyway. Basically my hang up is that word up there: Happiness. What is your definition of happiness? Have you found it? Did you ever have it and it left? How were you able to get it back? And for those who have never successfully had it, how do you achieve it?

Let me start by defining my idea of happiness. It is basically being content with every aspect of your life. You are actually able to look around and be just fine with everything that you have accomplished and whatever or whoever you have in your life. You are content with your looks, content with your living arrangements, content with your career, content with your significant other, just content with everything. That is my ideal version of happiness. Using my definition, I have never experienced happiness a day in my life. Yes, you can be happy, but I am speaking of true happiness. Being able to say, “I love my life,” and truly mean it. I have never been happy with my weight, never been happy with where I live, never been happy with the bullshit jobs that I have to keep, and never been happy with any of my significant others, except once. I know no levels of happiness and I am 27! It frustrates the hell out of me because like with everything I blame myself for this.

You cannot expect happiness to just come out of nowhere and find you. That’s what they say. But sometimes, I think otherwise. People luck up and stumble upon happiness every day. Stumble upon an amazing job, stumble upon an amazing relationship. It happens every day to other people so I often wonder why does it not happen for me? It’s like I know exactly what I want in order to be happy. Lose weight, move to New York, become a successful writer, fall in love. See…sounds pretty simple right? But no, losing weight I struggle with, which I really can say is the one thing that is kind of my fault because I give up easily. Moving to New York, of course is hard because I am a single mother. If I could do like I want, I would move up there right now and send for my kids once I was settled, but who the hell does that? I’m not Draya, I’m actually a good mother. The writing thing is one of those up and down things for me. I have all the tools necessary to be where I need to be, but fear is always holding me back. I mean, I have a book that’s been out for almost two years and how many people that I know have actually bought a copy? That in its self is draining because I go hard for everyone else, but I never get the same in return. Seeing my writing not be supported by even the people I know is hard because it is the one thing that I know brings me true happiness and I don’t want to let that go. As far as falling in love, ehh. lol.

I know that happiness is out there for me, it just pisses me off that it is so damn hard for me to find. Like, can I just have happiness in one section of my life so that I know it is something that can happen? Do I have to continuously struggle with every single thing AND take it on by myself? *sighs* Anyways, once again. This is another rambling post. I just had to get those emotions out so I can see where to go from here.