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Happy Valentine’s Day….or Nah?

So, it’s that time again. TL’s will be flooded of “Aww look at what my bae bought me today!” messages, IG will be an army of sappy ass pictures or lonely memes. Yes, good ole Valentine’s Day. The most hated/loved holiday of the year. Why is this the most hated/loved day for me? Because it’s probably the fakest and most overrated day of the year. There shouldn’t be a day that goes by that you don’t show appreciation to your significant other. Yes, you can do something a little extra for her, but the thing that kills me are the ones who don’t do shit year round and then want to show out because its Valentine’s Day. It’s a free country so yall can do what you want, but I really don’t want to see a pic from you saying “He loves me!” when just yesterday he was whooping your ass. Like, nah! He doesn’t love you. But that’s a whole different post. Another thing I think is dumb is ladies and guys using this day to do extra freaky things. Like, why are you waiting till Valentine’s Day to give your man/woman head? Who does this? How old are we? Once again, if you aren’t doing it all year, don’t do it on Valentine’s Day. If you don’t tell me on a regular that you love me, don’t say it on Valentine’s Day. If you don’t eat…nvm, yall get it. Last, but not least I hate this day the most because everything is focused on the material. A girl will get mad about her man not buying her the biggest teddy bear in the world knowing that he may not be in the position to get it. Isn’t the fact that he is there showing you love good enough? I’m not saying every now and then a nice gift is not appreciated, but don’t get too caught up in this Valentine’s Day shit. Don’t let it ruin your relationship because you are looking at “fake love” on social media.

The point of today is….hell, I don’t even know. Just show love all year round and treat today like another day. It’s that simple. So Happy Valentine’s Day…or nah? It’s up to you how you look at this day.

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It’s Not Your Beauty…Nor Your Booty. What Really Attracts Men to Women

So there is a list that Huffington Post published that stated the top 11 things that men do that women find attractive. They included hugging from behind, being kind to strangers, concentrating hard on something, etc. (Here’s the link on the full article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/27/the-11-most-attractive-things-men-do_n_4673122.html?utm_hp_ref=tw) One of my followers on Twitter, @kidnoble, decided to do a list of the reverse, what did women do (non sexual) that attracted men. I immediately told him he wouldn’t find any real responses because this is Twitter of course and yall know how that goes. But as I began to look at his retweets, I actually found some amazing answers out there. I decided to take a few that I saw that stood out to me and discuss them. Here is the actual full list by Kid Noble http://internalchroniclesofme.blogspot.com/2014/01/beneath-surface-11-things-women-do-that.html?spref=tw

1. A Woman With A Book in Her Hand

This was absolutely heavenly to me because as a writer I love to read. Even though I have fallen slightly off, I love to just sit in a quiet corner and delve into a good book. Just the thought of this simple enjoyment being an absolute turn on to my man is beyond amazing. I believe this is something that turns a man on because he sees that you are more. You are able to expound and open your mind to things that are less trivial. You aren’t wrapped up in the latest reality show or gossip column. You are able to have an imagination. You have a brain.

2. Sincerely Pray For You

I believe this is a good one as well. If you have a woman that is able to pray for you without hesitation then you definitely have a keeper. If you have a religious or spiritual relationship, this is something a man is looking for in a wife. He wants to know that she holds the same values as he does and that she is willing to help in his need for spiritual rebuilding. He sees that she is serious and that this is not just another relationship. She is actually going to the Lord and praying for him, trying to uplift him. This is something truly special.

3. Be A Good Parent

This really should be a no brainer. A man wants a woman who he believes he can procreate with and prosper. Whether you think it or not, your parenting skills are definitely a factor. Especially if he has a void in that area, i.e. his parents were not around and he still feels the affects. If he sees you being a great nurturer, this will turn him on because he knows that he does not have to worry about his own children that he has with you. He knows that they will be raised in a way that he approves of and he will look at you in a different light.

4. Shows Genuine Concern

A man likes to act super tough but in reality they want to be cared for just like a woman. They want you to be concerned in their aspects of life. Whether it is helping them with a resume because they are looking for a job, or discussing ways that they can communicate better with a family member, or even just rubbing their back when their favorite team has lost, men want to know you care. Now, there is a difference between nagging and caring. Nagging is being in their face all day, every day about nonsense. Caring is different. If you hear him saying that his feet are hurting more and more after work, go out and buy him some better shoes or even some of those gel insoles. It’s really that simple. Men want to know you care so that they will feel comfortable reciprocating the same feeling.

5. Being Independent

This is my all time favorite. Yes, men want to feel like they can take care of you, but no man wants to feel like they have to take care of you. A woman that is independent is a turn on because that man knows that you can hold your own. You don’t need him, but you want him. There is a difference. A man doesn’t want to feel like he has to hold everything down because you lack the capability. He wants someone who is equal and if something were to happen where he fell, she would be right there to pick up the pieces. She knows how to hold down a household. Once again, she doesn’t need him.

I will say that these men really opened my eyes and made me realize that there are still some real men out there. Real men who appreciate real things that women have to offer. Not just a cute face and a big ass, but actual attributes. Being smart, studying on the weekends, smiling, showing interest, these are things that real women do. Far too often do these qualities get overlooked because the media is shoving different qualities down our throats. I also found it refreshing to see black men actually praising black women. We don’t see that too often. We both, men and women, have to do better in this department. Men need to appreciate and praise us more openly, not just in the privacy of our own home, and women need to get back to these praise worthy qualities. We are more than just sexual creatures. We are more than just titties and ass and arguing and drama. We have to do more to perpetuate the opposite. Even when I thought about what some of these responses would’ve been I automatically thought of stereotypical responses. “I like that she cooks and shuts up when I talk” or “I like how she cleans”. It’s sad that I, as a woman, thought this is what men thought was attractive in the opposite sex. Seeing otherwise gives me hope that there is still room for change. Room for us to get back on the right path. It starts with us.

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Artist Spotlight

I had to take time out to shine a spotlight on an up and coming comedian. Better known as, to me, as the light skinned Barry White (watch the video and you will get it), Dakota Rivers is absolutely hilarious. Hailing from New York City, Dakota’s number one goal is to become a success. He is a jack of all trades. While he is amazing as a comedian, he is also skilled in videography and editing. Make sure you check out his youtube page, subscribe, and pass along the word. You can also follow him on Twitter @The_Kota_.

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A Moment in Time

“Laila, what the hell are you doing?” “I was trying to shoot the ball!” Laila and a group of her friends were relaxing at the park on a rare beautiful day. They were playing a game of 21 and Laila and Marcus were on the same team. Laila had no idea what she was doing, but that didn’t stop her from acting like she was the best player on the court. “Look, just pass me the ball next time,” Marcus said, pushing Laila’s head. She gave him the finger as they continued the game. After successfully losing, Marcus, Laila, and her other friends decided to call it a day. They all went back to the house and decided to grab a few beers. They all sat around, watching a movie while drinking. Laila grabbed her phone when she heard it vibrate. She had a text. “What’s up beautiful?” Laila immediately blushed as she responded. “Nothing. Just relaxing with a few friends. U?” “Nothing. Just laying around. I want you.” Laila looked around to see if anyone was watching, but of course no one was paying her any attention. “Do you?” she responded. “When can we make that happen?” Laila bit her lip. “Whenever you want,” she flirted back. She anxiously waited for his response, but it never came. She put her phone down and continued to watch the movie. “Yo Laila, get me another beer.” Laila sucked her teeth. “No. Get it yourself.” “What kind of friend are you?!” Marcus yelled, overdramatically. Laila laughed and went downstairs. She went into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and pulled out two more beers. Then she felt a hand come from behind. The hand put the beers back down. Laila held her breath as she felt him come closer. She turned slightly and began to say something, but he whispered in her ear, “shhh.” He brought his lips to the nape of her neck and began to kiss softly. She moaned softly and he whispered for her to be quiet again. He then took his arm and wrapped them firmly around her waist. He continued to kiss the back of her neck. Laila tried to turn around again, but he refused. Pushing her against the counter, Laila could feel his warm hands run down her back, down to her legs and underneath her shorts. The warm massage sent Laila’s heart racing. She grabbed his hand insisting that he continued. Allowing Laila to turn slightly he began to nibble slowly on her bottom lip. This drove her wild. And he smiled as he saw her reaction. They both looked at each other and laughed again to themselves. She gave him a deep, passionate kiss. She began to tug at his jeans when she suddenly heard the door open from upstairs. They both parted as they heard someone come downstairs. “What are y’all doing? It takes that long to get some beers?” “Nah, they weren’t fully cold so we were waiting,” Laila said, handing her friend a beer. Laila turned around and handed Marcus the other beer. “I think it’s still a little warm.” This time Marcus was the one to blush as Laila went back upstairs.

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Why Are Side Chicks The New Wave?

Is it me or has the side chick seemingly become a normal thing now? Once a taboo subject, side chicks are now a part of everyday conversations. It seems like everyone has either had a side chick, has a side chick, or is a side chick. Why is that? I, personally, blame entertainment. From music to the media, side chicks are no longer that scandalous woman that everyone hates. She is actually becoming, dare I say it, a role model to a lot of women. I know that sounds crazy but really think about it. With shows like Scandal and Being Mary Jane, the side chick is seen as a powerful woman, not sure why they always have to be African American but that’s another post, who has her priorities straight. She is an independent woman who just happens to be madly in love with a married man. And what do we do? Instead of hating her we actually side with her. Come on, we all want Olivia and Fitz to be together, but the facts are he is a married man. Always was.

I believe this new wave of interest with side chicks is definitely because of the entertainment industry. People, unfortunately, like to imitate art. They see the woman being splurged on and having this secret, wild sex life and they want that. They think it’s okay because somehow society has accepted the side chick. They see that the relationship between the actual couple is shitty so they feel that the side chick is justified. In what world is cheating okay? When did it become acceptable to be a side chick? Are we, as women…wait let me say are yall, cause Im not with it, as women okay with just being the side chick? Are you okay with sharing someone else’s man? Being second even if he makes you feel like you are first? I’m starting to believe that society is delusional. You do understand that a side chick is just that right? Yes, these side chicks on tv seem to be living it up but that is not real life. In real life you are always going to be that back up chick that he goes to. The one he goes to for one thing and one thing only. How can that make you feel special?

And why are we glamorizing this? If I see one more tv show or hear one more song about a side chick I swear I’m going to lose it. I think the thing that kills me the most is that women are falling for that bs. If you listen to the song, “They Don’t Know,” by some loser, he is talking about his side chick that no one knows about. He describes her as being perfect and down because she doesn’t make a fuss about being on the side. She just complies. Hell, she doesn’t even like his Instagram pictures (line from the song)! The way he describes her reminds me of how guys describe a ride or die chick and females love those type of qualities. I can picture a girl now like, “Oh, yeah baby. I can be down like that. I won’t let anybody know. Even if we in the same room, I can keep cool. Cause I’m down like that and I know that’s how you like it.” Trust me. There are women who think like this. They are comfortable being the side chick because the man wants it. They aren’t thinking about their own feelings or wants. They are just settling because it’s the thing to do now.

I will never understand when and how side chicks became cool. Anyone who knows me or has read my posts knows that I don’t understand cheating. If you are that unhappy, then leave. If you find someone else that you are attracted to and want to take to that level, open your mouth and say something to your partner. Having a side chick is a sign of weakness to me. You are too weak to be open about your feelings with your partner. Or too weak to be able to commit to an actual relationship. As women, I would think we would have more respect for ourselves than to allow the whole side chick thing to actually happen. At the end of the day, it starts with us. These men aren’t holding guns to these women’s heads. They are willingly participating AND bragging about it. If we could put our foots down and say that we will not stand for certain things, they would stop instantly. Women have so much power and it sickens me to see us not use it. We, y’all, just sit back and go with the flow and let these men do any and every thing. The worst part is the women who actually stand for something get the short end of the stick because as soon as we say we aren’t down with something, a man will say “Well, I know a chick that will.” It’s sad and we have to do better. Side chicks are not trendy or cool. They are disrespectful and degrading. Stop calling shit gold and call it what it is.

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Taking a Break: The New Way to Cheat and Get Away With It

Okay, we all know about that dreaded time in a relationship when you just can’t stand the person that you are with. What used to be sweet and cute is now so annoying that you contemplate killing them in their sleep just to have a way out. You love them, but you just can’t stand them. You feel trapped and you are slowly losing yourself in the process. So, what do you do? You take a break. A break which means that you just need some time to yourself to get everything in order. Time to figure things out. “I still love you babe, but I just need some time to make sure this is right.” Now, during this time of immense self finding, when did it become the norm to somehow slip up and get someone pregnant? As we have seen recently from Dwyane Wade and Ludacris, this “break” is becoming a lot more serious then what it used to be. Normally, a break would last a few days in which you and your significant other would make up and be back on track. But now it seems that this “break” is giving men free realm to just do whatever and come back with washed hands. “Baby, you can’t get mad that’s she’s pregnant. We was on a break.” -_-

Now, let’s discuss what should happen whilst on said “break”. The “break” is basically the action before the break up. Instead of just calling it off, the two agree to take a “break” from one another to clear their heads. Maybe they have been spending too much time together or maybe they are feeling unappreciated and need time apart to regain that love. Whatever the need is most “breaks” take place so both parties can decide if they should continue in the relationship or not. Because you are suppose to be focusing on the relationship, most women believe that dating other people during this time is not acceptable. You should be home, in bed, jotting down pros and cons to the relationship, not out bumping and grinding with some hot tender. I mean really if that’s what you want to do then isn’t the whole idea of a “break” just preposterous. Why not just break up? This is why I have never, fully, understood the idea of a “break”. To me, it’s pretty much over if you have to go that route.

But let’s say you take the “break” and you figure out that you can’t be with anyone else but that woman. She is your sun and earth and moon and blah blah blah. You get back together and everything is perfect. Well, except the fact that 9 months later you receive a phone call from that hot tender you were in the club with and you hear a baby crying in the background. (Dramatic, I know. But hey this is my story lol). Now, you have to explain to your sun and earth that while on this “break”, when you were suppose to be doing some self evaluating, you were actually partaking in some risky behavior. While this may be one of men’s worst nightmares, technically it shouldn’t be because you always have that ace in the hole. That “but we were on a break” excuse. TECHNICALLY, she can’t really be mad at you because you guys were not together. TECHNICALLY, you’ve done nothing wrong and she has no right to leave you because it did not happen while you were together. Men know this and I feel like it is about to take on another life of its own. Men know that women are emotional creatures and think irrationally when it comes to love. They know that while the woman has every right to be upset that if he continues to drill it in her head that they were on a “break” she will eventually forgive him because those are the rules. It has happened to the best of us. But what I don’t like is how women just pacify the men when this takes place. It’s like they feel more empowered for sticking with a man who has done them wrong. That’s that Ride or Die syndrome. “My girl got my back regardless of what I do” and she is in the background bobbing her head while feeding his two kids. I’m just saying, some things are just too much.

I, personally, couldn’t just let someone off the hook for getting a woman pregnant while we were on a “break.” Seeing that the whole idea of a “break” is to get clarification on your relationship, I’m not really sure I want to continue being with someone who thought they could find this clarification in between another woman’s legs. And then to be so irresponsible as to get them pregnant. That just makes it worst. Seems to me that they were not thinking of you nor the relationship during this “break” so what is the point of staying with them? My biggest hope is that women stop settling for so damn little. If he can’t respect you enough while you are on a “break” then why would he respect you in a relationship? Being on a “break” does not curve your feelings towards that person. It doesn’t make the love stop just because you guys aren’t technically together. It’s the same thing for those who are in long term relationships but are not married. You still do the same thing that a wife does. Those acts don’t change once you get a ring. There is just a title that comes with it.

My advice to those out there is if you need a “break”, just break up. Or be prepared to take care of someone else’s baby because yall know this is a celebrity trend that is going to spread. “Aww, baby Dwyane did it and look at what Gabby did. She took him back with a smile. If they can make it work, I know we can.” -_-

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Daddyless Daughter

daddyless_daughter

Let me start by saying this post is a long time coming. I have had this post in my heart for almost a year now but never knew how to quite get it out. Then the queen of the universe, Oprah Winfrey, had a show entitled “Daddyless Daughters” and I thought to myself, I am not the only one who has thought about this. No, I did not watch the show. (I am actually going to make myself watch it tonight.) I did not watch the show because I knew what they were talking about and frankly I didn’t have time to stir up old emotions. I had my own stuff to deal wit. Kids, job issues, self motivation issues, relationship issues…thinking about being a daddyless daughter was not something I was trying to add to my list. But, finally, in lieu of my issues I am ready to tackle this one. I am no longer worried about who reads this and what they think because frankly I could give two shits. When you get to a certain age, people’s thoughts and perception start to slowly mean less and less. Those who matter already know my issues so what anyone else thinks or comments is irrelevant.

Let me start by saying my real father lives in San Diego. Him and my mom divorced when I was five and she moved to Atlanta. My relationship with him is very non existent. Honestly, I don’t know a thing about him except he drinks. That’s where I get that from. I have never had a connection with him, nor have I ever wanted to. It’s funny how you think you are over something, even as an adult, until you are faced with that something. A few months back my father contacted my sister in California trying to contact me. This shocked me because at 27 I have seen my father a good five times, if that, and have spoken to him a good three. What was he contacting me for? Maybe he had a change of heart and actually wanted to get to know his daughter. I mean, I’m a published author now, so I have some interesting things going on. Maybe he wants to know about his grandchildren. Maybe he wants to visit or fly us out. These are all the things that went through my head as I waited for his call. But lo and behold, he wanted none of these things. He wanted my mom to stop child support so he could pursue something. I remember being on the phone with him and he faked interest and started asking me questions. I felt like I was on the phone with a complete stranger. “So, how are you?” “Fine.” “Hmm.” Silence. “Your mom told me you wrote a book.” “Yeah. I have two.” “Hmm.” More silence. “Well, where can I get it?” “I have a website that you can purchase them on.” “Hmm. What’s the website?” www.iamje- ” “Why don’t you just email it to me?” -_- Did he just interrupt me?? Yeah, that’s how it went. A conversation with my father. The man who helped give me life. The man who is suppose to be the one male I can depend on. The one that I can run to when I have problems. The one who tells me over and over again that I am the prettiest girl in the world. The one that I want my husband to be like. That was my father on the phone. Who knew nothing and did not care to know anything about his little girl.

Now, like I said before I never really talked to my father, so he was pretty non-existent in my eyes. My mother remarried when I was about 8 and I had my dad around. Growing up, I remember my dad being funny and goofy. But I was a real mama’s girl so I didn’t even pay him that much attention. As I got older, I began to notice the withdrawal, especially after they began to have kids of their own. High school, I honestly could not stand being there. The yelling, the attitude, the disregard for others feelings. People wonder why I hate cartoons like Spiderman, Batman, etc. Well, try watching TV in the living room and having your dad snatch the remote from the couch and turn the channel and his only response is “when you pay the bills then you can watch what you want to.” Yeah, I hated anything he came into contact with. People wonder why I am so independent and absolutely refuse help. Seriously, this guy offered to open my door and I cussed him out about it because I didn’t need his help. But you have to understand where I am coming from. Going over your parents house with your kids, at night, and having absolutely no, NONE, help from your dad to get the kids back in the car and any additional bags I may have left with. Or being dropped off from the grocery store and not getting any help to take the groceries inside. This was and is my life. Why would I let a man help me when my dad doesn’t even do it? Why should I deserve this type of common courtesy treatment? Why would I believe anything that comes out of a man’s mouth? My own dad doesn’t speak to me. So what makes what is coming out of your mouth special? See, this is my mindset and it didn’t take until today for me to be fully over it. Hence, the reason why I am writing this post. I am over being afraid of what someone might say. I am over being cautious of other’s feelings when I’m hurting here and no one knows. I am over it.

Being a daddyless daughter has hindered me more because I actually have two dads! But the rejection from not just one, but two, is worse. It keeps me thinking something must be wrong with me because damn neither one of them gives a damn about you. Neither one of them tells you you are beautiful. Neither one of them tells you you are wonderful. Neither one of them tells you that you are a good mother. That you are a hard worker. That you are worthy of love. That you can do anything in this world. That they love you. I wrote this post so that people can realize the affects that they have on their children. Those babies aren’t just playing and living life without taking mental notes of everything that you are doing. You are affecting them. This has affected me still and I am 27. I cannot properly love someone else because of this. Do you really want that for your children? Do you want your issues affecting their ability to do something in their lives? Parents you have to wake up and realize that it is just not you anymore. You are affecting everyone around you and could possibly continue a horrible cycle. Love your kids more. Spend time with them. Tell them how wonderful they are even if they are getting on your last nerves. If they can’t come to you and receive praise, why would they expect it from others? As far as me and this issue, I have written about it and thus the healing has began. I have also poured a huge glass of wine. ;)

Photo credit: www.theopenedbox.com