Depressed On The 1st

Today I woke up depressed…but isn’t it the New Year? Wasn’t some magical time bomb suppose to go off that instantly made 2019 my best year? Didn’t all that emotional shit get left behind at the stroke of midnight? Clearly, it did not.

Let me clarify this depression. While it isn’t the normal depression that I’m used to dealing with throughout my whole life…it still is a form that I’ve began to recognize. For the past month, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the arrival of my daughter. Is she overdue? Technically no…but when you’ve been in constant pain and the doctor mentions that you’re measuring further along and she is already very big…you get excited at the thought that she’s gonna be here sooner than you think. So I automatically go into preparation mode. I had to get everything ready for her imminent arrival. I had meal prep ideas, cleaned out my closet, everything was organized, I closed my business. I WAS READY!!! A whole ass month later…no baby. 🙄

This is when I began to notice the small signs of depression that many people ignore. I became a robot. I was literally doing the same thing every single day. Wake up, drop the boys off at school, go to work, pick them up from school, go back to work, come home, cook, watch Bobs Burgers, and go to sleep by 9. This was my routine. When the weekend came…I was lost. I didn’t know what to do nor did I want to do anything. I would literally just lay on the couch and see how much pain I could withstand before it was time for bed. For me, the pain meant she was still possibly coming. (Clear negative)

The week before Christmas, I magically could feel no pain. I was able to walk again. Finally!! She was coming. I Googled a bunch of herbs and foods to see how we could speed this along and went for it. It felt like it was working…she was going to be here soon…I COULD FEEL IT! I went to the doctor, knowing they were gonna tell me I was at least dilated. But again…more unanswered questions and just the same ole “lets see what the specialist says next week.” MORE WAITING!

For a person with anxiety, waiting is the worst thing that could ever be told to them. You literally want me to wait three days to see IF she can be induced? Why can’t we just get this over today? What am I suppose to do with my life until then?? So, I went home and did nothing. I slept. I didn’t engage with anyone. My mind didn’t think about anything but when will she come? I would wake up in the middle of the night wondering if my water broke, how would I react? This was consuming me.

The final straw was New Year’s Eve. I was prepared to sleep at 9 as usual. My kids were good. I put on some music to clear my head and laid down. And then my idiot neighbors commenced a 4 hour firework show in our backyard. I’ve been irritated before and normally just got over it, but this time I couldn’t. I started crying until it was somewhat over. I wondered why was I even crying over something so small and realized I just wanted to sleep and get to the next day. A day closer to her being born. I woke up the next morning, went to the bathroom, laid down figuring out how I would spend this day off and was shocked as tears rolled down my eyes. Wtf?? It’s a new year and I don’t think this is allowed. What was I crying for? I wanted my hair done but I knew I was going to be too exhausted and mentally drained to do it. I wanted to feel cute but I knew I would just end my day feeling pregnant again. Nothing was going to be accomplished today.

That’s what clicked. The only accomplishment I was focused on was delivering this baby. Nothing else mattered. For the past two months, this has been my only focus. I hadn’t been able to wrap my mind around anything else. This was a state of depression, but in a completely different form. And how was I going to combat it? I mean, I can’t just make her come out. It is a horrible waiting game so where do I go from here? Normally I would drink, smoke and start with a clear head. But that can’t be done. I could get out the house but the issue would still be looming and waiting for me when I walked back in the door.

So, the only thing I could think of was to write. 🤷🏾‍♀️ It’s always been my go to. Even if what I’m writing makes no sense. I’m getting the thoughts out of my head for the moment. It’s the one release that always works for me. I’m sure many will read this and not understand a thing I’m going through…and that’s fine. I never write for anyone but me. It is my therapy that I just happen to share with the world. That is the one thing I know will never change in this new year. Depression and anxiety will always be a part of me. No matter what. The biggest takeaway is that I recognize it and learn how to curb it so it is manageable. It never goes away. But it doesn’t have to be life consuming either.

And even if I’m pregnant for the rest of my life, medically impossible but mentally I feel it can happen 😂, I will have to just chalk it up. I can’t control everything. The anxiety will have to just deal. She’s in control and not me. C’est la vie. ❤️

S/N: STOP ASKING PREGNANT WOMEN IF THEY ARE STILL PREGNANT! Also…what kind of magical potion are these celebs taking because everyone has had their baby, but me 😩😂. ✌🏾

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RuPaul’s Dragrace Season 9 Presents Snatch Game: The Watered Down Version

Okay, so we all know that season 9 has been full of let downs, horrible edits, and lackluster lip syncs. But this week was finally the week we all have been waiting for. SNATCH GAME!!! Now, if you are unfamiliar, snatch game is where the queens dress up like famous celebs and impersonate them. It is honestly my favorite episode of every season…except this one. For some reason, it just didn’t have that spark that it normally does. It didn’t seem like everyone had much camera time and I barely knew who a few of the girls were.

Here are a few pics from the game:

Now, here is the quick rundown of the ladies and my thoughts:

Trinity(Amanda Lepore) Breast plate

Sasha(Marlene Dietrich) Weird, but I’m here for it

Aja(Alyssa Edwards) not funny…facial expressions

Nina(Jasmine Masters) Perfect makeup and attitude

Alexis(Liza Minnelli) hilarious

Peppermint(Nene Leakes) horrible! Talking too much and stumbling

Valentina(Miss Colombia) surprisingly funny

Shea Coulee(Naomi Campbell) glamorous

Cynthia Lee(Sofia Vergara) all over the place

Farrah(Gigi Gorgeous) blah

Nina Bo’Nina Angry Black Woman Brown definitely kicked it up a notch with her impersonation of Jasmine Masters. Her voice was perfect, attitude and look was down pact. I think even Jasmine would be able to say at least one thing good about this performance. Shea Coulee’s makeup was flawless and she was an exceptional Naomi. Not overly funny, but just the right timing. Valentina was my underdog for this show because I was a little worried about her making Miss Colombia actually funny. But she did it in a way that was not too dramatic but, definitely kept me laughing. Alexis was great as Liza…but unfortunately, she looked too much like Roxxxy Andrews for me to fully concentrate.

Now for the negative. I didn’t get Aja and her take on Alyssa Edwards. She was too focused on weird facial expressions and didn’t make a connection to the character. I have no idea who Sasha was playing, but she was dark, but tolerable. Farrah was boring and Cynthia was basically herself…which was horrible and awkward. Trinity was someone who I didn’t know. She had a few jokes, but I hated that I could see her breast plate! Come on queen. Those are basic no-nos. And Peppermint…lord. No explanation…just gifs.

The runway was dedicated to Madonna and the looks were incredible. AND IT WAS FINALLY A FULL RUNWAY!! Best look for me, hands down, was Sasha. Valentina’s look was bold (where the hell did she tuck that??), but simple.

There was a double “Bitch Stole My Look” moment between Trinity and Nina and Peppermint and Shea. You be the judge, but Trinity and Shea won for me.

In the bottom two, Cynthia and Peppermint went head to head and Peppermint turnt it out!!! She made me a huge fan just off of that performance. Just please! NO MOE PINK!!

Now, when it comes to this season’s snatch game, I don’t think it was that much time placed on it. There was no real workroom interaction between the girls, the camera time was limited, and I think there were only three questions asked. There was more time focused on “Therapy Makeup Moment” when Peppermint came out as a trans woman. I just want more focus on the actual drag and not everything else, but it seems like we are getting closer. My top three are still Nina, Shea, and Sasha and I am so ready for Aja, Trinity, and Farrah to go home. Who were some of your faves and why?

Fyre Festival Sets Twitter Ablaze…But Not in a Good Way

Okay, so I woke up this morning and checked Twitter like I religiously do to make sure the world has not been destroyed. Donald Trump hasn’t completely screwed up so all looks well. Then I see a RT about Fyre Festival and some man begging for help. Putting on my FBI hat, I started to follow his tweets and finally found the hashtag for the festival. Continue reading

Couples Dating and Living Together…yay or nay?

Shacking up. The legendary term coined by black grandmothers describing unwed couples who lived together. This was something that was looked down on and at one point, never happened. But this day, more than half of couples live together before entertaining the thought of marriage. Why was this such a taboo thing to do back then and why has it become the norm now?

For me, I believe that most older people believed in the tradition and idea of marriage. They believed in a woman being very docile and the man being very dominant, but respectful. They believed in the man and woman not kissing or having sexual interaction while dating. So if that is the case, living together is a definite no while dating. Flip it to today and it is the complete opposite. People are a lot freer with themselves and traditions have gone out the window. Most people when asked have at one point lived or had their significant other living with them.

I have dabbled with shacking with two of my boyfriends and honestly, it is something I would encourage any couple to do. But only when they have hit that serious stage. Living with your mate has a lot of benefits, such as double income, always having someone around when you need them, and getting to know that person’s quirks and learning how to adjust. A lot of problems that happen in marriage could be prevented if the couple just lived together and had the opportunity to learn how to work through it. Or leave if it’s something they can’t handle. Being married makes it a little harder to just leave, so many people stay unhappy for years.

Lately, my boyfriend and I have not been living together. It’s not by choice, but it’s been that way for about 6 months, off and on. When we first started dating, we always were in the same place, but now that I have had this break from living with him, it feels a little different. Dare I say…nice. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my man to death, but I understand why some people would prefer it. You have your own space when needed and you get the chance to miss your partner. That’s the best part. The excitement of finally being able to plan something and spend time with him. Every time, I am like a giddy teenager and it builds our bond. It brings the thrill of dating back and that is something that I am really starting to enjoy.

Now, even though I enjoy this new thrill…I still can’t wait until we are under the same roof. There are kids involved and things would just be a lot smoother. Each relationship is different, so naturally, do what works for yours. I would encourage anyone to at least try it both ways. Even if it is not a full move in…try two weeks out of the month, for a few months. See how you interact when you are in each other’s space for 24/7. You may find things that you cannot deal with or even things that you learn about yourself. Being in a relationship is all about growing and learning. Do what you have to do to get to the full potential. I mean, if you can’t stand to live with each other, how are you going to get married? Think of how relieved you would be if you lived with your boyfriend and discovered he was a neat freak or that your girlfriend was a hoarder. Wouldn’t you want the opportunity to know this and adjust before the final marriage stamp? To me, living together is like the final test before the huge final exam. If you can past that, you can get through anything. Oh…and if you’re abstaining from sex, living together can still take place. Godspeed to you though :).

 

I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!! What are your thoughts? Are you against shacking up? Have you ever lived with your partner? What was your experience? Would you do it again or would you wait with your next relationship?

 

Spice Up Your Life! My 5 Go To Spices to Make My Dishes Pop!

Growing up, I always hated eating the same things over and over again. I wondered if I would ever one day just get tired of food. Luckily, I found a cool way to keep that from happening. I began to make it a weekly habit to go to the Farmers Market and make sure I purchased at least one or two new herbs or spices that I had never used or heard of. This helped to keep up my creativity while cooking, while also educating myself on different ways to flavor my dishes. Continue reading

Why “Black Girls Rock” Is Still Needed

IMG_5576Cosmopolitan magazine recently published an article with these four makeup trends. The pictures are showing women of color doing the trend wrong whereas the women of non color have hit the nail on the head. -_- This is the exact reason why shows like “Black Girls Rock” is still needed in today’s society. Some would argue that the recent events like The First Family being Black or number 1 television shows featuring exclusively Black actors are starting to appear, would show that racism is going away. But we all know that is a lie. Even if you take out the constant police brutality against black men, the constant dehumanization of people of color when it comes to the media is abundant and thrives. These pictures not only signify that Black women are getting it wrong, they should die in the process. This is something that should have never been thought about nor gotten to the publishing stage. But it is ideas like these, little slight nuisances that continue to shove the story of Black women not being good enough.

Watching “Black Girls Rock” last night was a powerful moment. I watch it every year and am always inspired and motivated by the beautiful women of color, young and old, that continue to make waves in society. This year, I decided to watch it with my oldest son. He asked me why were only Black girls on the show and I hesitated. He’s only 8 and I wasn’t sure how to answer his question in a way that he would understand. I then replied, “How many Black girls do you see on the shows that you watch?” He immediately got it. He expressed that he doesn’t see any Black girls on the shows he watches and if he does it’s only one or two but they aren’t always on there. This misrepresentation is the reason for this show. This is the reason why “White Girls Rock” is not a thing. “White Girls Rock” is an obvious statement everywhere you look! Every media ad you see is a woman of non color claiming to be beautiful or powerful. If you see a Black woman, she is always on the side. Never in the forefront. We have to continue to push shows and agendas like these for our community. These positive images are what our youth need to see. It is what we all need to see. That no matter what, we are not what they paint us to be. Black women are the most powerful women in this world once we tap into our brilliance. We create the trends, we motivate the masses, we have the ability to do anything with nothing. We are the original creators. So, I implore everyone to tell a Black girl or Black woman that she rocks each and every day because just turning on the TV or flipping a page in a magazine states otherwise.