Depressed On The 1st

Today I woke up depressed…but isn’t it the New Year? Wasn’t some magical time bomb suppose to go off that instantly made 2019 my best year? Didn’t all that emotional shit get left behind at the stroke of midnight? Clearly, it did not.

Let me clarify this depression. While it isn’t the normal depression that I’m used to dealing with throughout my whole life…it still is a form that I’ve began to recognize. For the past month, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the arrival of my daughter. Is she overdue? Technically no…but when you’ve been in constant pain and the doctor mentions that you’re measuring further along and she is already very big…you get excited at the thought that she’s gonna be here sooner than you think. So I automatically go into preparation mode. I had to get everything ready for her imminent arrival. I had meal prep ideas, cleaned out my closet, everything was organized, I closed my business. I WAS READY!!! A whole ass month later…no baby. 🙄

This is when I began to notice the small signs of depression that many people ignore. I became a robot. I was literally doing the same thing every single day. Wake up, drop the boys off at school, go to work, pick them up from school, go back to work, come home, cook, watch Bobs Burgers, and go to sleep by 9. This was my routine. When the weekend came…I was lost. I didn’t know what to do nor did I want to do anything. I would literally just lay on the couch and see how much pain I could withstand before it was time for bed. For me, the pain meant she was still possibly coming. (Clear negative)

The week before Christmas, I magically could feel no pain. I was able to walk again. Finally!! She was coming. I Googled a bunch of herbs and foods to see how we could speed this along and went for it. It felt like it was working…she was going to be here soon…I COULD FEEL IT! I went to the doctor, knowing they were gonna tell me I was at least dilated. But again…more unanswered questions and just the same ole “lets see what the specialist says next week.” MORE WAITING!

For a person with anxiety, waiting is the worst thing that could ever be told to them. You literally want me to wait three days to see IF she can be induced? Why can’t we just get this over today? What am I suppose to do with my life until then?? So, I went home and did nothing. I slept. I didn’t engage with anyone. My mind didn’t think about anything but when will she come? I would wake up in the middle of the night wondering if my water broke, how would I react? This was consuming me.

The final straw was New Year’s Eve. I was prepared to sleep at 9 as usual. My kids were good. I put on some music to clear my head and laid down. And then my idiot neighbors commenced a 4 hour firework show in our backyard. I’ve been irritated before and normally just got over it, but this time I couldn’t. I started crying until it was somewhat over. I wondered why was I even crying over something so small and realized I just wanted to sleep and get to the next day. A day closer to her being born. I woke up the next morning, went to the bathroom, laid down figuring out how I would spend this day off and was shocked as tears rolled down my eyes. Wtf?? It’s a new year and I don’t think this is allowed. What was I crying for? I wanted my hair done but I knew I was going to be too exhausted and mentally drained to do it. I wanted to feel cute but I knew I would just end my day feeling pregnant again. Nothing was going to be accomplished today.

That’s what clicked. The only accomplishment I was focused on was delivering this baby. Nothing else mattered. For the past two months, this has been my only focus. I hadn’t been able to wrap my mind around anything else. This was a state of depression, but in a completely different form. And how was I going to combat it? I mean, I can’t just make her come out. It is a horrible waiting game so where do I go from here? Normally I would drink, smoke and start with a clear head. But that can’t be done. I could get out the house but the issue would still be looming and waiting for me when I walked back in the door.

So, the only thing I could think of was to write. 🤷🏾‍♀️ It’s always been my go to. Even if what I’m writing makes no sense. I’m getting the thoughts out of my head for the moment. It’s the one release that always works for me. I’m sure many will read this and not understand a thing I’m going through…and that’s fine. I never write for anyone but me. It is my therapy that I just happen to share with the world. That is the one thing I know will never change in this new year. Depression and anxiety will always be a part of me. No matter what. The biggest takeaway is that I recognize it and learn how to curb it so it is manageable. It never goes away. But it doesn’t have to be life consuming either.

And even if I’m pregnant for the rest of my life, medically impossible but mentally I feel it can happen 😂, I will have to just chalk it up. I can’t control everything. The anxiety will have to just deal. She’s in control and not me. C’est la vie. ❤️

S/N: STOP ASKING PREGNANT WOMEN IF THEY ARE STILL PREGNANT! Also…what kind of magical potion are these celebs taking because everyone has had their baby, but me 😩😂. ✌🏾

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Anticipated Adele “25” Finally Drops and I Have my Tissue Ready

adele

Photo Source: Adele.com

So, if you are like me, you have been waiting for Adele’s new album the day after she dropped her last one years ago. I literally was waiting in agony to punish myself with more heartbreaking music that would have me depressed for hours on end. This is what Adele did to you. With “19” and “21,” she rips at your emotions and leaves you damaged…totally wrecked. And probably for no reason. I don’t even think I was dating anyone when these albums came out, but you couldn’t tell me I hadn’t just been through the hardest breakup in my life. (Dammit James from 3rd grade!!)

Finally the moment had came! “25” was available! Now, I know I said how much I was waiting for this album, but I can’t lie and say I didn’t hesitate before downloading. I mean this time I actually had been through an emotional breakup and I wasn’t sure if I was ready. Was I strong enough to listen to this album without throwing myself onto the couch in the fetal position for the next three days? I told myself that we were good and downloaded the CD. (I actually had a pow wow with myself…don’t judge me.)

With each song becoming available, I could feel the anticipation. I was so ready! First song was “Hello” which I’ve already cried a thousand times to, so so far I was good. Next song, “Send My Love (To Your New Lover),” was upbeat and had me feeling great. It’s basically saying that I’m over you, finally, and tell your new boo I said hey. A very shady and adult song and I was here for it. Then came “I Miss You.” Now, by the title alone…I knew I was probably in trouble. The slow melodic intro had me grabbing for the tissue and waiting patiently. But then the beat turns into a sultry vibe and the emotional Gods spared me. This was actually a very sexy song that I envisioned myself pole dancing to for bae. Three songs down…eight more to go!

“When We Were Young” seemed pretty harmless. Welp…in true Adele form, she comes in singing powerfully with a piano playing softly. Dammit! Adele sings about seeing an old love that basically has stirred up all these old emotions of when they were younger. I opened the tissue packet because I knew where this was going. The next song starts off the same. Adele and her beloved piano companion pull me in. “Remedy” discusses how she will be there for someone who is going through it all. For some reason, I felt like she was talking to me, but anyways. This is where the emotions started to stir up. Who doesn’t want someone to be there for them in their darkest moment? Can’t you imagine casting all your burdens to the side and laying in Adele’s lap so she can sing softly to you? I mean it probably will make everything worse, but still.

“Water Under the Bridge” and “River Lea” both have a more upbeat tone that made those emotions subside and put me back in a normal mental state. 4 songs to go and I was not a sniffling mess. I could get used to this when listening to Adele. And then it happened. Piano and violins start to play and Adele comes in, singing soft and somberly. “I can’t stay this time cause I don’t love you anymore. Please stay where you are. Don’t come any closer. Don’t try to change my mind. I’m being cruel to be kind.” Welp…there goes my life. Adele hits a high note in the chorus and I just die. She does this to me every time!

“Love in the Dark” struck a chord with me because it is very relatable. When you get to that place of finally being over someone, but they refuse to let you go and you have to beg for them to just leave you alone. Selfish bastards. “Million Years Ago” had me in my feelings for absolutely no reason. Now, this is what I love about Adele. She can bring emotions out of nowhere. Giving me a Spanish sultry vibe, Adele belts out a powerful song about living to her full potential. She had me missing my mother and friends when I see my mother damn near everyday lol. This just goes to show the strength of this woman and her voice.

Two more songs and I only had a few emotional moments…nothing crazy like before. I was smooth sailing. And then “All I Ask” comes on and let’s just say, I have had it on repeat for the last hour. The dynamic duo are back, (Adele and piano), and the beginning of the song is fine. Then the chorus comes… “All I ask is iffffff….this is my laaaassst night with you. Hold me like I’m more than just a frieeeeend. Give me a memory I can useeee. Take me by the hand while we doooo what lovers do. It matters how this ends… cause what if I never looooove again.” All the tears are here. I can’t deal! Adele sings from her soul with this song and I can do nothing but rock and sway and cry. Seriously…if you have just been through a break up or something…don’t torture yourself with this song.

Adele ends the album with “Sweetest Devotion.” I love this song because it shows the power behind Adele’s voice and range. It’s not too emotional and it’s a great way to kind of clean yourself up after the previous song.

In my opinion, Adele is one of those sweet pains. You know her music is going to take you there, but you don’t mind. You will torture yourself emotionally because her voice is just that good. It is so hard to find really good music nowadays. Singers who actually can sing. Songs that actually have meaning. So, yes. You may have to go buy a pint of ice cream and stay in your corner for a few hours, but it is well worth it. Everyone can relate to heartbreak and the best music comes from that raw pain. I know it may sound bad, but I didn’t want a happy album from Adele. I wanted that pain and raw feelings that we all have gone through. I will say that you can tell the growth in Adele, hence it is called “25”, because the emotions are a little more mature than it was on “19” or “21.” Bottom line is…Adele is the shit so go and support her!

Trapped

It has happened.
I’m finally there.
Years of doubt and struggle,
But here I am.
Love has found me.
I have finally opened my once cold and blocked heart
To the possibilities.
Joy, happiness, love
But, wait?
You’re gone…again.
On the phone…again.
Chillin….again.
But I was there!
I mean, I was really right there.
I was there in that place,
Mind made up.
Telling me to allow this to fruition into
What I knew it could be.
Love.
Giggling.
Excitement.
Secure.
I.was.there.
But, now, I don’t know where I am.
That smile that warmed my heart
Is no longer around.
That voice that kept me sane
Is gone.
You’re here, but where are you?
Laying next to me, but I can’t feel you’re touch.
Is this love?
Am i still there?
No. I’m definitely back here.
Oh, God.
Here it comes.
The insecurity. The thoughts. The constant “what did I do?”
Never good enough.
Pretty enough. Skinny enough.
Thick enough. Funny enough.
Never enough to keep me there.
There.
That place I had longed for.
Had praised God once I got there,
But now what do I do now
That I am back here?
Start again?
I’m too tired.
Keep trying?
Why bother.
This place is dark.
Cold.
Depleted.
But familiar.
I know how to act here.
No surprises. No turnarounds.
One strict goal.
Trapped…out of love…again.
Welcome home.

Unleashed

1

Strip me down bare
Reveal these tortured walls
Let me rest inside of you
Or better yet you inside of me
Choke those inner feelings
Exhale these doubtful dreams
Caress the curves of my unspoken truth

Embrace my silent mentality
Kiss away my fears
Whisper silent prayers in my ears
Grab my soul
Command my attention
Cause sweet seizures to my spine
Harden my mind
Moisten my heart
Awaken every inch of my life
Strip me down bare
Reveal these tortured walls
Make love to my single being

The Girl Who Stood Alone

1

You see that smile
One of my greatest feats yet
Smiling through pain
Over 20 years in and still
Going
You see the girl behind that smile
No one wants to meet
No one cares about
That girl is everyone’s plan b
Put on the back burner
Time and time again.
You see everyone loves
That smile she carries
But no one knows of the pain behind it.
The sadness. The hurt. The
Longing for this life to be over.
What’s the point of living to be disappointed day in and day out?
What’s the point of living to constantly be rejected?
But she can’t let anyone see this.
She has to keep that forced front up.
That hardness…that shell.
Happiness evades her…but sadness overwhelms.
Tears come easy while laughs are forced.
Often alone…the darkness is her friend.
But when it’s time to go out, the show begins.
Makeup to cover the scars of rejection,
Lipstick to cover the anguish of heartbreak.
Foundation to cover a face to unfamiliar for her.
In the light, she is joyful…witty
But if they only knew the girl behind that smile.
A girl that only herself can confront…comfort on brinks of breakdowns.
A girl that carries the weight of her world on her own shoulders.
But no one cares.
That smile…so beautiful and bright…
But only if you could see her at night.

Blaze

1

I normally don’t smoke…alone
But you’re gone so here it goes.
But with each hit, I realize my reality…
You’re gone…I’m here…
Again.
I lost myself in you and
It wasn’t enough.
You left me hazy like this
Green apple kush I’m blazin.
Had me on cloud nine
Every single orgasmic time.
That smile, those eyes, that mindset
You had me.
But like this blunt…
The spark has died out.
See, if I inhale hard enough
I can light it again.
But is it worth the pain…the stress?
Or should I just let it go?
Remember the intoxication and save it for another lifetime?
But unlike this blunt…
I can’t get enough.
You.
I need all of you.
Not just a few puffs of pleasure.
I need it all.
But it hits me again…
My reality.
I search for my lighter
Getting higher and higher
“Bitch don’t kill my vibe”
Blasting higher and higher.
Inhaling, transforming
No more reality.

Soulmates

1

I would sell my soul
Just so you could no longer
Hold it in your grasp
Just so I could be released from you.
You have done more than capture my soul,
You have completely taken it over.
I am wielded to do your every desires
But it is not by force, but by love
This effortless stream of love
The type of love that comes like breathing
While others second guess it,
I think nothing of it.
But this is because you have me completely
Body, mind, and soul.
So taboo, yet so right.
My sweet soul snatcher,
You have me in your grasps.
The power of our worlds never seem to end.
It’s like our energies seek one another, no matter what realm we are in.
You find me
And I find you.
Our bodies seem to gravitate closer and closer.
A rush of electrons flow through my body.
This connection…so rare…so wrong.
Praying for some type of release, but what do you do when he has a hold of something so precious?
Something not so easily given?
I’ll just lay here in the moonlight
As your spirit calls out to mines.
A quick blush runs over me.
This is more than love.
Soul…mates…