I had to take time out to shine a spotlight on an up and coming comedian. Better known as, to me, as the light skinned Barry White (watch the video and you will get it), Dakota Rivers is absolutely hilarious. Hailing from New York City, Dakota’s number one goal is to become a success. He is a jack of all trades. While he is amazing as a comedian, he is also skilled in videography and editing. Make sure you check out his youtube page, subscribe, and pass along the word. You can also follow him on Twitter @The_Kota_.
Have you ever sat down and wrote out a list of all your prior relationships? Or even men you may have just hooked up with just to see where everything went wrong? Normally I don’t because my luck with relationships is just horrible but I really wondered if it was something I was doing. Most people think I am being overly dramatic, as I am about any and everything, but when I actually break it down to them they think that I am lying. I don’t know if that is sad or funny or what, but it is what it is. It is a running joke with myself and my best friend that every dude I come into contact with will have a story. He will seriously say, after I have met someone, “Can’t wait to see how this one will end?” smh Now I know you are thinking that I shouldn’t already shoot myself in the foot but after you read this list then you will understand why I think exactly the way he does. I used to be a very optimistic person when it came to love and relationships, but dammit I’m getting too old and tired for it now. I am a realist and realistically, it’s not gonna work out for me. Let’s start.
1. Him- yall already know who he is, but if not this was my first love. We were friends since 7th grade, started dating right after high school. He went off to college and so did I but we fell hard for each other. Well, at least I did. He went on to cheat on me and we broke up, but my heart was always there. It took me 8 years to get out of those feelings, mainly because we are great friends today. I, personally, feel that he is responsible for all these losers I encountered afterwards, lol. I’ll explain at the end.
2. BD1- This was a guy I met at work. I was still in my heartbroken stage and needed someone to get my mind off of Him. That’s where BD1, Baby Daddy #1, came in. During high school I was always the quiet and shy one. So whenever I got a little attention, I ran with it. BD1 showed me all the attention I needed, only at work though(I realized that afterwards). Long story short, we “dated” for four months which included 2 break ups. I found out I was pregnant and I also found out he was married with another child on the way.
3. Walmart guy- So after I had my son, I was working at Walmart and this guy would come in a flirt with me. He gave me his number and we decided to go out. While we were suppose to go out, he actually took me to some spot in the woods to make out. As we were doing that I asked him about that shiny ring on his finger. He laughed it off. I told him to take me home.
4. Pee in the Bed- So here I was. A single mother, still figuring out feelings over Him who would still come around every so often and make me feel on top of the world and then leave and make me feel like shit. So, I started doing what every bored person did. Online chatting. Met this guy, seemed nice. We talked for a minute and planned to meet up. Met up, went out( played video games at his house) and one night he slept over at my house. Sooo, I’m a pretty light sleeper, I guess, but I hear this running water sound in the middle of the night. I think nothing of it but when I wake up, before the guy, I see that there is a puddle of piss under him in my bed! I get out of the bed, get dressed, and wait for him in the living room. He wakes up, said nothing, and leaves.
5. Fat- So I tried the chatting thing again. Met a guy thought he would be cool to just talk to. He was really big. My mom told me not to judge him and so we started dating. Not trying to be funny, but he would literally come to my house and eat all my food. Seriously. I was a single mother and not working and dude would just come over and go in the fridge like it was his. He also was using me for my car. I would take him back and forth to the train station, but once he got his car, I never heard from him again.
6. A friend of a friend- this is short. I hooked up with a friend of a friend. He ended up swindling me out of $50-$60. Never heard from him again.
7. BD2- Met him at work. He had a ton of kids but was taking care of them all. We dated for two years. He was extremely possessive and crazy. I couldn’t be on my phone talking to my mother without it being an argument and him thinking I was planning excursions with Idris Elba. Not even sure why I stayed with him for all that time. My only reasoning is I was crazy and lonely. After being kicked out and homeless, I became pregnant. That’s when all hell broke loose. There was accusations of the baby not being his, he was constantly attacking Him because we were such good friends. There were constant threats. I still can’t listen to “Love the Way You Lie” without getting chills. Lastly, he tried to kill himself while I was in the house and I left.
8. Mr. New York- After BD2, I swore off of relationships. I had a few “buddies” but nothing serious. One of those “buddies” was a guy I met from New York. He seemed pretty cool and I mean he was from up top, yall know how that goes. So we had hooked up and one day me and my friend were sitting around talking about him. We decided to do what all girls do and Google his name. As soon as I pressed enter a long ass page of mug shots came up. I almost died from laughing so hard because I just couldn’t believe it. Then we went to Facebook and saw a cute little family. Smh…oh and he was 40.
9. Cool Guy- This guy really made me believe in love again. Well, kind of. He stayed out of town and had a girlfriend but we were mainly just friends. We would flirt a little and talk crazy but nothing went past that. Whenever I was going through something, he was always there to pick me back up. The bad thing with him was, well duh! He had a girlfriend. He wasn’t that happy with their relationship and I think that’s what would piss me off the most. But it is what it is.
10. ?- This guy would only come around for certain reasons. Sometimes I hated him, other times I liked to be around him. But I see this going nowhere because he is just not my type. He also may or may not have assaulted a grandmother( inside joke).
11. Buffalo Wild Wings- This is short. Met a guy when I finally convinced myself to go out by myself for the first time ever. This was huge for me. I was watching the UFC fight. After I left, guy asked for my number, gave it to him. Texted me that night to make sure I got home safely since it was raining and late. Texted me the next day asking when could he see me. I told him to arrange a date and I would meet him wherever we went. Guy gets mad. Seriously mad. He didn’t want to take me out anywhere. “Why would I spend money on someone I don’t know if I’ma like?” Ummmm, is that not the point of a date? He really wanted me to just chill at his house. “I don’t mind spending money after we chill and I find out if I like you.” I proceeded to cuss him out and he sent me a picture of his penis saying I was missing out.
12. Confused- This last one really put the nail in the coffin for me. He came out of nowhere, we actually went to school together, asked to hang out. We went out a few times, made out a few more, but then his past relationship entered back in the picture. I was content with it, but the going out continued and it left me confused. One minute they were done, the next they were back together and I was caught in the middle with my own mixed up feelings left out to dry. My one chance at a good guy and it seemed he would rather be played with by someone he loved than trying something different. The hardest thing is knowing that you could be perfect for someone and watch them settle for less.
So, let me explain how this is all “Him”s fault, okay and a little of mine. If I wasn’t so busy trying to catch the same high that he gave me or so busy trying to erase the memory of him then I would have never hooked up with these guys. How is that his fault? Because in between these guys he was still coming around, still giving me mixed signals. Then he would just leave abruptly. He had me in my “I’ma get you back” mode. He wasn’t gonna be the only one going out with other people. It was also my fault for being that dumb and naïve. I mean majority of this happened before I was 22, so I have to blame that ignorance on my youth. As a 27 year old, I am not that person anymore. But it doesn’t mean the luck has gotten better. I mean, I just met a guy and now he is dating someone I know. Also I met a guy a while back and just caught his ass in a lie. He is suppose to be a producer but he works at Walmart. Oh and the biggest one of the century, I hooked up Him with a crazy bitch. They actually dated for almost a year. Let me tell you….the conversations I had with God during that one….man. For me, my list is just a realistic reminder that it is what it is. I can’t do anything about half of the crap I go through with men. I can just sit back and continue to be the laughing source for me and my best friends because it really is the highlight of our lives. lol Once again I don’t know if that is funny or sad, but it is what it is. 🙂