Couples Dating and Living Together…yay or nay?

Shacking up. The legendary term coined by black grandmothers describing unwed couples who lived together. This was something that was looked down on and at one point, never happened. But this day, more than half of couples live together before entertaining the thought of marriage. Why was this such a taboo thing to do back then and why has it become the norm now?

For me, I believe that most older people believed in the tradition and idea of marriage. They believed in a woman being very docile and the man being very dominant, but respectful. They believed in the man and woman not kissing or having sexual interaction while dating. So if that is the case, living together is a definite no while dating. Flip it to today and it is the complete opposite. People are a lot freer with themselves and traditions have gone out the window. Most people when asked have at one point lived or had their significant other living with them.

I have dabbled with shacking with two of my boyfriends and honestly, it is something I would encourage any couple to do. But only when they have hit that serious stage. Living with your mate has a lot of benefits, such as double income, always having someone around when you need them, and getting to know that person’s quirks and learning how to adjust. A lot of problems that happen in marriage could be prevented if the couple just lived together and had the opportunity to learn how to work through it. Or leave if it’s something they can’t handle. Being married makes it a little harder to just leave, so many people stay unhappy for years.

Lately, my boyfriend and I have not been living together. It’s not by choice, but it’s been that way for about 6 months, off and on. When we first started dating, we always were in the same place, but now that I have had this break from living with him, it feels a little different. Dare I say…nice. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my man to death, but I understand why some people would prefer it. You have your own space when needed and you get the chance to miss your partner. That’s the best part. The excitement of finally being able to plan something and spend time with him. Every time, I am like a giddy teenager and it builds our bond. It brings the thrill of dating back and that is something that I am really starting to enjoy.

Now, even though I enjoy this new thrill…I still can’t wait until we are under the same roof. There are kids involved and things would just be a lot smoother. Each relationship is different, so naturally, do what works for yours. I would encourage anyone to at least try it both ways. Even if it is not a full move in…try two weeks out of the month, for a few months. See how you interact when you are in each other’s space for 24/7. You may find things that you cannot deal with or even things that you learn about yourself. Being in a relationship is all about growing and learning. Do what you have to do to get to the full potential. I mean, if you can’t stand to live with each other, how are you going to get married? Think of how relieved you would be if you lived with your boyfriend and discovered he was a neat freak or that your girlfriend was a hoarder. Wouldn’t you want the opportunity to know this and adjust before the final marriage stamp? To me, living together is like the final test before the huge final exam. If you can past that, you can get through anything. Oh…and if you’re abstaining from sex, living together can still take place. Godspeed to you though :).

 

I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!! What are your thoughts? Are you against shacking up? Have you ever lived with your partner? What was your experience? Would you do it again or would you wait with your next relationship?

 

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The Jig is Up

Remember when we were growing up and the main thing that everyone said was that once you get out of college your life is going to be amazing? As long as you did your best, studied, didn’t party(who listened to that?), and didn’t get pregnant, you would be on the fast track to your perfect life. Who the hell made up these lies??? Why weren’t we taught the truth in high school about real life and real problems? Guess what society…the jig is all the way up!

When I was younger, I always said that I would be married and have two kids by 24. I had other career goals, but this was really what I was focusing on as I prepared for life after high school. Because of this, I had two fast and shitty relationships and thus, my two sons were produced. I didn’t understand the concept of dating and living life without children early. This was nowhere in my vocabulary because this wasn’t the idea that was sold to me coming out of high school. We all see the movies of the college sweethearts struggling through college, getting married, and having a pretty good life. That was all I wanted and yet, that’s not at all what I got. I often wonder if I was shown a different type of idea or notion of living… if the end all wasn’t kids and a husband, where would I be right now? I was a young mother so I never got to partake in late night clubbing or random dates or the ability to just walk out of the house and go wherever I wanted. I envy that freedom that those who are childless have. I envy those who are able to fully figure out who they are instead of trying to figure it out at the same time as figuring out another different way to prepare chicken so your kids will actually eat it. That lack of being able to accomplish this makes me understand why there are so many unhappy people in the world. Yes, your kids are a blessing, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to be upset in the manner that it is affecting your life.

I feel like high school should really prepare people for the real world…the REAL WORLD! Not the made up one. Tell the truth. College is not a necessity in some(majority) careers. It’s just one of those things that people are used to doing right after high school. Don’t get me wrong. If you want to go to college, then by all means go…just don’t be surprised if you are 30+ not working in your field because of lack of experience. This is what I mean. They don’t tell you those things. After you graduate, they make it seem like life is going to be amazing and you’re going to be working in your field and making big bucks. WRONG(Charlie Murphy voice). It is simply not true. When I was 19-20, I always knew I would be rich by 30. I was going to be settled in my career and doing it big. I’m 29 and nowhere near that. Is it lack of hard work? No. It is the harsh reality of life. Shit happens. Instead of selling this preposterous dream, I wish that they would have equipped me with the truth and ways to handle/overcome it.

You wanna know the truth? The truth is you are not going to be where you want to be at the age of 30. It’s just not going to happen. You are going to find yourself inadequate in some form or fashion, whether it is career, self, relationships, living situation, etc. You are going to likely struggle to find work in your field and may have to end up working in a completely different field just to make ends meet, especially if you have children. You are not going to be in the best relationship of your life. Most are not even married at this age or working on their second one. It is not the end of the world. Explore life and your options. You may get lucky, you may not. It is okay. Now, some of these things may happen to others and some times it may not, the point is that majority of the time it doesn’t. You will not know it all by the time you are 30. You have to understand that life is really just beginning and you need to be okay with that. Don’t let the fake dream that they sell to you in high school determine your future and your outcome. Everyone’s journey is a different one. Learn how to walk your own and not compare it to anything else. Be smart, see the jig for what it is, find peace, and make it work for you. 🙂

Photo credits: http://www.brainlesstales.com

Reasons Why I May Be A Bad Girlfriend

So, I’ve been in a relationship for a few months now…yeah I know what you are saying. What? Relationship? But you hate love and all that jazz…we will discuss that on another post lol. But since I have been in this relationship I have realized something…I may be a bad girlfriend. Now, don’t get me wrong I’m an amazing person, once you get to know me, but the actual levels that you have to reach in a relationship just seem to be insurmountable. I will give you all a few examples and then you guys be the judge. Hopefully I won’t be single after this post. 🙂

1. Stuck on independent mode

Now, I had my oldest son when I was 20 and I have been on my own ever since. Even when I had my last relationship, I still was on my own in a sense. I have been figuring out how to pay the bills, make my dollars stretch, clean/cook/type/ (all at once) successfully in an hour…I have basically done it all by myself and mastered it. The problem with this is now I actually have someone who can help me with my load but my independent self won’t allow it. I will literally argue with them about how I can do it by myself or catch an attitude if they suggest otherwise. I am the woman who will have a child on one arm and a million grocery bags on the other and dare you to try to help me close the car door. I got this! But that’s not what a relationship is about. It is about helping each other out and willingly doing so. Not forcing someone to allow you to help them. My inability to switch from independent mode causes other issues as far as being able to actually trust someone with anything. To actually be able to say to him, “Yes, I need help with the kids” or “Yes, I would love for you to give me your suggestions on a post I need to write” and truly be comfortable with doing this is something I long for. I don’t want to be that independent girl when I clearly don’t need to be. This does not mean I want to rely on him for everything because, eww, no, but I do need to be able to show him that I trust him enough to let my guard down and that I actually want him.

2. Compromise

This ties into me being stuck in that independent mode. Compromise is one of those things I don’t do. I never saw the need for it because, once again, I’ve always been by myself. Kinda hard to compromise with yourself. But now that I am in a relationship, I see how important compromising is. My biggest issue with compromise is that I am used to seeing it done the wrong way. Most settle and that is a difference from compromising. I’ve had to come to that realization. Compromising does not mean you are giving up something and you are someone who is just ran over. When you compromise with someone, you are showing them that they are important enough to you for you to take their feelings and thoughts into consideration. You cannot be selfish in a relationship. Now, I don’t believe in compromising everything you believe in for the sake of keeping someone around because honestly, that person should not put you in that sort of predicament. Your partner should ask you to compromise with something that is reasonable and they know is not a stretch for you. You can’t come and ask me to compromise and give up weave when you know how I get down lol. But asking to compromise when it comes to where you live or how you will raise your children is something that has to be done when it comes to relationships. Remember, you are not the same person. They are coming with their own feelings and ideals and if you feel that they are important enough, then compromise should come naturally.

3. I’m not always right

This is a hard one too. You see, I’m the type that likes to be right about any and everything. I don’t do it in that annoying way where you are ready to fight that person. I actually didn’t realize I did this until I entered this relationship. My ways and views are mines, but they are not always correct. Allowing someone to have different ways of thinking than me and opening my eyes to new ways is not a bad thing. It is a part of the dating experience. Being able to say, “You’re right and I’m wrong,” is one of those things I don’t do. I will make up excuses after excuses until that person sees it my way. This. Does. Not. Work. In. A. Relationship! No one is always right, so I’m not sure why I feel like I am or have to be. I’m sure it’s some underlying reason that stems from my childhood, but for now we won’t go there. I know it’s wrong and fixing it is a must.

4. Attitude Adjustment

This is the last one and this is a huge one. This is the one that will have me back to my “I hate love” posts if I don’t correct it. My attitude can be the worst in the world and it can happen in the blink of an eye. (Blame the Gemini in me) I can be just fine and someone will come in a room, say the wrong word about the wrong subject, and I’m yelling and cussing at him and he’s looking at me like I’m crazy. This is the ultimate no. A real man is not going to sit there and take this type of abuse just because I’m upset with someone else. I mean, I wouldn’t even take it. This is one that I am not sure how to fix because it is an integral part of me. I’m sarcastic and nonchalant. I have mood swings, more like mood rollercoasters, and they can be triggered by any thing. I used to struggle with it at a younger age, but I am able to deal with it accordingly. But when I say I am able to deal with it, that is me dealing with it on my own. I’ve never had to deal with it in a relationship. I’ve never had to sit around with someone while I am having a depression episode and try to explain that I’m on the verge of tears simply because I have to get ready to go to back to work. Or explain to them that I am only raising my voice because that’s what happens when I am mad but I’m not actually arguing with them? How do I adjust that? How do I get out of that overly serious mood and get back to just sitting back and laughing about nonsense? My only answer, for now, has been constant communication. When I feel like I have said something out of the way, I immediately try to explain the situation. But I feel like that will soon grow tiresome and I will be back to boring Saturday evenings. 😦

So, those are my reasons as to why I could be a bad girlfriend. But the fact that I recognize these issues and am actively trying to fix them is reason why I AM NOT a bad girlfriend. See, most people would see these issues and shrug them off and that’s how the relationship becomes bad. Luckily, this is someone I actually care about and am willing to make these changes. You guys know me. I don’t change for anyone, but I guess this is different. I’ve always heard that when you are in a relationship, your mate should make you want to be a better person. It should not be a big fuss or something that they force you to do, but something that you come into on your own. You should find yourself wanting to do more in life so that you can provide more to the relationship. I never understood this until now. Ladies and even you few men out there that’s reading this, if you see signs that are leading you to the “bad mate” section, quickly regroup and come up with a game plan to get yourself back on track. Especially if you feel like they are worth it. A relationship is as amazing as you want to make it, but you have to do your part in making it so.

Football Season is Here!! Can You Get Chose?

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Okay, so ladies football season is finally here and for most of you, you could care less. All you know is this is the time of year where men expect you to sit down, shut up, and pass them a beer or two while the game is on. For fans like myself, I can definitely understand. No one wants to hear a million questions while their quarterback is being sacked because of their weak ass front line and their sudden amnesia of how to actually hold a linebacker(hope that didn’t go over some of y’all’s head). But for those women who understand the rules, you might actually have a chance to be chose. What is being chose? Well, duh, getting a man for the upcoming cold winter. We all know that it is close to that time. Bikini’s and booty shorts are being put up and that infamous cuddle weather is approaching. But ladies, you have to pass the ultimate test which is football season in order to be chose. Look, I don’t make the rules, I just know them. So, how to get chose? Let’s go.

1. Pick a team. This is very important because it shows that you at least have a slight knowledge of the sport. You don’t have to know who every tight end is or how many completed passes they have caught since they’ve been in the league, but you should at least have a team and know at least a few things about them. And not just their team colors, okay? Read up on their quarterback and at least two popular players on the team. Then begin to do nothing but represent them. This shows that you have some kind of loyalty and it can actually be fun when your team and your s/o’s team is playing against each other. Fake arguing is the best. But proceed with caution. No serious debates because remember all your facts are pretty much from Wikipedia.

2. Provide snacks. This is also very important. If your “soon to be boo” is coming over to watch the game, snacks are a must. And, no, not that healthy stuff. This is a man and this is football. He wants to fill his gut with everything greasy and drink his sorrows away with all types of beer. Can you imagine how crazy he will look at you if you brought him a cheese plate with carrots and grapes and a glass of wine? No, not that type of party ladies. What I normally would do is go with the essentials: wings, chips and dip, and beer. It’s that simple. Now, I know how much you wanna show off those culinary skills, but it is not the time once again ladies. Keep it simple.

3. Halftime Show. Now, this is something I learned via Twitter. When it is halftime, ladies it is your time. This is when you can actually grab his attention for about 15-20 minutes, depending on what is actually going on during halftime. If they are doing an exclusive interview, then nope you are out of luck. But if they are showing how all the players work in the community to plant flowers…this is it. During the half time, depending on the score you have one or two options. If his team is winning, he is on cloud 9. Put him higher by giving him a little action. Go as far as you are comfortable with. Trust he will be ready because his blood is pumping from his team winning. Now, if his team is losing, then you can do the same but play it up a little different. It is time to stroke his ego. Act like you are so sorry that his team is losing. “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” Y’all know how to do it. Once the second half is back on, he will be good and so will you.

4. Last, but definitely the most important. NO QUESTIONS!! Ladies, I understand that you want to make it seem like you are interested and want to know about every possession or play but during the game is not the right time to ask. Ask after the game is over or on a totally separate occasion. Do you know how psyched he would be if he was just over there(not watching the game) and you randomly asked him to explain the calls to you? He may actually change his FB status. But asking during the game, especially if it is a close or important game may get you cussed out. I have done it several times. Just sit back and make a mental note and act like you know what’s going on. If he gets upset, play it off. “Damn babe. That’s messed up.” If he knows you, he will know you have no idea why it’s messed up, but he will respect you for not asking a bunch of questions.

So ladies, that’s pretty much it. Just four little things that could possibly get you closer to a boo than you thought. Remember, football season is not a curse. It is actually something that you can use to your advantage. Be smart and get chose! Go Giants!!!!!! 🙂

Mr. Right

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Okay, so this is a random post. Or a request I might say by a certain person. He knows who he is. Now, the title of this fits this man so well. Mr. Right. Now, I’m not talking about the Mr. Right for me even though…*clears throat*…we won’t get into that. This guy is always right about everything. Seriously. He is the type of guy who will say I’m going to trip over a pickle in the middle of the street and dammit if I don’t trip over that pickle! Almost 8 years has gone by and his record is damn near flawless. Now, of course this post has to be more than an homage to his excellency. Ladies, having a Mr. Right in your corner is the best thing you could ever do. There is nothing like having a man around to give you the straight up truth. To tell you when you’re being stupid or even when you’re being a whore. A Mr. Right will not judge you but will always keep it real and give you the honest truth, no matter what. This is what women need. Yes, you have your girlfriends who might also tell the truth, but there is nothing like getting it from a male’s perspective. It will give you a totally different outlook on life. No matter how much I try to deny it, my Mr. Right is never wrong. It’s so bad, it’s to the point where he knows what I am going to do before I even do it. So to all the Mr. Right’s out there, especially mines, I send you much love. For keeping us in check and helping us to realize so much about ourselves. Without you, where would be? So continue to rack up on your points…one day we will catch up.