Depressed On The 1st

Today I woke up depressed…but isn’t it the New Year? Wasn’t some magical time bomb suppose to go off that instantly made 2019 my best year? Didn’t all that emotional shit get left behind at the stroke of midnight? Clearly, it did not.

Let me clarify this depression. While it isn’t the normal depression that I’m used to dealing with throughout my whole life…it still is a form that I’ve began to recognize. For the past month, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the arrival of my daughter. Is she overdue? Technically no…but when you’ve been in constant pain and the doctor mentions that you’re measuring further along and she is already very big…you get excited at the thought that she’s gonna be here sooner than you think. So I automatically go into preparation mode. I had to get everything ready for her imminent arrival. I had meal prep ideas, cleaned out my closet, everything was organized, I closed my business. I WAS READY!!! A whole ass month later…no baby. 🙄

This is when I began to notice the small signs of depression that many people ignore. I became a robot. I was literally doing the same thing every single day. Wake up, drop the boys off at school, go to work, pick them up from school, go back to work, come home, cook, watch Bobs Burgers, and go to sleep by 9. This was my routine. When the weekend came…I was lost. I didn’t know what to do nor did I want to do anything. I would literally just lay on the couch and see how much pain I could withstand before it was time for bed. For me, the pain meant she was still possibly coming. (Clear negative)

The week before Christmas, I magically could feel no pain. I was able to walk again. Finally!! She was coming. I Googled a bunch of herbs and foods to see how we could speed this along and went for it. It felt like it was working…she was going to be here soon…I COULD FEEL IT! I went to the doctor, knowing they were gonna tell me I was at least dilated. But again…more unanswered questions and just the same ole “lets see what the specialist says next week.” MORE WAITING!

For a person with anxiety, waiting is the worst thing that could ever be told to them. You literally want me to wait three days to see IF she can be induced? Why can’t we just get this over today? What am I suppose to do with my life until then?? So, I went home and did nothing. I slept. I didn’t engage with anyone. My mind didn’t think about anything but when will she come? I would wake up in the middle of the night wondering if my water broke, how would I react? This was consuming me.

The final straw was New Year’s Eve. I was prepared to sleep at 9 as usual. My kids were good. I put on some music to clear my head and laid down. And then my idiot neighbors commenced a 4 hour firework show in our backyard. I’ve been irritated before and normally just got over it, but this time I couldn’t. I started crying until it was somewhat over. I wondered why was I even crying over something so small and realized I just wanted to sleep and get to the next day. A day closer to her being born. I woke up the next morning, went to the bathroom, laid down figuring out how I would spend this day off and was shocked as tears rolled down my eyes. Wtf?? It’s a new year and I don’t think this is allowed. What was I crying for? I wanted my hair done but I knew I was going to be too exhausted and mentally drained to do it. I wanted to feel cute but I knew I would just end my day feeling pregnant again. Nothing was going to be accomplished today.

That’s what clicked. The only accomplishment I was focused on was delivering this baby. Nothing else mattered. For the past two months, this has been my only focus. I hadn’t been able to wrap my mind around anything else. This was a state of depression, but in a completely different form. And how was I going to combat it? I mean, I can’t just make her come out. It is a horrible waiting game so where do I go from here? Normally I would drink, smoke and start with a clear head. But that can’t be done. I could get out the house but the issue would still be looming and waiting for me when I walked back in the door.

So, the only thing I could think of was to write. 🤷🏾‍♀️ It’s always been my go to. Even if what I’m writing makes no sense. I’m getting the thoughts out of my head for the moment. It’s the one release that always works for me. I’m sure many will read this and not understand a thing I’m going through…and that’s fine. I never write for anyone but me. It is my therapy that I just happen to share with the world. That is the one thing I know will never change in this new year. Depression and anxiety will always be a part of me. No matter what. The biggest takeaway is that I recognize it and learn how to curb it so it is manageable. It never goes away. But it doesn’t have to be life consuming either.

And even if I’m pregnant for the rest of my life, medically impossible but mentally I feel it can happen 😂, I will have to just chalk it up. I can’t control everything. The anxiety will have to just deal. She’s in control and not me. C’est la vie. ❤️

S/N: STOP ASKING PREGNANT WOMEN IF THEY ARE STILL PREGNANT! Also…what kind of magical potion are these celebs taking because everyone has had their baby, but me 😩😂. ✌🏾

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A New Journey

I started this post writing about how I moved to California and had to move back to Atlanta 4 months later, but decided that wasn’t the story I wanted to tell. My real story has to do with the journey that moving back forced me to be on. When I moved to California, it was out of the blue. I moved because I wanted to change what was going on in my life. I thought if I had more people around me that were like me, had more opportunities to relax and just be in a different setting, I would magically be cured and start loving my life. That was quickly dismissed when I saw that the same bs was happening in California that was happening here. Granted, a lot of the bs was off of assumptions and lack of communication, but it was still happening. When I moved back, I felt like a failure. I had so much positive energy when I moved, but it slowly broke down and turned into negative energy. I felt just as worse than when I first left. I decided to channel this energy and figure out what was really going on. I realized that I knew absolutely nothing about myself. I didn’t know what I really liked. I didn’t know who I really was. This was why I was so easily dismissed by others. I mean, who is going to respect someone who has no presence?

I decided that it was time to find me…the real Jeanine. Not who others wanted me to be, but really who I was. So, how does one do this when they are jobless and stuck at home with their parents at 30? I’m glad you asked. There is no real answer to this. What worked for me was focusing on the good and focusing on the joys of learning more about myself. Did I have bad days? Yes. Did I have days where I wanted to just give up? Of course. Luckily, my support system, (my bf), helped to pull me through. I have never been a social person. I am an introvert to a fault. I barely talk to my own family, but having that one person to open up to helped me understand more about myself when I could no longer see myself. This is the major key into successfully completing a journey like this.

My journey is still going on. I honestly feel as if it will never end. I am learning more about simple things that I love. Hair styles, makeup, different practices in life…things that make me feel like myself. Instead of putting things off, I am challenging myself to take them head on. This post, for instance, is nowhere near perfect or what I wanted to write after taking such a hiatus, but it needed to be done. Writing has always been my thing and I sadly, started to let it slip away out of fear that I was not good enough or wrote like everyone else. But, hey, that’s what makes me different. I am Jeanine. No one else can be like me. At 30, I am no longer worried about fitting in. I am more worried about loving and living my life.

Dealing with depression all my life has made me realize that I really have a choice in how I want to live the rest of my life. I can mope around all day or I can actively try to make a change. And even when I try and things go wrong, it is not the end of the world. It is not an evil ploy by God to make every day harder. It is genuinely just life. Shit happens and happens often. The way you respond and react is the difference. This is the lesson that has taken me so long to learn. But I am optimistic that now I can finally learn this lesson and move on to my next journey.

“Lemonade”: A Deeper Look Into Beyoncé’s Ode to Black Women

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Photo source: http://leakedit.net/2016/04/beyonce-lemonade-the-prequel/

It has been a little over two days since Beyoncé, once again, released a masterpiece that has women, and apparently men, reaching for the nearest BeyHive application. The Queen brings us into her visual realm as she premieres her latest album, “Lemonade.” The mini-movie is full of vibrant colors, darkness, despair, anger, joy, carefreeness, and blackness. And when I say blackness…I mean full on African tribal, natural hair blackness.

Beyoncé, who gave us the heads up with “Formation,” produces what I like to call a “Black Girl Anthem,” with “Lemonade.” Even with the title, she shows how black women have been taking their troubles and the bs of the world and turning it into greatness. (Lemons into lemonade…) Now, at first glance, the songs and visuals had me wondering if my fave had secretly killed her husband for cheating and was confessing it to us all, but that theory didn’t just sit with me. She wouldn’t do all of this for just an album about cheating…it had to be more. The visuals, the spoken word, the imagery…nah…Bey was telling us something and we had to be able to look through the lines to fully see it.

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At first, I thought maybe I was reading too much into it. Maybe Beyoncé did just want to do an album about cheating and overcoming it. Maybe this was her “Ring the Alarm Pt. 2.” Maybe she wanted to seem more relatable to her older audience. I mean everyone isn’t rich and happily making love to their man everyday, right? *inserts sarcasm button* Maybe “Lemonade” was her therapy and way of healing from her father’s discretions and possible husband’s. Or…maybe this album had nothing to do with Jay at all. Maybe it is about the Black woman’s plight throughout the years dealing with Black men and society.

Beyoncé, a self-proclaimed feminist, has always been about empowering women and has now fully turned her attention to Black women. I know I may lose some of you, but get a cup of lemonade, add a little whiskey, and just ride this wave with me. Imagine that the woman on this album represents Black women, as a whole, and her cheating man represents Black men. In the beginning, Beyoncé is praying that she can hear him whispering and prays that he catches her listening. Black men often keep their problems to themselves, but as Black women we are always there, wanting to know what is wrong so that we can help. It is a way of showing that we care and want to support our men.

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Photo Source: https://www.bellanaija.com/2016/04/beyonces-visual-album-lemonade-is-just-as-awesome-as-we-expected/

Now shift into “Hold Up,” which is a visual gem. Beyoncé comes out of a building with water flowing everywhere and is in bright yellow. With a very mellow vibe, the song states, “Hold up…they don’t love you like I love you…can’t you see there’s no other man above you…what a wicked way to treat the girl that loves you.” Joyfully slinging a bat named “Hot Sauce,” Beyoncé is damaging anything in sight and she proclaims how much she loves her man more than anyone else. She also begins to spit a few bars, (thanks Jay), stating, “They used to hide from you, lie to you, but y’all know…we were made for each other, so I find you and hold you down.” This is pretty much Black women asking Black men, “Wyd???” We, Black women, love you in a way no one else does. We understand the daily struggles and were made for each other and yet, you turn your backs on us at times. You think that everyone else really loves you, when in fact they, (society), are just playing you. “What’s worse? Looking jealous or crazy…jealous or crazy? More like, being walked all over lately, walked all over lately…I’d rather be crazy.” Black women often get labeled as being jealous of white women or being just crazy for even thinking that Black men turn their backs on them. We are often thrown to the wolves by being projected as ratchet, hoes, sluts, etc. and treated like dirt by others. We don’t want to have to deal with the same from our men as well.

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Photo Source: http://www.cnn.com/2016/04/23/entertainment/beyonce-lemonade-hbo/

Now with “Don’t Hurt Yourself,” this is when the Black woman gets fed up. She’s over the bull and it’s quite evident. “Who the f*** do you think I is??” “Bad muthaf****…God complex…motivate yo ass…call me Malcolm X.” At this time, there is an excerpt of Malcolm X speaking about black women being the most disrespected and unprotected people in this world. It’s quite clear that Beyoncé’s message is a little bit more than just cheating on this song and video. Displays of beautiful black women of all ages are shown as Bey goes ham in a parking garage. She is heated! She is talking reckless, (“You can watch my fat ass twist boy…as I bounce to the next d*** boy.”) She wants him to feel her pain and frustration. As Black women, this is something that often happens when trying to explain why we feel unprotected by Black men at times. Some times, the anger just comes out because we are tired of talking and showing the obvious.

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Photo Source: http://www.goldderby.com/article/2016/beyonces-lemonade-song-sorry-controversy-who-is-becky-with-the-good-hair/

With arguments, come apologies and Black women are known for apologizing for things we haven’t done just to keep the peace. There is enough to deal with as Black people in the world, so we try to keep our homes as peaceful as we can; even though this can be more damaging. In her next song, “Sorry,” Beyoncé automatically makes it clear that she is not sorry boo. “Middle fingers up…put them hands high…wave it in his face…tell him boy bye.” “Me and my baby, we gon’ be all right…we gon’ live a good life.” Sometimes you have to let go of the “keeping this family together” when being mistreated wrong. Black families are identified for doing this, especially in older generations. Beyoncé is telling Black women that it is okay for us to not be sorry. No need to apologize. Everything will be okay. Now about the infamous quote, “He better call Becky with the good hair,” that really fired everyone up about possible cheating rumors. Becky, to me, is a white woman. Beyoncé, who is representing Black women, is telling her man, Black men, that if he wants to keep acting the way he is acting, then he can go on over to the other side. If you aren’t going to uplift and be there for Black women, join the others who denounce and degrade us.

Following me so far? Good. “6 Inch Heels,” is a “touch your toes” kind of song. Add The Weeknd and it is a perfect recipe for a pole dancing routine. After several minutes of my own twerk session, I finally tried to dissect this song. “She grinds from Monday to Friday, works from Friday to Sunday.” “She gon’ slang…too smart to crave material things…stacking her paper.” This is signifying how hard Black women work to keep things running smoothly. Black women will find a way out of no way to hold down their family. She doesn’t need a man to be there for her and she is going to work her ass off to make things happen. But as the song ends Beyonce sings, “You’ll always come back to me…come back…come back.” This is showing that, while the Black woman can adapt, be independent, and get her own…she still wants/needs her man to be there for her.

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Photo Source: http://www.that1960chick.com/2016/04/25/exclusive-the-3-times-beyonce-rocked-ankara-fashion-in-her-lemonade-visual-album/comment-page-1/

This transitions into the country treasure, “Daddy Lessons.” This is as southern as it gets. Beyoncé belts out a 2nd Amendment right anthem that will make country singers run for cover. “When trouble comes to your town…men like me come around.” “Take care of your mother…watch out for your sister…with his gun and his head held high, he told me not to cry…oh my daddy said shoot.” This is when Black women are getting back their strength. Protect what is yours, at whatever cost. It is very Black Panther and Malcom X-esque. “My daddy warned me about men like you…he said baby darling, he’s playing you.” Don’t let it look like society has accepted you…it is all a joke. Don’t fall for it and stay ready to fight.

“Love Drought” is when forgiveness comes in. Black women will always be there for Black men and this is the time where we put our pride aside and try to make it work. “You and me can move a mountain…you and me can calm a world down. You and me can make it rain now…you and me will stop this love drought.” Together, Black people can do miracles. We could really take over and be more than we are, but it takes both, the Black woman and the Black man, to make this happen. Unity and love is the answer. Beyoncé understands this and is understanding of her man, (Black men), trying his hardest to support and be there for her.

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Photo Source: http://www.stereogum.com/1873272/stream-beyonce-lemonade/mp3s/

“Sandcastles” is a beautiful song that is full of self-acknowledgment. Beyoncé, (Black women), has realized that she has now turned her back on her man, (Black men), and she is apologizing for it. She accepts the role that she has possibly played in him being hurt and feeling powerless and acknowledges that. “I made you cry when I walked away.” “And your heart is broken because I walked away…show me your scars and I won’t walk away. And I know I promised that I couldn’t stay…every promise don’t work out that way.” Transition into a quick “Forward.” “It’s time to listen…it’s time to fight…forward.” I think that is pretty self-explanatory.

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Photo Source: http://www.vibe.com/2016/04/beyonce-lemonade-hbo/

Now we are closing in. “Freedom.” “Freedom… freedom…I can’t move…freedom cut me loose. Freedom…freedom where are you? Cause I need freedom too.” Now that Beyoncé and her man, (Black women and Black men), are back on the same page, they can now come together and fight for what really matters. In the visual, you see young black women and mothers of Black boys/men that have been killed in police violence. This is a powerful moment. This shows that we have to pass the torch and break the cycle. We can teach our children and generations to come what they need to do to ensure they have their freedom because no one else is going to fight for it, but us. “I break chains all by myself…won’t let my freedom rot in hell. Hey…I’ma keep runnin’ cause a winner don’t quit on themselves.”

Proving that love conquers all, especially Black love, “All Night,” shows that after all the hurt and pain, Black women still love their Black men. They will take in all of their troubles as their own and uplift them, while the world turns their back on them. “We found the truth beneath your lies…true love never has to hide. I trade your broken wings for mine.” “So many people that I know they just tryna touch ya…kiss up and rub up and feel up…kiss up and rub up and feel up on you.” This shows that even when society tries to make a Black man feel like they love him, they are not really here for them. A Black woman knows this and truly will give him the love and support that he needs and deserves because she understands him. “They say true love is the greatest weapon to end the war caused by pain…but every diamond has imperfections.” Black women grasp that Black men are flawed, we all are, but we still love and honor them because it is what we are taught and it is a true form of love. We are all we have.

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Photo Source: http://www.justjared.com/photo-gallery/3638903/beyonce-lemonade-cameos-zendaya-serena-williams-04/

And lastly, “Formation.” Now that we have gone through the ups and down of the dynamic relationship between Black women and Black men, it is time to act. Beyoncé has pretty much given us the blue print to make this thing work and it is now time to get in line and act accordingly. As Black women, we have to be aligned with all to make everything else flow accordingly. We have to be ready to be supportive, ready to provide, ready to love…we have to be in formation for this war. We are the life-line and it starts with us. Uplift and support the Black woman because they/we are basically…everything!

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So, I know that may be a lot for some and they are wondering how in the hell did she come up with this? Maybe I actually think Beyoncé is a very woke individual and decided this was the time to use her celebrity for the right reason in a more vocal way? From her visuals to the spoken word that is used, this album is more than a “screw you for cheating on me” record. Beyoncé is older now. She has a beautiful Black daughter. She sees how this world really is and wants to be a part of the change. There is a bigger picture here. So, regardless if you want to take the songs and eternalize it with my rendition or eternalize it as a woman mad and hurt in a relationship, it is safe to say that Beyoncé has produced another amazing album, while uplifting and representing Black women in a beautiful way. And there will never be an argument or issue about that.

Top 5 of 2015

It’s that time. The good ole end of the year where I will read a million, “New year, new me” post before noon. You guys know the routine and you should know that I am always going against the grain. Screw the New Year and deep posts about what I’m going to do and change. (I’m probably not gonna do it anyway so why lie?) This year I wanted to focus on my favorites of 2015. Things that helped me to grow as a person, laugh, and just helped keep my sanity. Last year, I wrote a post on some of the top positive black representations in the media, https://iamjeaninenicole.com/2015/01/02/positive-black-representation-makes-waves-in-2014/, and this year I want to keep that trend going. So here we go…my Top 5 favorite’s of 2015.

5. The Wiz Remake

I will be the first to admit that I was very wary of this remake. I absolutely loved the original and didn’t want those memories tattered with horrible acting and singing. When I learned it was a remake of the actual Broadway play, I was a little more at ease. That night, I was so excited. I actually made my kids go to bed so that I could enjoy on my own without a million questions being asked. As soon as it started, I was in awe! (I discuss it more in full length here: https://iamjeaninenicole.com/2015/12/04/the-wiz-live-40-years-later-it-is-still-needed/) The reason that this was one of my faves is because it came at a time where it was needed. Our community needed to see something positive and uplifting. After what seems like 24/7, negativity against Blacks, it was nice to see us being US for a change. Us being funny, us singing, dancing, being beautiful and vibrant. It was a great change and I don’t mind saying I cried at the end.

4. Cooking Bae’s

So, you should know by now that I love to cook. I love exploring different flavors and jazzing up old boring recipes. This year God blessed me to somehow follow these two lovely ladies and I have fallen in love more and more, with each tweet. Angela Davis, @MissAngelaDavis, is a personal chef that reminds me of a soulful Ina Gartin. Like Ina, Angela cooks amazing hearty dishes that look absolutely stunning. I’ll admit that I was very intimidated looking at her pictures because it just seemed like it was something I couldn’t accomplish. But slowly, I became very intrigued with her flavor choices and even more intrigued with her as a person. She is very much a strong woman and a loving mother. In my head, she is that big sister that will kindly snatch someone in place while kneading biscuit dough. And anyone who can finally show me how to properly fry chicken is a fave to me.

(For more insight on Angela and her recipes, http://www.kitchenistadiaries.com/ and check out her E-book at http://www.blurb.com/user/store/kitchdiaries)

My second cooking bae is the sexy and hilarious Resha aka @kanYebreast. Now, I have always saw this lovely woman retweeted on my TL, but never thought anything of it. She was gorgeous and funny, so I figured that’s why so many people loved her. It wasn’t until Chef Roble, my other cooking bae, said he was working with her that I decided to check her out. LORD BLESS THE GODS FOR THIS!! This woman here is more than a chef. She is pure comedy in a bottle. I love her multi dimensional personality  and the fact that she gives zero fucks about what she says and who she says it to. When it comes to her cooking, she is hands down the best teacher. She doesn’t just tell you the stuff to buy and follow a recipe. She breaks down the science to why you are doing it and you remember that when preparing other meals. Simple things like turning the pan off when you cook eggs to drying your meat before searing it are life changers!

(For more with Resha and her cooking you can visit her website at http://carnaldish.com/ and follow her on Youtube at https://www.youtube.com/user/carnaldish)

3. Black Twitter

Yes, I said it. The infamous Black Twitter has definitely been my sanctuary of sanity and self care. It is the place where I go to be reminded that there are intelligent people in the world, and they are quite witty at that. Black Twitter is a place where people can instantly find receipts on someone faster than the FBI, a place where we come together and talk shit about the ignorant reality stars who claim to be musical geniuses, a places where phrases like, “Meet me in Temecula,” and “$200 dates” are common knowledge. You can go there and find comedy. You can find the ratchet.  You can find a bearded bae. You can find advice that you didn’t ask for. And most importantly, you can find comfort and solace. Black Twitter is home. It’s just that simple.

2. Unapologetically Black Attire

Among the tragedies against black lives in this year, there has been an uprising of ways to show your love of being black. From promoting more black businesses to showcasing black art, black pride is on the rise and it couldn’t make me happier. You ever just felt so proud of something that you wanted to shout it to anyone within range? Share it with every person you came into contact with? What better way than a t-shirt! They are bold, make a statement, and everyone will see it and understand exactly what you stand for. It’s that simple and I absolutely love it. Here are a few of my faves, including one of my own, that I think should be in everyone’s closet going into the next year. Many of us feel like we cannot do much to help when it comes to the injustices that are done, but that is far from the truth. Being Black and PROUD is more of a weapon than anything.

 

Here are the links for the shirts if you would like to purchase. Please beware of any FAKE copies and make sure you are buying the original. Support the creators.

“Boldly Black for the ’99 & 2000”- http://www.teespring.com/boldlyblack99

“I love my Blackness and Yours”- https://teespring.com/i-love-my-blackness-hoodie?tsref=search

“Black by Popular Demand”- http://www.hautegreekscouture.com/collections/urban-pitfalls

“Magical Black Girl”- https://teespring.com/magicalblackgirl?tsref=search

“Pure Black Nutritional Facts”- https://teespring.com/Black-Nutritional-Facts?tsref=search

“Because of Them We Can”- http://www.becauseofthemwecan.com/products/signature-t-shirt

1.  MJ Crying Face

Okay, because yall know I am goofy I had to end it this way. A lot of people don’t think this is still funny, but you cannot tell me that this damn face is not the most hilarious thing of 2015! Black Twitter will literally put this on anything and I am in tears. Seriously, they just had it on someone’s flat tire and I was doubled over. This notorious face has been on everything from losing sports teams logos to actually body parts. Anyone or thing taking an L this year has had this face superimposed on to them. There is no limit for this face and I honestly don’t see it staying in 2015…until we get another one of course. Here are a few of my faves. Enjoy!

So that is it! My Top 5 faves of 2015. I know 2016 will bring even more and I cannot wait to see what is in store! Enjoy your New Year’s Holiday!

Insatiable

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Here I am.

Legs shaking, heart racing.

Breathing erratic.

I look over and smile.

You shake your head…you know what I want.

I laugh to myself as I wait for you.

My thirst still needing to be quenched.

You see, this insatiable beast inside of me

is in need of more…

More of you.

More of us.

More.

The kisses, the biting, the earth shattering orgasms just don’t seem to cut it.

I need more.

 You leave me breathless.

With the inability to move.

Back hurting, shoulders sore…

but I still need more.

Waking neighbors, I yearn for that feeling.

Scratching and pulling,

slight gasping of air as your grasp becomes tighter…and tighter…

until I explode.

Insatiable beast and I still want more.

You say you love the challenge

and baby, you rise every time.

You rise, and I climb…you rise, and I climb…you rise…

and I reach the peak of sexual freedom that I have never felt.

And yet…I still want more.

Maybe, I will never be truly satisfied.

Never wanting the release of your tongue grazing my thighs.

Maybe, I will never be fulfilled wholly…

or is it just an indulgence turning into an addiction slowly?

Whatever it is, I appreciate your enthusiasm for me.

Your willingness to please…

your yearning to

continuously feed…

this insatiable beast.

-Jeanine Nicole C/O 12/13/2015

Photo source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C33ZN10UDGU