Why I Won’t Be Going to My High School Reunion

So, it’s finally that time. The moment has come. 10 years, yes I know 10, of being out of high school and it is reunion time. Before, I was the hyped one about this event. I couldn’t wait to get everyone together and reminisce about the good ole days and chat about upcoming ventures. Before, I was the one that was trying to convince my friends on going because it would be so much fun. That was before and this is now. Now, I won’t be going to my high school reunion.

Don’t get me wrong. I admire a lot of my classmates and I know the type of fun that we can have together, but mentally, I know this is not the right move for me. Recently I have caught myself resorting back to that 12 year old shy girl with low self esteem who tried to do any and everything to please people around her. That girl that would shrink whenever in a crowded room out of fear of judgment. That girl that would overly compliment other friends just so they could maybe throw a compliment my way as well. This is the girl I have worked so hard to get rid of, but I see her coming back. Whether it is a conversation between co-workers or a comment on Twitter, that 12 year old girl is coming back and I am not going to allow it. High School was a fun time for me. Nothing too crazy, but still fun. I had my table of friends, a guy I was crazy about, and pretty much no worries. But when I really think about it, I was always on the outside looking in. Never really a part of anything…just kind of around. I’ve noticed that more as I have become older because friendships have disintegrated out of thin air. Like, literally, people who I have been friends with for years have just disappeared, and like that 12 year old girl, I’ve blamed myself. Maybe I didn’t compliment them enough? Maybe I didn’t support them enough? Maybe I let too much of my personality outshine theirs? But seriously, why should any of that be a reason if I wasn’t so easily dispensable? I mean, I don’t get a lot of support but I’m still around. I don’t get many compliments and yet I still remain friends. But it is this thought process that is keeping me far from this event. This thought process is childish. Dumb. But, unfortunately, I’ve been placed there. Going back to that reunion is like going right back to high school. Going right back to that lunch room table. Going right back to that mindset. That is not where I want nor need to be.

My life is actually going well. For once. Yes, I’ve lost friends, but honestly, I am a 27 year old grown ass woman. Who cares who has left? Yes, I have memories and no, I really don’t know what caused any of this, but so what? It is what it is. My focus is not what I had 10 years ago, it’s what I will have 10 years from now. I’m no longer the shy girl trying to be seen. Hoping and wishing for that seat at the table; vying for a conversation or a laugh. I’m not her and I refuse to go back to her. So for those that are reading this that I did go to school with know that this is nothing against you. This is about me and my mental state. It’s time to let the past be the past and move on into the future. I can’t dwell on the “good ole days” because frankly, they weren’t all that. I can focus only on today and possibly tomorrow.

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“Our Deepest Fear” Complex

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So, I recently just got this tattoo of the “Our Deepest Fear” poem by Marianne Williamson and it is pretty much my life motto. As you know I have been writing since I was five and have wanted to do nothing but that since. So why am I 27 with two published books just sitting in the wings like nothing? Because of this exact poem. My deepest fear is not failing but actually succeeding. What? How can that be? What sense does that make? Let me break it down. I have been on my own since I was 19 and I became pregnant. Yes, I had the help of my mother but I was pretty much on my own doing my own thing. I was used to the hustle that life as a single mother brought. Selling food stamps and WIC just to pay the light bill was normal to me. Getting paid and having nothing but ten dollars left over to buy a little to drink was nothing new. I knew I was destined for more, but that terrified me. I used to always say, “Who am I to be out there on the red carpet rubbing elbows with celebrities?” “Who am I to have my own company and actually produce my own work?” Who am I to do these things? I’m no one. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to accomplish those things so why would I even try? Why would I want to be in the limelight and be in a new environment? I wasn’t used to success so I shrunk myself to fit in with the crowd.

So many people do this today and it really saddens me. I see that settling is the normal thing to do now and I always ask myself why? Why do people settle for bullshit when they know they deserve more? Is it the fear of being more? Is it because we don’t know to handle being better and being in a different place in life? Do we not have the right models around us to encourage us to reach our full potential? We have to change this way of thinking. This complex does nothing but hinder our growth and create a vicious cycle that effects our children. We don’t want our children looking at success fearfully. They should look at it with open arms. They should want to be successful. They should fear the opposite. I feel that many of our people teach our children to just get by. Get a good job and education and that’s it. But what about living your dreams? What about doing more than just the norm? We always shy away from those topics because they aren’t a guarantee. You can’t pay bills with a dream. But, my God, you can. If you really work toward that dream you can do so much with it. My hope is that we change this complex and change the mind of our children and have it where dreams rule the world. There is nothing like the fruition of a dream coming true. We have to get out of this mindset of shrinking ourselves because what we want is not what everyone else believes in. I had an ex tell me that I was stupid for dreaming the way that I did. I needed to get with the program and find a regular job and stop dreaming of writing and Hollywood. It wasn’t going to happen, is what he said. But, look at me now. Yes, I still have this complex, but my belief and curiosity keeps me going. Yes, I am fearful of being great because it brings a lot of unknown. But I’d rather get there and face those unknowns then. Being great and different is not a curse. It’s not you thinking you are better than everyone else. “Who does she think she is?” No! It is a blessing. Start treating it that way.

Happiness

This has to be something I will forever be chasing. Excuse this post and it’s rambling effect, but I am in a blogging challenge and I am trying my best to participate wholeheartedly. But right now, I am irritated as shit and I don’t even feel like writing, but I am going to do it anyway. Basically my hang up is that word up there: Happiness. What is your definition of happiness? Have you found it? Did you ever have it and it left? How were you able to get it back? And for those who have never successfully had it, how do you achieve it?

Let me start by defining my idea of happiness. It is basically being content with every aspect of your life. You are actually able to look around and be just fine with everything that you have accomplished and whatever or whoever you have in your life. You are content with your looks, content with your living arrangements, content with your career, content with your significant other, just content with everything. That is my ideal version of happiness. Using my definition, I have never experienced happiness a day in my life. Yes, you can be happy, but I am speaking of true happiness. Being able to say, “I love my life,” and truly mean it. I have never been happy with my weight, never been happy with where I live, never been happy with the bullshit jobs that I have to keep, and never been happy with any of my significant others, except once. I know no levels of happiness and I am 27! It frustrates the hell out of me because like with everything I blame myself for this.

You cannot expect happiness to just come out of nowhere and find you. That’s what they say. But sometimes, I think otherwise. People luck up and stumble upon happiness every day. Stumble upon an amazing job, stumble upon an amazing relationship. It happens every day to other people so I often wonder why does it not happen for me? It’s like I know exactly what I want in order to be happy. Lose weight, move to New York, become a successful writer, fall in love. See…sounds pretty simple right? But no, losing weight I struggle with, which I really can say is the one thing that is kind of my fault because I give up easily. Moving to New York, of course is hard because I am a single mother. If I could do like I want, I would move up there right now and send for my kids once I was settled, but who the hell does that? I’m not Draya, I’m actually a good mother. The writing thing is one of those up and down things for me. I have all the tools necessary to be where I need to be, but fear is always holding me back. I mean, I have a book that’s been out for almost two years and how many people that I know have actually bought a copy? That in its self is draining because I go hard for everyone else, but I never get the same in return. Seeing my writing not be supported by even the people I know is hard because it is the one thing that I know brings me true happiness and I don’t want to let that go. As far as falling in love, ehh. lol.

I know that happiness is out there for me, it just pisses me off that it is so damn hard for me to find. Like, can I just have happiness in one section of my life so that I know it is something that can happen? Do I have to continuously struggle with every single thing AND take it on by myself? *sighs* Anyways, once again. This is another rambling post. I just had to get those emotions out so I can see where to go from here.

Open Ended Letter

Have you ever just wanted to write an open ended letter to someone? Just get all those emotions and feelings out and rip it up? Well, this is that for me. But unlike an open ended letter…I know this letter will be seen because this particular person thrives on being involved in everything I do. So this letter is my therapy. My way of getting out every single thing I need to get out…without going to jail. 🙂 Hey, sometimes you have to keep it real with yourself. That advice of being the bigger person and just ignoring someone just does not work after a while. Sooo…..

Dear Sweetheart,

Let me start by saying, I have no ill will towards you. Even though you hate me for no obvious reason except the fact that we have one person in common. But I don’t understand the reason for all your hate. Your anger? Your constant obsession with me. Your continuous behavior of saying whatever you feel you need to say to tear me down without fully addressing me. Now, people who know me know that I can take it to a point of no return, but I am starting to see that you really are delusional. My main reason for writing this is to get everything off my chest and release it. I am human and when you say stupid, hurtful, tasteless things about me I am going to react. It’s that simple. But honestly, I feel very sorry for you. You are going through a hard time and you lashing out at me is just something that I guess is helping you feel better. And the fact that it makes you feel better to talk down about me when you are nowhere near better than me is just funny to me and it makes me feel even more sorry for you. Y’all know those people who run around screaming they love the Lord and they are this and that, but then curse you out two seconds later, and then finish up with “God’s not done with me yet?” Yeah, that’s you. You want to walk the right way…get yourself in order first. Being hateful towards me is doing nothing but pushing you further and further away from where you are trying to be. And the jealousy, like I’ve always said, is understandable but it’s not necessary. How are you jealous of someone but then try to say that they are beneath you? Hmmm….yeah I’m confused on that one. Point blank…I have no time for petty games. Nor petty behavior. As a request from someone dear to me, I have let you slip by several times, but it’s getting to that point where it’s just sad. You are sad sweetheart. I’m at that point where I just laugh and thank God that I am not like you. Poor little you. But anyways, I am over you and this situation. You did what you did and lost that person that was close to you….don’t get mad at me because I am still involved in their life. I can’t help that. You work on yourself and maybe you can find that again. Until then…get it together. Seriously.

🙂

Almost Doesn’t Count

I wrote this two years ago….funny how it is still relevant today.

This is dedicated to every “almost” I’ve had in my life.

Almost happy, almost thin, almost successful, almost loved, almost rich, almost broke, almost every word know to man. I have experienced the “almost” version of everything. Some days I let it roll off my shoulders and chalk it up to good writing material, but lately it’s starting to get to me. Almost is truly not good enough anymore. But for me, it seems like almost is always my end result. No matter how hard I try and how close I get, it always ends up being almost. Even down to the simplest thing. I almost was able to order some hair online, but couldn’t. I almost made a sell of 40 books in one day, but I didn’t. I almost got lucky with my fantasy co-worker but I didn’t. But one thing I try to remind myself of is that it will happen. Even if it’s not that moment, it will eventually happen. I just hate that I always have to go through these “almost” moments for it to finally happen. Why can’t it just happen? Why do I have to agonize and suffer? Yes, I know I am putting myself through the pain but I have to admit it angers me that I can’t do the simplest things. It always has to be an “almost” before it can just happen. Why can’t I just say I want this to happen and it does? As I sit here writing this, I try to search for something to help me perk up and move on but it gets harder and harder with each almost. Especially as they seem to become more and more frequent. The only thing I can do is breathe and hope that tomorrow doesn’t bring anymore “almost”s. I’d rather have nothing happen than almost something. I don’t know how to make this feeling go away. Normally writing brings me a sense of reality and calmness, but it’s not working this time. Wow, another almost. I almost felt better while writing but now I don’t. That is actually funny. Well, I’m not going to mope around about what almost could’ve happened. There’s a reason for everything and this is the only thing I can tell myself that’s reassuring. *sighs*

To my Mom

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Okay, it is Mother’s Day. You see that hot woman up there? That is my beautiful mother. She probably will kill me for putting that picture up, but it is one of my faves of her. She embodies everything that I want to be in this picture. Beautiful, classy, fun, vibrant. Normally, I would buy her a gift and a card to show my appreciation, but this year it didn’t work out that way. To be honest, I believe she will love this more. Since I can remember I have always been a writer and since I can remember, my mother has always been my best friend. She is the only one that has been there through everything and knows exactly what I am feeling, even if I don’t know it. I am her first, the oldest, so of course there was a time where we butted heads. Two years of disdain towards her because I was caught up in the “I know everything” stage of my life. Luckily, she was the type of woman who will let you continue to think you know something and not laugh in your face when it comes out that you know shit. (A trait I inherited as well). When I was younger, no one could tell me anything about my mother. She was the best woman in the world. She was loving, understanding, intelligent. And now that I am older and I see more of her in myself I realize that she is really a gem. My mother, at times, seems to very unappreciated in different aspects of her life. But as her daughter, I stay respectful and in my place and do not comment on these things. Instead, myself and my kids, always show our appreciation for her. I think of the people that I know that do not have a connection with their mother and I could not imagine this. I am 26 and I still need her around. Just last week I was in a horrible car accident. I was unharmed, miraculously, and in my mother’s true form she immediately began to pick up the pieces. I remember sitting in the ER waiting room, feeling like crap, and my mother simply placed her hand on my back. (Damn these thug tears) Anyways, she placed her hand on my back and I swear I felt at so much ease. Seriously, I felt like everything was alright. My breathing was better, my chest didn’t hurt. I could’ve went straight to sleep just from that simple touch. This is the connection that we have. I used to say that my mother was psychic because she knew things before I could even try to get them out. A depressing day of crying and being in the bed and my mother would call, out of the blue, just to check on me. But this is what a mother does. We have that “mommy sense” as they call it.

I wrote this because this is the only way I know how to get all of my feelings out and in the open. She knows that I love her, but I need her to realize how much I appreciate her. How much I appreciate her for making me the woman that I am today. Strong, intelligent, independent, funny, sarcastic, nonchalant. These attributes of my personality I get from her. As I look at a lot of young woman today, I thank God that I was raised by her. She has shown me so much. Shown me how to stand on my own two feet and that, yes, having a man around is nice, but is not necessary to live out your life’s plan. This is the biggest thing that I respect the most. Teaching me to be independent has been the thing that has gotten me through my life. Anyways, time to cut this short because her grandkids are losing their minds, as usual. I just want to say that I love you mom and you are sincerely appreciated. I may not have all the money for the gifts and trips that you deserve, but I am working my ass off to get towards it. Love you!

Temptation

Okay, let me first start by saying if you have not watched the Tyler Perry movie, “Temptation,” and you plan on seeing it, do not read this post. Now, for those who have seen it or don’t care, I had to write this after watching that movie. I was trying to wait since my site has been down and I have been rewriting my old posts, but I have to get this off my chest. This movie was not good in my opinion. The acting was fine, the storyline ehh, the ending abysmal. Let’s begin with the storyline. I can’t remember the characters names so we will use their real names. Jurnee and Lance have known each other since they were six years old and were crazy in love. They got married at 18 and had been together 7 years. Lance worked at a pharmacy and Jurnee worked at a matchmaker company. She meets Harvey(characters name) and they work on coming up with some dating program for his website. She starts to fall for him because he basically is showing her all the sexual attention that she does not get from Lance, who by the way is FINE!!!! Sorry. So she ends up having an affair with him while away on a business trip and when she comes back her Reverend mother can tell she’s different. Then she decides to stay with Harvey, uses drugs, he ends up beating her, Lance finds out from Brandy(who is running away from her crazy ex who happens to be Harvey) that Harvey has HIV, Lance rescues Jurnee, Lance kicks Harvey’s ass, Jurnee ends up with HIV and alone, and Lance has a new wife and son. *sighs* Hope you caught all that.

Now, my first problem with the movie is the fact that Tyler had to make Lance’s character extremely weak and boring. There is a part where Lance and Jurnee are walking to their car and a group of guys are checking her out and the guy calls her a bitch. Jurnee stands up for herself but Lance forces her in the car and doesn’t defend her, which she later expresses to him. Now, most guys would not have just let that slide and women do like to feel protected by their mate. But then Lance forgets her birthday. How over the top! I would have loved for Lance to just have been a regular guy who did the things that he normally does and not forgot birthday’s or didn’t defend her. You do not have to be an asshole for someone to fall out of love with you. Sometimes it just happens.

My second problem with the movie is the temptation part. Yes, I can admit that if you are in a boring marriage and a man comes around and is talking about the different ways he wants to make love to you, it can be quite tempting. But at what time did this man tempt her enough to where she decides to leave her husband and do drugs? I mean she just snorted the stuff like it was nothing! She did it with such ease that I actually thought I was tripping until she did it the second time. So not only is she feeling taken for granted in her marriage and having an affair, she is also a drug addict.

My third problem is the whole church aspect. I cannot stand when Tyler involves the church as the only way to solve a problem. If your shirt’s on fire, call on the Lord. If your leg is chopped off, call on the Lord. If a zombie bit you, call on the Lord. Like, really? Now, don’t get me wrong. I am a firm believer in God, but I also do not believe that just because Jurnee was not going to church every Sunday and calling her Reverend mom every morning for prayer makes her a bad person or made her have this affair. It had nothing to do with that. She had the affair because she was not happy in her relationship and was not used to anything new. This had nothing to do with God. There was no need for all the church extra and the woman praying in her house like the devil was in her daughter. Yes, she was going through something, but did anyone ever take the time to just talk to her? Maybe that would have solved a lot of things.

My last problem was the ending. I literally walked out on the end because I was so irritated. The movie ends with a much older Jurnee walking into the pharmacy that Lance owns and getting her medicine. Brandy hugs her(why was Brandy looking the exact same age and everyone else was looking old?) and she gets the medicine and Lance asks her if she has plans. She says I’m going to church. Then Lance’s new wife and son walk in, they wave at Jurnee like a stranger and that was that. WTF?? Why does her life have to be so bland because of her one mistake? I don’t care about them breaking up because she did cheat on him, but can’t she also have a fulfilling life? Is she doom to a life of looking like an old grandmother and being alone all because she didn’t stay “prayed up” and had an affair? This is not real life! Also at the end, Jurnee is talking to a client who is thinking about having an affair and after hearing her story the lady says she will end the affair and stay with her husband. Smh. That is not the answer. Yes, end the affair before it happens, but don’t decide to stay with your husband because you heard about the scary HIV story. You are still going to be miserable in the end.

Basically what I got out of this movie is who cares if you are miserable in your relationship. You stay in that relationship and stay in the church and if you don’t you will become a drug addict with HIV. I may be a little dramatic but that’s what happened in a nut shell. Tyler could’ve really did something with this movie to help people out. So many people are in relationships and they feel stuck. They love that person but it’s all they know. They don’t know what to do with those feelings that come about when someone else shows them something new and they fall for it. Instead of talking it out, they have an affair. You can’t scare people into not doing something. There should have been some communication that took place, some type of counseling. Hell, it’s called Confessions of a Marriage Counselor, but why didn’t she counsel herself? This movie just basically set us back relationship wise. Instead of opening up about those feelings, just bury them and stay miserable. Stay in a relationship that has you feeling like you are living with your roommate. Stay in a relationship where you are rolling your eyes every time they open their mouth. Stay in a relationship that is passionless. Yes, just stay in that relationship and stay in church because that’s the only way anything is going to get solved. Remember the Bible says, “Faith without works is dead.” So you can stay in the church all you want but if you don’t actively work towards something, it is pointless. And let me just say Kim Kardashian did an amazing job. She actually had me laughing in the movie. Kudos to her acting coach.