the night i committed suicide

standing there…tears falling as I stir the food. dinner has to be prepared before anything. i wipe my eyes as more tears fall. echos of several rounds of “mom” falter in the background. music plays in my head to drown out that nagging voice. the voice that is telling me no. i glance at the kitchen shears out of the corner of my eyes. the music begins to get louder. the voice is quieter. i keep myself busy as they eat. cleaning the dishes for the millionth time. sweeping the floor. picking up clothes that are only visible to me. breathing becomes shallow as arguing ensues. i have no strength to tell them to stop. i sit at my desk, writing a letter that never becomes finished. silence finally as they are finally sleep. i stare at them in their peaceful slumber. they will be happier in the morning. the voice begins to speak up. i begin to play back reminders of why this pain began. the voice is quiet. i go downstairs. into the bathroom. the kitchen shears have appeared once again. i stare at myself in the mirror wishing she was a stranger. but she is me. this broken shell of a woman is me. this woman who can’t get it right. this woman who repeatedly fails. this woman who wears a happy face but cries daily. this woman who has no one. she. is. me. the voice starts to come around. say what you want…this deed is done. they will be happier when their problem is gone. everyone. the release is jolting. the pressure disappears. expectations diminished. freedom with every gasping breath.

The Jig is Up

Remember when we were growing up and the main thing that everyone said was that once you get out of college your life is going to be amazing? As long as you did your best, studied, didn’t party(who listened to that?), and didn’t get pregnant, you would be on the fast track to your perfect life. Who the hell made up these lies??? Why weren’t we taught the truth in high school about real life and real problems? Guess what society…the jig is all the way up!

When I was younger, I always said that I would be married and have two kids by 24. I had other career goals, but this was really what I was focusing on as I prepared for life after high school. Because of this, I had two fast and shitty relationships and thus, my two sons were produced. I didn’t understand the concept of dating and living life without children early. This was nowhere in my vocabulary because this wasn’t the idea that was sold to me coming out of high school. We all see the movies of the college sweethearts struggling through college, getting married, and having a pretty good life. That was all I wanted and yet, that’s not at all what I got. I often wonder if I was shown a different type of idea or notion of living… if the end all wasn’t kids and a husband, where would I be right now? I was a young mother so I never got to partake in late night clubbing or random dates or the ability to just walk out of the house and go wherever I wanted. I envy that freedom that those who are childless have. I envy those who are able to fully figure out who they are instead of trying to figure it out at the same time as figuring out another different way to prepare chicken so your kids will actually eat it. That lack of being able to accomplish this makes me understand why there are so many unhappy people in the world. Yes, your kids are a blessing, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to be upset in the manner that it is affecting your life.

I feel like high school should really prepare people for the real world…the REAL WORLD! Not the made up one. Tell the truth. College is not a necessity in some(majority) careers. It’s just one of those things that people are used to doing right after high school. Don’t get me wrong. If you want to go to college, then by all means go…just don’t be surprised if you are 30+ not working in your field because of lack of experience. This is what I mean. They don’t tell you those things. After you graduate, they make it seem like life is going to be amazing and you’re going to be working in your field and making big bucks. WRONG(Charlie Murphy voice). It is simply not true. When I was 19-20, I always knew I would be rich by 30. I was going to be settled in my career and doing it big. I’m 29 and nowhere near that. Is it lack of hard work? No. It is the harsh reality of life. Shit happens. Instead of selling this preposterous dream, I wish that they would have equipped me with the truth and ways to handle/overcome it.

You wanna know the truth? The truth is you are not going to be where you want to be at the age of 30. It’s just not going to happen. You are going to find yourself inadequate in some form or fashion, whether it is career, self, relationships, living situation, etc. You are going to likely struggle to find work in your field and may have to end up working in a completely different field just to make ends meet, especially if you have children. You are not going to be in the best relationship of your life. Most are not even married at this age or working on their second one. It is not the end of the world. Explore life and your options. You may get lucky, you may not. It is okay. Now, some of these things may happen to others and some times it may not, the point is that majority of the time it doesn’t. You will not know it all by the time you are 30. You have to understand that life is really just beginning and you need to be okay with that. Don’t let the fake dream that they sell to you in high school determine your future and your outcome. Everyone’s journey is a different one. Learn how to walk your own and not compare it to anything else. Be smart, see the jig for what it is, find peace, and make it work for you. ūüôā

Photo credits: http://www.brainlesstales.com

The End

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“Today is the end, seriously the fucking end. One shot to the temple will finally be the end. End of…” (Because my handwriting is atrocious.)

Before I explain the beginning of what I was writing, I’ll give you a little brief history of how I got to that point. I had been stressing over finances for probably a good two months. Trying to figure out how I was going to pay this bill and that, while training for a new job (non paid training, mind you), and literally waking up to each day something being turned off and taking away the money that I was saving. Every time I thought I was okay, something else would come up. This particular week was my hardest. I had finally opened up and asked for help from “friends” and received nothing…not even phone calls. So, I did what I always do. Break down and pull myself back up. I woke up that morning convincing myself I was going to have a positive day. Yes, I had¬†something due that next day and had no idea how it was going to get taken care of. Yes, I was finally working but had no idea what I was doing and had several technical¬†issues. But these were things I couldn’t control. I was not going to let them defeat me that day. I was ready to have a¬†great day…until¬†I¬†sat down at my computer, preparing to clock in and realized my cable was off. That was it. Nothing could¬†stop the tears and onset of panic attacks. If¬†I didn’t work, I would get fired. If I got fired, I would lose my place. If I lost my place, I would be homeless again. Hence, my breakdown. I was done. There was no money saved up to take care of this situation. No money to get on the bus and try to reach my mother. No way I could contact her. I had nothing. So, I laid in the bed and did nothing.¬†Several conversations played around in my head.¬†Some voices cursed me out, others comforted me. Finally, one¬†said to end it all. This was the loudest. I grabbed a pen and paper and¬†began to write. As you can see, I didn’t finish because when I wrote the second line (which took a good 5 minutes to actually put on paper), my phone rang. Yes, my phone that was off rang. It was her…my mother.¬†The only one who could¬†get me back to where I needed to be. The only one who could reach me on a phone that had no service.

Now, let me state this and be very clear about it. I am a writer. I was writing, “The End,” to get my thoughts out. I would never do harm to myself. Let me say it again. I WOULD NEVER DO HARM TO MYSELF! Not that I haven’t thought about it because it’s a thought I have often, but¬†I am far too chicken to do anything. I will cry for days if someone playfully¬†punched¬†me in the arm, so harming myself has never been an¬†option. “The End” was basically me saying that¬† I was done. I was¬†done with everything. I was done with people. I was done with believing. I was done with trying. It was¬†the end of me trying to remain faithful and a believer. It was the end of me trying to do something¬†with my life. I was done in every aspect. My kids would be fine. They have my mother, who¬†they probably like more¬†because she has juice and candy lol. My lack of career would be fine because who really is buying my stuff anyway. What most would say are accomplishments,¬†3 books published and a production company, I say are failures because what¬†revenue are they bringing in? This is what I meant by “The End.” I normally am able to talk myself out of getting to that moment. I am always able to bring myself out of it and continue to fight on. But that voice was dead(hence the bullet to the temple line). But God understood that¬†voice was gone¬†and sent me another. The one voice that has always been there. Even¬†when I don’t want it, it’s there. That miracle brought me back. Yes,¬†I was still depressed and upset for that day, but I recognized the sign and was able to bounce back the next day.

My main reason for¬†writing this is not to tell someone how to feel. When it comes to mental health issues, that’s the worst thing you can do. I just want to let others¬†know that they are not alone. In the¬†“perfect” world of social media, it can be paralyzing to watch so many people seem so happy and successful. While majority, if not all,¬†of it is fake, it is still hard to find someone who can relate to what you are feeling. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE BLACK. Depression or¬†mental health issues and the Black community don’t mix.¬†It is one of those things we sweep under the rug until it blows up in our face. Writing for me is therapeutic and you never know who you are reaching¬†or what impact it has. That is why I am so¬†open about things in my life.¬†There has been times where I have been at my worst and think no one else feels how I feel and I’ll read something that shows otherwise. I just want people to know that they are not the only ones.¬†Giving up is not the answer, but I can understand why¬†someone would. I can understand and sympathize with that person for feeling¬†that way. No one can tell you to keep going. It is something you have to find within yourself, but I can tell you¬†that you are not the only one feeling this way.¬†Some times you have to step¬†away from social media and people in general and get a better grasp on reality.¬†And for those who have no faith or believe in God, I’m sure you will¬†come up with some scientific reason as to how my¬†mother was able to call me on that phone. But, for me, I know exactly what that was and who it was and that’s¬†all that matters to me.¬†We all have our “The End” moments, but it is¬†up to us to come out of it and know that even though you may end up there again, it is okay. You. Are. Not. Alone. It will be okay, even if it is not today. ¬†ūüôā

The Easter Challenge

Okay, so before you get excited, there is no real challenge. Per say. There won’t be a prize at the end and you racing to do ridiculous things. The title is actually a challenge between mind and spirit. My mind and spirit. It is one that I have been battling for quite some time and have just now developed an understanding to. It may come to a shock to some because you know how it goes when Black folks bring up any questions against religion, but eh. It won’t be the first time I have ruffled some feathers. ūüôā

My mother always had me in the church and involved. We weren’t there 24/7, but I knew God and Jesus as my savior since I could remember. I loved going to church and hearing my pastor preach. He fed so much life into me, at such a young age, and I attribute most of my sanity to his preaching. As I became older, 18, I didn’t go to church as much. And after my pastor died, I really didn’t want to period. We soon settled into another church with a pastor who was actually my youth minister at my previous church. I felt at home because he was an amazing preacher as well. But, I would find myself feeling a certain type of way when certain passages were read in the Bible. I often had questions but knew that it could go one or two ways. Either I would find out a truth that I would not be comfortable with or I would be looked at as different because I was challenging the word of God. So, I kept it to myself. Telling myself that I could enjoyed the sermon and take from it what was needed and move on. Years later, with kids, I¬† have been conflicted again. As my oldest is coming to the point where he wants to be baptized, I am questioning myself again. I have always vowed to allow my children to learn things on their on and never push my opinions on to them. This is with anything, food, clothing, and religion. But I also wondered if this was the right thing. As a parent, you are suppose to lead your child in the right direction. Was there a way that¬†I could introduce him to God without overly pushing¬†religion on him?

As stated before, I grew up in the church. If it wasn’t for my knowledge of Him and knowing that He could get me through anything, I would not be where I am today. It is my experience with God, my daily conversations, my knowing of his grace and mercy that allows me to believe in Him. This is what I want to instill into my children. I don’t necessarily want them to believe in man or an institution or a religion. I want them to believe in Him and Him only. But, as kids do…they have questions. It is hard to answer these questions without a bias opinion and this has been my biggest problem. I don’t want him to ask, “Why should I believe in Jesus?” and my answer is because I said so. I want him to come up with these answers on his own because everyone’s journey is different. What I believe in and what works for me may not be what works for him and his life.

Then, I am challenged with what do I fully believe in. I believe in God. I believe that He created everything and He has a plan and purpose for everyone’s life. I believe that He is the reason for any and everything that is happening and will happen to me. Here comes the conflict. I do not believe in the Bible. I actually never have. As a writer,¬†I can’t shake the thought of several creatives sitting around and writing an entertaining self help book. There are things in the Bible that I cannot agree with and therefore, I feel like I can’t believe in the full book. Can’t just pick and choose what you want to believe. So because of this,¬†I often question my belief in Jesus Christ. The only thing saying that he is possible is the Bible and I have already denounced believing in that, so therefore I should not believe in Jesus. See, that’s where it gets tricky. Because I believe in God with every fiber of my being, I can easily believe that Jesus is real. I can believe that it is possible that he died and rose. God is that powerful. He may not be real because of what is written in the Bible, but I do not deem it ridiculous if he was. Does that make sense?

So, with this Easter Challenge, I am challenging myself to be more open with my beliefs. Easter is a holiday dedicated to the resurrection of Jesus Christ. As someone who somewhat believes in this story, should I still fully celebrate it? Should I allow my children to celebrate it and educate them on what it means without putting my two cents in? I have decided to teach my children both ways. If they have questions, they will be answered wholeheartedly. I will give them my full and honest opinion and let them make their own decisions on what to believe. I will instill God in them and as they become older, they will choose their own paths. While it is still in the early stages of thinking, I am still praying and adjusting as I go. One thing that I have made¬†certain is that I will not participate in the Pagan part of this holiday. There will be no Easter baskets full of candy. There will be no Easter egg hunts. I have no clue what this has to do with Jesus’ resurrection and I refuse to play into it any longer. I want my sons to be fully educated and not just go with what society deems is correct. Society wants us to spend money for a holiday that is suppose to be solely based on something spiritual. Nope! Not anymore.

Being more open with my beliefs allows me to be closer to Him. I am seeing things more clearly and He is allowing this to happen. It is nothing better than being awakened, in your own mindset, and not being afraid to share it with others. With so many people and different religions, I have never been one to judge. I can only speak on my experiences with God and what He has done in my life. I can only do what is right for my life and my journey. This “challenge” is not so much a challenge, but an opportunity to realize who God is in my life and being okay with that.

Refocus

“You’re becoming the woman you’ve always despised. Please stop.”

This was the text message that he sent me. I was on the phone having, yet another, Dr. Phil session with my best friend. I think he was fed up with my foolishness and finally decided to let me have it. It was funny because as soon as I read those words something instantly clicked inside of me. I understood exactly what he meant. I had become that woman. That woman who complained about her guy every two seconds but constantly went back to him. That woman who allowed someone else to fully take over their emotions and control their mood. That woman who constantly let them back in and made excuses for their actions. That woman who contemplated being the other woman just for a moment of happiness. I was that woman. The woman I hated…laughed at…felt sorry for. I was her. This instantly made me realize that something had to change. But for it to change, I had to realize how I became that woman so that I would never become her again.

If you follow me on social media, you probably have seen the ups and downs that my ex and I have gone through. Finally, on my own, the unthinkable happened. I became pregnant. I was back in his grasp again. Even with him being totally against it, I was still connected, in some way to him and he was okay with that. I was still there for him, sexually and financially and most important, emotionally. We were there for each other. But, fate would happen and I had a miscarriage. As hurt as I was, and still am, I saw this as a new lease on life. I was ready to get back out there and live again. But, it was hard. I mean, I loved this man and he was one of my closest friends. He was one of those people that I hated but when he came around we always had an amazing time. It was something I wasn’t ready to give up. When my friend gave me the advice he gave me, it made me look at our situation in a different light. I don’t have to give up my friendship with him. We can still hang out and be there for each other, BUT I needed to stop with the dependency. I have never…NEVER NEVER NEVER…. been a dependent woman. I had my own place at 18, single mother at 20…I have never needed a man for anything, except one thing, and that was it. I was the type to have my fun and live my life. Never dependent on a man to give me happiness and fulfillment. My friend saw the opposite happening and this is why he said what he said. I was completely losing myself.

With that being said, there is nothing like liberation. Liberation is the act of setting someone free from imprisonment, slavery, or oppression. This feeling is amplified when you liberate yourself. When you free yourself from all the bullshit and the lies. When you are able to look at yourself and be completely honest. Yes, you were that woman…that stupid, dumb ass, woman. Yes, you were in love…that’s okay, but you cannot be her right now. You cannot have that life right now. You cannot have the relationship and the additional kids and the “Suzy Homemaker” lifestyle. It’s okay. It’s not time for that. It is time to live! It is time to get to know other people and go places and explore this world. I used to harp on the friendships that I have lost over the years, but then I realized that God is just making space for new people. Doesn’t mean those friends were not important to me at the time, but they are not important or necessary¬†for this new process of¬†my life. AND THAT IS OKAY. Too often do we equate moving on to never caring. It is not true. I can move on from my ex and that does not mean that those feelings were not real. It means that I am recognizing that there is nothing there, I deserve better, and I am moving on. Staying stagnant is pretty much death in my eyes because you are not living life. You are just there…taking up space. Staying stagnant will kill you. I was not put here for that. I will be 30 in two years…please someone call the old folks home and set me up a room. I refuse to be in this same place at that age. I know others always say your 30s are when you start coming into your career…no fuck that(excuse the harshness)! I have known what I wanted to do since the age of 5…5!!! There is no excuse for me not being exactly where I want to be by that age. The problem is focusing on the wrong things. Focusing on the life that I keep trying to give myself that is not for me. My life was never meant to be mediocre. I refuse to turn into that woman again and try to make it. I am liberating myself of that mental state. I vow to only live in the moment. To only live for what’s right in front of me. To only focus on my life, my family, my career. This is what I will put my energy into. The extra will come and go, but it will not dictate my happiness and my focus. It is time to stop giving yourself to everyone else and give yourself to you. You are the only one who is living your life. No one else. Do what brings you joy and prosperity and say FUCK YOU to everyone else that brings otherwise. At the end of the day, your life is your own. Make it what YOU want.

Getting Back

Here we go again. I know what you’re gonna say. Oh, she must be back because she’s not happy anymore and that’s the only time she writes. WELP! You guys know me well. But it wasn’t intentional. I didn’t quit writing all together, but I did neglect the blog. But, hey what was I going to write about? The joys of being in a relationship. Uh, I don’t do sappy posts lol. But, yes, I am back. And yes, it’s what you think it is. Moving on. This is just a free post. I miss writing on here. I miss having emotions that aren’t involving someone else. I miss being me! Does this mean I am destined to be here for the rest of my life? Ehh. It is what it is. If it means losing a passion then I will take being alone. I am an emotional writer. My best work comes from pain. I can’t be one of those happy writers and I believe this is what God is showing me. He showed me I could be happy, but it means losing a lot and I am not willing to lose any of it. It’s not worth me deteriorating while others are flourishing. Like I have always said, love is not for everyone. It is what it is. BUT….let’s discuss the happiness I do have because I have started a new book! “Taken, But Single” is basically about two women who are in relationships where to the outside world they are in relationships, but mentally and emotionally they are alone. They are basically in “show” relationships and those are no fun. Believe me. Anyways…I can’t wait to share it with you guys and I can’t wait to get back on here and be the funny, nonchalant, cold hearted chick that you have all grown to love. ūüôā