IT TAKES SO MUCH STRENGTH AND BREVITY TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER

owittij'sthoughts

She wakes up as early as 5:30am and heads to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for her husband, as he takes a bath, she removes a suit for the day, irons his shirt and places it on the bed. Thirty minutes later, he goes downstairs, puts on his shoes and picks his car keys…

“Aren’t you taking breakfast? I have prepared your favorite fresh mango juice with Spanish eggs,” she says.

“ I’ll have breakfast in the office, take care of Natasha and the house, “he replies as he walks out of the door to his car.

Tears roll down her cheeks as she is left wondering why he no longer eats the breakfast she takes her time to prepare, why he no longer bids her goodbye in a loving manner.

She removes the untouched breakfast from the dining table to the kitchen. Quickly she starts doing house chores before…

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Single Moms Are…

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So as I was googling some things for a homework assignment, I came across this search result on Google. The irony was I was actually doing a positive reinforcement image and decided to do one about single mothers and insert positive words on my PowerPoint slide. To my shock, this is what automatically popped up before I could finish typing into the search engine. I could not believe that there was this long list of horrible and very wrong descriptions of single mothers. I began to wonder why did single mothers get such a bad rep? Why were there so many hateful qualifiers being associated with such an amazing person? We’ve seen the memes that poke fun at single mothers being thots and always looking for fun, staying out late, and being with every Tom, Dick, and Jamal, but why, or rather, where did these thoughts originate?

When I think of single mothers, I think of the strongest creatures on this earth. They are the only people that I can think of that truly have to do EVERYTHING on their own. They have to sacrifice every ounce of mental, physical, and emotional well being on a daily basis. There is not a moment where a single mother can throw her hands in the air and say, “I’m done.” This is just not a doable option in this type of situation. When it comes to finances, single mothers are not able to say, “Shiiiiiitttt, I ain’t got it bruh,” when their child is in need of something. When they are sick, there are no sick days in parenting, so life has to continue. Food still has to be cooked. House still has to be cleaned. Clothes still need to be sorted, washed, dried, folded, and put away. (I hate you, you evil despicable laundry). Homework has to be checked. Baths given. You get my drift. AND THIS IS EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! Add in work, school, and any attempt at a social/dating life and it’s a wonder that single mothers are not given a mandatory prescription for Xanax.

We do all of this with ease as if it was in our DNA. There are single mothers who have been doing it for their child’s whole lives and their children are extremely successful as are they. There are single mothers who juggle it all so well despite the hardships that they come by on a daily basis. No one looks at this. When you have a two parent home, it is so much easier to do the simplest things. You have someone there to help out when you need it. This is not available to a single mother. Regardless of how you may feel that day, you have to be on at all times because you are parenting and providing for another life. You want this person to be a successful and productive citizen, so failure is not an option for you. I never understand how someone can look down on someone who has to endure all of this and continues to push on. How about some encouragement? Some love and kindness, because I am sure no one is telling them how great of a job they are doing. No one is uplifting them and letting them know that they are appreciated. Instead, we are torn down because of a decision that the other irresponsible party has made. We are made fun of because we decided to stick it out and parent our children.

My number one goal is to always uplift anyone in any way that I can. Single mothers are a sore spot for me because I am living that life. No one knows how hard this is and despite what so many people think, we don’t choose this life at all. We don’t enter relationships with knowledge that our partner will be a deadbeat and leave. We don’t sleep with men hoping to cash out on that $72.47 a month child support check. We are not easy. We are not selfish. We are not disgusting. We are not hateful. We are AMAZING. We are BEAUTIFUL. We are INTELLIGENT. We are CEOS. We are TALENTED. We are simply the shit. If you know a single mother, tell her how proud you are of her. Tell her she is great. Uplift these women because they are raising the kids of the future. We pour so much of ourselves into these little beings with no expectation of anything in return. Be that support system and inspire them because it is much needed. To my single mothers, if no one else tells you(and even if they do tell you) I love you. I am amazed at your strength. Your resilience allows me to continue on. You are not alone. You are appreciated.

A Single Mother’s Thoughts

It is officially almost 2:00 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I am officially tired of it all. I know you are thinking…well if you are tired then you should be able to sleep. No…not really. I am tired of the bs that the other parent puts out there. My oldest son’s father has recently entered the picture again and he has been nothing but a text messaging parent. Whenever there is an event or anything…we receive text messages. Whenever my son wants to see him…we receive text messages on how he can’t make it happen at the time. Sooo…yesterday was his father’s birthday and we know how we are for our birthday… we take the day off, we have special shit planned, we got out for this specific day. Why was there no type of contact for my son? Why was there no mention of trying to see him, especially since he is out of school on this day as well? Am I tripping or is he just really in that comfortable stage of not doing shit?

I try my hardest to not be THAT baby mama. I barely get child support…we never see him…I am stuck with all the responsibility and yet I keep my mouth close. Something that is very hard to do right now. You see, I am at a breaking point. I am waking up feeling no longer like myself. Like I don’t even want to be a part of this world and yet, here I am. I do not have the option of saying, “I cannot do it,” when it comes to my kids. I don’t have the luxury of saying, “I am busy,” or “I am tired.” This doesn’t work on my end. While I am forced to live out my consequences of bad decisions and also try to learn about myself, I am stuck in a horrible place. I am 29 and just learning the best parts of me and yet, I have never been so unhappy in my entire life. I feel like it is being shut out because of my everyday responsibilities while the other half is just able to text in “have a good night” and live their life. I often feel bad because of my jealousy, but do I not have that right? Should I not be upset because I am taking on the full responsibility of someone who is half of me? I would always beat myself up because I would often wish that I had my kids later. But is that not a normal response to a young adult? I literally cannot even go out to grab dinner or a drink with someone because of my responsibilities. I am losing myself in this all and when I look for support, I get nothing. “Well, you shouldn’t have had kids so young.” “You should’ve thought about that then.” So, I am to be punished for my whole life for a simple error that I made when I was young? Forget the absentee parent. They can do whatever the fuck they want…but we are going to continue to make the parent who is actually involved in the child’s life…the one that is there at every second of the day suffer? No, there will be no nights off…there will be no social times with others…you will suffer abundantly…while the absentee parent lives their life carefree. Why is this?

I love my kids…more than I love myself because honestly, I am over this world and would love to be rid of it. But, I am tired. I am tired of holding this burden on my own. Tired of realizing my own dreams and having to pushing them to the side to make room for theirs. Tired of working stupid ass jobs just to keep the lights on when I want to see what lays ahead for my own career. Tired of being the only one who answers the call. Tired of being the one who wakes up, gets them dressed, off to school, then off to work, picks them up, cooks dinner, checks homework, goes back to work, finishes her own homework, and passes out before 10:00pm. What life is this? I AM FUCKING TIRED! But what choice do I have? I can’t do anything but write a sad blog about these issues, cry, drink, and suck it up. Oh and let’s not even talk about the one thing I could do to sort of have a release, drinking, has me totally turned off. I literally turn my nose up at a drink now so there goes that outlet. This is the life I choose and it is what it is. Is it fair? Fuck no…but no one else sees it as that. I can do nothing, but pray for some happiness and solace when I wake up because as a single mother…my head and my thoughts are the worst place to be.

Why I Believe Devon Still Should Not Be Paying Child Support

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We all know the beautiful story of NFL player Devon Still and his daughter Leah. Leah, who has been fighting cancer, and her dad, who was cut from the Bengals because he was constantly with his daughter and not at football camp, but was later reinstated so that he would be able to keep his salary and his daughter would be insured, have been the talk of the NFL for months now. Well, now it seems that the mother of his child and ex, Channing Smythe, has hired lawyer, Gloria Allred, to take the case of him not paying child support. He is apparently 4 months behind and has said he will not pay her anything until they have their day in court. Now, those are the facts. Here is my opinion. Devon Still is, obviously, an amazing father. Channing does not even dispute this. He goes back and forth from Cincinnati to Delaware, where she lives, to see his daughter weekly. He is there for her at majority, if not all, of her hospital visits and surgeries. He has brought awareness and raised millions for pediatric cancer groups. WHY ARE YOU BEING SO PETTY???? This is coming from a single mother who has her kid’s fathers on child support. I vowed I would never put my kid’s fathers on child support if they were actively in their lives and making some type of financial effort. This man lost his job because he cared more about his daughter than his career. He was reinstated and her medical bills are covered. Let me say that again for the ones in the back. HER MEDICAL BILLS ARE COVERED!!!!!!!!!!!! What more do you need?

I am going to take it there and I could care less what anyone says or thinks. This woman is being petty and lazy. Yes, you are not able to work a normal job because your daughter needs full care. How about a work from home job? Hire a nurse to help you and work from home in the middle of the night while Leah is sleep. It’s not impossible. I am doing it in a room…A ROOM…with my two children. Just because you cannot get out and work a normal 9-5 does not mean you cannot bring income into your household to take care of your child. Channing continues to say that she has to go on food stamps to provide food for her child. And? If that is what you have to do, then that is what you have to do. This is the role of a parent. You sacrifice for your children. It is life. You don’t want it to be this way then YOU make it better. If you are unable to take care of this child the way that you claim you cannot then give him custody until you get back on your feet. Why has that not been brought up?

The issue that I am having is that I see it as Channing being a little bitter because Devon is engaged to a new woman and supposedly Channing is pregnant by a man who is not around in her life. -_- We as women have all been there and been hit by the bitter bug. Where you wanted to drag your ex through the mud no matter what! You cannot do this when a man is actually involved in your child’s life and is legitimately helping her. Yes, I know love does not pay the bills but dammit her medical bills are being covered and honestly, that is all I would care about. Do you know how many women are out here taking care of hospital bound children alone…on their own…no help financially…and they are still making it! Sometimes you have to stop with the damn pity party and look at yourself in the mirror. Do you know how lucky she is to have her child’s father in his daughter’s life? Willing to lose it all for her? And you are ready to get him fired over child support??? If he loses his job, who is going to pay those medical bills then?

This is not to say that child support is not important, because it is. But there are various ways to give child support. I do not believe in dumping everything on the man…especially doing it just because he makes a lot of money. Would Channing be doing this if Devon worked at McDonalds? Is this really about child support or is it about parent support? Because Leah is obviously being supported by her father, so who is this money really for? I would have more respect for Channing if she did this off the records and not in the media. Especially with the way the NFL is targeting African American players with any issue that comes along. If Devon gets negative attention, he will lose his job and who will suffer the most in the end? Leah. She is all that matters in this. The smile that comes across her face when she sees that man is worth more than any check should be. It’s sad that Channing doesn’t see this. It’s sad that a lot of these women don’t see this. Looking from my eyes, I would gladly give up my child support that I barely get for my boys to have a real connection with their father. To not have to go through bullshit every time you see them. For them to genuinely love their child. Channing you are truly misguided and I pray that you think about your daughter in this situation and not yourself.

Photo courtesy of http://www.wpco.com

Daddyless Daughter

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Let me start by saying this post is a long time coming. I have had this post in my heart for almost a year now but never knew how to quite get it out. Then the queen of the universe, Oprah Winfrey, had a show entitled “Daddyless Daughters” and I thought to myself, I am not the only one who has thought about this. No, I did not watch the show. (I am actually going to make myself watch it tonight.) I did not watch the show because I knew what they were talking about and frankly I didn’t have time to stir up old emotions. I had my own stuff to deal wit. Kids, job issues, self motivation issues, relationship issues…thinking about being a daddyless daughter was not something I was trying to add to my list. But, finally, in lieu of my issues I am ready to tackle this one. I am no longer worried about who reads this and what they think because frankly I could give two shits. When you get to a certain age, people’s thoughts and perception start to slowly mean less and less. Those who matter already know my issues so what anyone else thinks or comments is irrelevant.

Let me start by saying my real father lives in San Diego. Him and my mom divorced when I was five and she moved to Atlanta. My relationship with him is very non existent. Honestly, I don’t know a thing about him except he drinks. That’s where I get that from. I have never had a connection with him, nor have I ever wanted to. It’s funny how you think you are over something, even as an adult, until you are faced with that something. A few months back my father contacted my sister in California trying to contact me. This shocked me because at 27 I have seen my father a good five times, if that, and have spoken to him a good three. What was he contacting me for? Maybe he had a change of heart and actually wanted to get to know his daughter. I mean, I’m a published author now, so I have some interesting things going on. Maybe he wants to know about his grandchildren. Maybe he wants to visit or fly us out. These are all the things that went through my head as I waited for his call. But lo and behold, he wanted none of these things. He wanted my mom to stop child support so he could pursue something. I remember being on the phone with him and he faked interest and started asking me questions. I felt like I was on the phone with a complete stranger. “So, how are you?” “Fine.” “Hmm.” Silence. “Your mom told me you wrote a book.” “Yeah. I have two.” “Hmm.” More silence. “Well, where can I get it?” “I have a website that you can purchase them on.” “Hmm. What’s the website?” www.iamje- ” “Why don’t you just email it to me?” -_- Did he just interrupt me?? Yeah, that’s how it went. A conversation with my father. The man who helped give me life. The man who is suppose to be the one male I can depend on. The one that I can run to when I have problems. The one who tells me over and over again that I am the prettiest girl in the world. The one that I want my husband to be like. That was my father on the phone. Who knew nothing and did not care to know anything about his little girl.

Now, like I said before I never really talked to my father, so he was pretty non-existent in my eyes. My mother remarried when I was about 8 and I had my dad around. Growing up, I remember my dad being funny and goofy. But I was a real mama’s girl so I didn’t even pay him that much attention. As I got older, I began to notice the withdrawal, especially after they began to have kids of their own. High school, I honestly could not stand being there. The yelling, the attitude, the disregard for others feelings. People wonder why I hate cartoons like Spiderman, Batman, etc. Well, try watching TV in the living room and having your dad snatch the remote from the couch and turn the channel and his only response is “when you pay the bills then you can watch what you want to.” Yeah, I hated anything he came into contact with. People wonder why I am so independent and absolutely refuse help. Seriously, this guy offered to open my door and I cussed him out about it because I didn’t need his help. But you have to understand where I am coming from. Going over your parents house with your kids, at night, and having absolutely no, NONE, help from your dad to get the kids back in the car and any additional bags I may have left with. Or being dropped off from the grocery store and not getting any help to take the groceries inside. This was and is my life. Why would I let a man help me when my dad doesn’t even do it? Why should I deserve this type of common courtesy treatment? Why would I believe anything that comes out of a man’s mouth? My own dad doesn’t speak to me. So what makes what is coming out of your mouth special? See, this is my mindset and it didn’t take until today for me to be fully over it. Hence, the reason why I am writing this post. I am over being afraid of what someone might say. I am over being cautious of other’s feelings when I’m hurting here and no one knows. I am over it.

Being a daddyless daughter has hindered me more because I actually have two dads! But the rejection from not just one, but two, is worse. It keeps me thinking something must be wrong with me because damn neither one of them gives a damn about you. Neither one of them tells you you are beautiful. Neither one of them tells you you are wonderful. Neither one of them tells you that you are a good mother. That you are a hard worker. That you are worthy of love. That you can do anything in this world. That they love you. I wrote this post so that people can realize the affects that they have on their children. Those babies aren’t just playing and living life without taking mental notes of everything that you are doing. You are affecting them. This has affected me still and I am 27. I cannot properly love someone else because of this. Do you really want that for your children? Do you want your issues affecting their ability to do something in their lives? Parents you have to wake up and realize that it is just not you anymore. You are affecting everyone around you and could possibly continue a horrible cycle. Love your kids more. Spend time with them. Tell them how wonderful they are even if they are getting on your last nerves. If they can’t come to you and receive praise, why would they expect it from others? As far as me and this issue, I have written about it and thus the healing has began. I have also poured a huge glass of wine. 😉

Photo credit: www.theopenedbox.com

Weekend Dads AKA Deadbeats

A few weeks ago there was an interesting discussion on Twitter about men who only get their kids on the weekends. One guy argued that he was the best father in the world even though he only gets his son on the weekends. He then went on to say that he doesn’t think it is fair that his baby mama gets to collect child support and live off of him while he is in his child’s life. There were a few comments that were said back to him that got me to wondering. Why do “weekend dads” think they are God’s gift to their baby mama’s? Yes, we are grateful that you are spending time with your child, but please do not act like we should be running out to get you a “Number 1 dad” mug. Let me break it down so you can see why “weekend dads” are really the new term for deadbeats.

1. You only get them on the weekend. How does this make you an amazing parent? In my case, I have to work a fulltime job, come home and cook and clean, plus take my son to therapy every week. What do you do? You watch him run around and play for two days straight. Big whoop! If you are only involved in your kids lives Friday evening till Sunday morning, you are a deadbeat. There is no reason why you should not be participating in weekly activities or even calling to talk to your child. The guy on Twitter said that his baby mama only wanted him to see the kids on the weekend so she can go out and party with his child support. Now, I will get to the child support in my next point, but let’s address that first part. She is letting you keep the kids on the weekend so she can go out and party? Really? Did it ever occur to you that maybe she needs a break from her busy week of taking care of your child alone? Even if she is out partying, this is well deserved as seeing that Mon-Friday, you might as well not even have a child. You can come and go as you please, while she can’t even go to the grocery store without having to go through an ordeal. This is the one thing I hate that men do. They act like it is okay for them to go without responsibility all week, but when it comes to the weekend she’s a bad mom because she wants two days off. Get outta here.

2. Child support. This is the biggest pet peeve I have when it comes to taking care of a child and what men think. First, let me state that no woman, and I mean NO WOMAN, is living off of child support. Unless you are Kanye or Jay, those little child support payments do nothing for a woman in today’s society. I have two kids. I get a total of $130 for one and $350 for the other a month.  That is a total of $480. My rent is $554, daycare is $140 a week, who is living off child support? Please! Men want to call us money hungry when we go through child support, but in actuality if you were doing what you were suppose to do, half of us would not even fool with child support. If I knew that I could call and say, “Hey, so and so needs some new uniform pants?” and I would get in return, “No problem,” then why would I file? But when you get BS every time your child needs something and you need help, you go with the only thing that you know will at least give you some type of assistance. Even though it is not enough. I once had my son’s father tell me that he would not help me with any of my bills because I choose to leave him. Those bills were my fault. Really? But your child is with me, full time. This is why child support was put in place. Now, I will say that some women use their child support for themselves and do nothing for the child. But this type of behavior is evident while you and the mother were dating. If you saw that she was no good while y’all were dating, please don’t act surprise when you see her in a new pair of Js and your child is rocking a pair of shoes too small. You knew she was a rat when you were dating. I’m just saying.

Now, before you go crazy, no, all weekend dads are not deadbeats. Some actually work hard and can only see their children on the weekends. But there is a big difference between not being able to see your children and not wanting to see your children. My biggest reason for writing this post was that single mothers d0 not get the credit that they deserve. Well, single parents, there are some excellent single fathers out there who fall into this category as well. We do not get the credit that we deserve. Instead, we have to stay strong and muster up whatever strength we have and take care of our children while the other party gets to sit around and do nothing, and then when the weekend comes, it’s their turn to do nothing again. When you deal with a child one on one for weeks on end, 24/7, then come and talk to me “weekend dads”. Right now, I just have no sympathy for you guys.

A True Bitch

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*this post was written a while back. It is now being reposted due to website malfunction*

Excuse the abrasive title, but when I look at this picture of Tameka Foster, Usher’s ex and baby mama, those are the only words that come to mind. Only a bitch would keep a man from his kids intentionally. You are mad because he has moved on with his life and you just can’t let it go. For me, as a single mother, women like this piss me off. Both of my kids father’s are not involved in their life. One just doesn’t give a damn and the other is too damn crazy. I would give anything to have a man that was an excellent father and wanted nothing more than to be there for their child. Women like Tameka do nothing but take stuff for granted. You are mad because he wants more time with his kids? Bitch, try having no one around to help you with your kids. Try doing everything solely on your own. And let’s not even talk about finances. My biggest pet peeve is when chicks say I want more in child support. Oh, 3 or 4,000 is not enough? Bitch, try getting $50 a week, if that. Women, stop being so spiteful. So what if he doesn’t want you anymore. So what if he is beating down a better chick than you. So what if his career is more successful than yours. What does this have to do with the both of you raising that child? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe you are affecting your kids in a negative way? What child wants to constantly be around their parents who are always fighting? This does nothing but put a rift between yourself and your child. It’s not worth it. So instead of being selfish and spiteful, have common sense. You have a man that would do anything for his kids. Give him his time. Trust me. Us single moms would never take that for granted. Be thankful he is asking for more time instead of ignoring your calls. We always criticize men for being deadbeats and then when a good one comes around, you still tear him down. Make up your mind.