I started this post writing about how I moved to California and had to move back to Atlanta 4 months later, but decided that wasn’t the story I wanted to tell. My real story has to do with the journey that moving back forced me to be on. When I moved to California, it was out of the blue. I moved because I wanted to change what was going on in my life. I thought if I had more people around me that were like me, had more opportunities to relax and just be in a different setting, I would magically be cured and start loving my life. That was quickly dismissed when I saw that the same bs was happening in California that was happening here. Granted, a lot of the bs was off of assumptions and lack of communication, but it was still happening. When I moved back, I felt like a failure. I had so much positive energy when I moved, but it slowly broke down and turned into negative energy. I felt just as worse than when I first left. I decided to channel this energy and figure out what was really going on. I realized that I knew absolutely nothing about myself. I didn’t know what I really liked. I didn’t know who I really was. This was why I was so easily dismissed by others. I mean, who is going to respect someone who has no presence?
I decided that it was time to find me…the real Jeanine. Not who others wanted me to be, but really who I was. So, how does one do this when they are jobless and stuck at home with their parents at 30? I’m glad you asked. There is no real answer to this. What worked for me was focusing on the good and focusing on the joys of learning more about myself. Did I have bad days? Yes. Did I have days where I wanted to just give up? Of course. Luckily, my support system, (my bf), helped to pull me through. I have never been a social person. I am an introvert to a fault. I barely talk to my own family, but having that one person to open up to helped me understand more about myself when I could no longer see myself. This is the major key into successfully completing a journey like this.
My journey is still going on. I honestly feel as if it will never end. I am learning more about simple things that I love. Hair styles, makeup, different practices in life…things that make me feel like myself. Instead of putting things off, I am challenging myself to take them head on. This post, for instance, is nowhere near perfect or what I wanted to write after taking such a hiatus, but it needed to be done. Writing has always been my thing and I sadly, started to let it slip away out of fear that I was not good enough or wrote like everyone else. But, hey, that’s what makes me different. I am Jeanine. No one else can be like me. At 30, I am no longer worried about fitting in. I am more worried about loving and living my life.
Dealing with depression all my life has made me realize that I really have a choice in how I want to live the rest of my life. I can mope around all day or I can actively try to make a change. And even when I try and things go wrong, it is not the end of the world. It is not an evil ploy by God to make every day harder. It is genuinely just life. Shit happens and happens often. The way you respond and react is the difference. This is the lesson that has taken me so long to learn. But I am optimistic that now I can finally learn this lesson and move on to my next journey.