the night i committed suicide

standing there…tears falling as I stir the food. dinner has to be prepared before anything. i wipe my eyes as more tears fall. echos of several rounds of “mom” falter in the background. music plays in my head to drown out that nagging voice. the voice that is telling me no. i glance at the kitchen shears out of the corner of my eyes. the music begins to get louder. the voice is quieter. i keep myself busy as they eat. cleaning the dishes for the millionth time. sweeping the floor. picking up clothes that are only visible to me. breathing becomes shallow as arguing ensues. i have no strength to tell them to stop. i sit at my desk, writing a letter that never becomes finished. silence finally as they are finally sleep. i stare at them in their peaceful slumber. they will be happier in the morning. the voice begins to speak up. i begin to play back reminders of why this pain began. the voice is quiet. i go downstairs. into the bathroom. the kitchen shears have appeared once again. i stare at myself in the mirror wishing she was a stranger. but she is me. this broken shell of a woman is me. this woman who can’t get it right. this woman who repeatedly fails. this woman who wears a happy face but cries daily. this woman who has no one. she. is. me. the voice starts to come around. say what you want…this deed is done. they will be happier when their problem is gone. everyone. the release is jolting. the pressure disappears. expectations diminished. freedom with every gasping breath.

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25 thoughts on “the night i committed suicide

  1. recoverytowellness says:

    …I’m not sure if I should be responding to this or not, but I will share a couple of two cents, if you don’t like it, you don’t need to respond.

    First, is this a creative writing piece? I mean, you wrote it so you’re not dead so literally speaking you haven’t died by suicide. Which is good, that would absolutely suck for you to die in such a manner.

    Second, there’s a lot of glorification of suicide in this piece. That’s bullshit. Suicide isn’t pretty or lovely or the best thing ever. Suicide is painful. Suicide takes away the chance of things ever getting better, and feelings ARE temporary and they DO pass eventually.

    Third, If you need help, ask for it. No one can help you if they don’t know what’s wrong. I’d suggest if you’re feeling suicidal to go to the nearest emergency room. I don’t even know if this is something people post and comment here but fuck it, it’s too important to let there be silence. I’d advise a hospitalization for you to stay safe. Living is worth it, even though it feels farther from the truth right now.

    Fourth, if you’d like help, it’s there for you to choose it. I can help you out a bit if you’d like, but you’d have to choose life in order for me to do that. Otherwise, well, it just doesn’t work both ways.

    Fifth, I hope you get the help you need. If this was a vent, maybe it helped you. I know for me when I’ve vented like this it doesn’t. It makes me upset and anxious and concerned that you’re going through this. You are worth more than the stars in the universe. We all find our place back within them one day, there’s little reason to rush it. But if you’re suicidal you’re not thinking with reason anyhow, I know, I’ve been there. Just hold onto hope, damn it. I care about you even if this is the only post I’ve read by it. You’re too damn awesome to toss away your life for a fantasized version of suicide that doesn’t even exist to begin with.

    Take care of yourself. Practice self-love. Get professional help. You are worth it. You are not alone. You are more than this.

    Again, if this is just upsetting, please ignore it.

    Stay safe, I mean it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Me says:

    I don’t even know where to start or how to say this. It’s by chance or perhaps divine intervention that I ran into this article. A few clicks on yahoo stories this morning and I’m finding myself on your blog. You sound like me… you sound like I was born twice and given two different families. Like you I’m an african american female, a gemini, I’m the single mom of two boys that I had young, I’ve always wanted to write since I was very young, and I’m doing pretty good for myself… but at the same time you were posting this last night I was having the same thoughts. I keep looking at the date to make sure I’m correct. But I sat on my bed crying last night because I wanted to die. I know how bad of idea that is. It’s horrible. I prayed and cried and realized that perhaps it’s time I actually get help. Seeing you in the same situation makes me so sad but at the same time it’s a comforting reminding that we are all human and many of us are feeling this way. We atent strange for ferling like this But there is hope and we can get help. It’s our job to seek it. People can’t read our minds or decipher what is really behind our laughs and smiles. I believe in God. I believe he cares for us and has a plan for our lives. But I believe we have to step out and do our part to get help and in the process we may find out what our plan is. I don’t know you but I love you because you are me. I genuinely care about you. I want you to get help. I will be reading blog for the rest of life. Lol. And always remember your boys love you too even though they are oblivious to what going on. If something happened to you they would be devastated. Once again I love you, seek help, and hang in there. You are already touching people with your life.

    Liked by 1 person

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