So, it’s finally that time. The moment has come. 10 years, yes I know 10, of being out of high school and it is reunion time. Before, I was the hyped one about this event. I couldn’t wait to get everyone together and reminisce about the good ole days and chat about upcoming ventures. Before, I was the one that was trying to convince my friends on going because it would be so much fun. That was before and this is now. Now, I won’t be going to my high school reunion.
Don’t get me wrong. I admire a lot of my classmates and I know the type of fun that we can have together, but mentally, I know this is not the right move for me. Recently I have caught myself resorting back to that 12 year old shy girl with low self esteem who tried to do any and everything to please people around her. That girl that would shrink whenever in a crowded room out of fear of judgment. That girl that would overly compliment other friends just so they could maybe throw a compliment my way as well. This is the girl I have worked so hard to get rid of, but I see her coming back. Whether it is a conversation between co-workers or a comment on Twitter, that 12 year old girl is coming back and I am not going to allow it. High School was a fun time for me. Nothing too crazy, but still fun. I had my table of friends, a guy I was crazy about, and pretty much no worries. But when I really think about it, I was always on the outside looking in. Never really a part of anything…just kind of around. I’ve noticed that more as I have become older because friendships have disintegrated out of thin air. Like, literally, people who I have been friends with for years have just disappeared, and like that 12 year old girl, I’ve blamed myself. Maybe I didn’t compliment them enough? Maybe I didn’t support them enough? Maybe I let too much of my personality outshine theirs? But seriously, why should any of that be a reason if I wasn’t so easily dispensable? I mean, I don’t get a lot of support but I’m still around. I don’t get many compliments and yet I still remain friends. But it is this thought process that is keeping me far from this event. This thought process is childish. Dumb. But, unfortunately, I’ve been placed there. Going back to that reunion is like going right back to high school. Going right back to that lunch room table. Going right back to that mindset. That is not where I want nor need to be.
My life is actually going well. For once. Yes, I’ve lost friends, but honestly, I am a 27 year old grown ass woman. Who cares who has left? Yes, I have memories and no, I really don’t know what caused any of this, but so what? It is what it is. My focus is not what I had 10 years ago, it’s what I will have 10 years from now. I’m no longer the shy girl trying to be seen. Hoping and wishing for that seat at the table; vying for a conversation or a laugh. I’m not her and I refuse to go back to her. So for those that are reading this that I did go to school with know that this is nothing against you. This is about me and my mental state. It’s time to let the past be the past and move on into the future. I can’t dwell on the “good ole days” because frankly, they weren’t all that. I can focus only on today and possibly tomorrow.