I recently was driving down the street and I saw a guy, on a bike, with three or four grocery bags hanging from the handle bars. For some reason it made me think about how some people are used to chaos and could somehow find calm in that. This guy, struggling to the store, will probably get home and feel accomplished because he did all that work and made it home. Another example, after a day of working I come home, cook dinner, bathe my boys, and have them in the bed within an hour. When everything is done, I have a small feeling of accomplishment because it was hard but it got done. For some, this is the only accomplishment that they have throughout the day. The only accomplishment that they will obtain in months. Is this a good thing? For me, I believe that I thrive on chaos. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. When everything is calm, I don’t know how to react. I blame this on the fact that I rarely have had peace in my life. Every moment has been a moment of some kind of chaos. Whether it was figuring out how to take care of my son as a single mother, or how to get out of being homeless, or how to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Hell, I can’t even go to the store without something crazy happening. It’s like chaos is an innate part of me and I welcome it. It calms me down knowing at the end of the day that despite all the hardships I had that day I was still able to get through it. But this is a major problem.
I feel like the fact that I am so calm during chaos that I am always looking for it. When things try to get calm or things have a way of working themselves out, I have to find some way to mess it up. I could lose 10lbs during a diet but pysch myself out of continuing it and end up gaining it right back. I could have amazing writing opportunities but brush them off because I am too tired to think about them thus keeping me from doing exactly what I want to do. I’ve noticed myself doing this more and more and I realized it was because of the mini accomplishment that I would feel at the end of the day. You see, if I actually sit and plan things out and try to create a calm environment that will take time. I want see the reward right away. I’d rather be able to lay in my bed at night and reflect on that fact that I walked 2 miles to my son’s psychiatrist just to see that a bus actually did go down that street and that I still was in one piece. It gives me a feeling of accomplishment. A feeling of resilience. If anyone had to do what I did on a daily basis, they would probably go crazy and the fact that I haven’t gives me a sense of worth. But what kind of worth is that? Surviving chaos is commendable but searching for it is not. It’s pretty screwed up. I have to start searching for my worth in other ways. If I have an entirely boring day and nothing happens to me and my phone never rings and no one ever talks to me on Twitter, I have to understand that it is okay. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with me. It doesn’t make me less of a person because I didn’t have a trying day. I don’t need to try and find chaos. I don’t need to start talking to someone I have no interest in because I am bored. Or drinking because what else is there to do? No. But, it does mean that I have to start finding meaning in the smaller things and start doing things that actually mean something. Me putting myself in chaos was a way of making myself feel like I accomplished something because others around me seem to be accomplishing so much. It was like I was trying to make myself feel like I am just as good as them. They have a beautiful relationship, but I got through this extremely rough day on my own. They are traveling the world, but I got through the stress of figuring out how to pay my bills on time. They are writing and getting a thousand views, but I was able to do all this housework in 30 minutes and work a 12 hour shift. You see what I was doing?
Me doing all that, putting myself in chaos just to make myself feel good, is detrimental. It’s bringing my quality of life down. It’s putting me in a horrible state of mind. And as a mother, I can’t be like this anymore. I don’t want my kids to go through this. I see how that effects other people who’s parents went through it. It makes you limit life. You begin to stay on this never ending cycle because you can’t see anything else. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for the hard days. They have prepared me for life, but that’s the problem. All that teaching is done. It’s kind of like I learned the lesson, did the homework, passed with an A, but I erase the answers and redo the work again. It’s stupid. It’s pointless. Chaos should not calm me and make me feel accomplished. Getting out and into the world should make me feel accomplished. Meeting new people should make me feel some type of worth. It’s weird and new, but it’s something that has to happen. I wasn’t put here to live a normal, yet chaotic life. Never been ordinary, so it’s time to dig myself out of that ditch and actually start living without chaos.