This has to be something I will forever be chasing. Excuse this post and it’s rambling effect, but I am in a blogging challenge and I am trying my best to participate wholeheartedly. But right now, I am irritated as shit and I don’t even feel like writing, but I am going to do it anyway. Basically my hang up is that word up there: Happiness. What is your definition of happiness? Have you found it? Did you ever have it and it left? How were you able to get it back? And for those who have never successfully had it, how do you achieve it?
Let me start by defining my idea of happiness. It is basically being content with every aspect of your life. You are actually able to look around and be just fine with everything that you have accomplished and whatever or whoever you have in your life. You are content with your looks, content with your living arrangements, content with your career, content with your significant other, just content with everything. That is my ideal version of happiness. Using my definition, I have never experienced happiness a day in my life. Yes, you can be happy, but I am speaking of true happiness. Being able to say, “I love my life,” and truly mean it. I have never been happy with my weight, never been happy with where I live, never been happy with the bullshit jobs that I have to keep, and never been happy with any of my significant others, except once. I know no levels of happiness and I am 27! It frustrates the hell out of me because like with everything I blame myself for this.
You cannot expect happiness to just come out of nowhere and find you. That’s what they say. But sometimes, I think otherwise. People luck up and stumble upon happiness every day. Stumble upon an amazing job, stumble upon an amazing relationship. It happens every day to other people so I often wonder why does it not happen for me? It’s like I know exactly what I want in order to be happy. Lose weight, move to New York, become a successful writer, fall in love. See…sounds pretty simple right? But no, losing weight I struggle with, which I really can say is the one thing that is kind of my fault because I give up easily. Moving to New York, of course is hard because I am a single mother. If I could do like I want, I would move up there right now and send for my kids once I was settled, but who the hell does that? I’m not Draya, I’m actually a good mother. The writing thing is one of those up and down things for me. I have all the tools necessary to be where I need to be, but fear is always holding me back. I mean, I have a book that’s been out for almost two years and how many people that I know have actually bought a copy? That in its self is draining because I go hard for everyone else, but I never get the same in return. Seeing my writing not be supported by even the people I know is hard because it is the one thing that I know brings me true happiness and I don’t want to let that go. As far as falling in love, ehh. lol.
I know that happiness is out there for me, it just pisses me off that it is so damn hard for me to find. Like, can I just have happiness in one section of my life so that I know it is something that can happen? Do I have to continuously struggle with every single thing AND take it on by myself? *sighs* Anyways, once again. This is another rambling post. I just had to get those emotions out so I can see where to go from here.