Leave work, smiling, happy. Get in my car and check my phone. This is where it begins. A non-answered text. This text sends me spiraling into a place that I know very well. A place that I have to confront almost weekly. A place where I find myself microwaving dinner, throwing on a movie for the boys and locking myself in my room, curled into a ball on my bed. A place where tears and thoughts are nonstop. This is nothing new to me. I’ve dealt with this since I was 9 years old. My first thoughts of suicide were around 12. This dark place was something I had become so used to that it got to the point where I knew exactly what was going to trigger it and could tell when it was coming on. Hence, where I am right now. My normal solution is food or liquor, but this would always make it worse. Liquor brought out more emotions and food just reminded me that I was fat and made me depressed all over again. A vicious cycle that I sometimes, still to this day, fall into. But tonight, I decided to do something different to try to clear my head. I decided to write. Get out all these emotions and not give a damn who saw it or who judged me. Of course this is easier said than done. Who knows how long it will take for me to push that publish button, but at least I can get everything out before my head explodes.
Why am I in such a depressed state? Well, let me first start by saying I am an extremely good actress. I laugh and giggle, and post random shit on Twitter, and post pics of me looking all perfect…ha! That is not me at all. Well, it is me, but to an extent. That is me trying to keep my mind clear. See, once I get inside of my head, it’s all downhill from there. Why am I still working a job that I don’t like? Why am I not where I want to be with my writing? Why am I the only one out of all my friends who is single? Why am I the only one who is taking care of her kids alone? Why am I the one who is never given a chance? Yeah, it must be me. I must not be good enough. See…this is what flows through my head when I allow it. If I sit and think about all the things that I want in life and why God is for, whatever reason, keeping me from it I start to truly lose it. I often am good at not dwelling on these things and putting my energy into something else, but then there are nights like these. Nights when I cannot control what my emotions do. I think this is the main reason why people, including myself, keep quiet about these types of things. People tend to think that you can control everything your body does and this is so far from the truth. Do you really think I want to be here crying over God knows what in the dark? No, I don’t. But just like you can’t help how much you love someone or who you fall in love with, the same thing goes for this. I don’t wake up saying, “I’m going to be a depressed bitch today.” No, it just is triggered and it happens.
Now, I’m writing all this as therapy for myself because I have not mustered up any strength to sit on a couch and deal with that whole thing. I have enough shit of my own to deal with as a single mother. The weight of that, alone, is enough to drive anyone crazy. Sometimes it would be nice to just have someone here to be strong for me. I have to be super woman every day, but sometimes I need someone to do the same for me. Anyways…if I decide to post this…people who know me do not and I mean DO NOT approach me with any of this. Act as if you never read it. I don’t need any sympathy or any extra phone calls or texts. Just keep doing like you’ve been doing because too be honest, it should’ve been done in the first place. Don’t act different just because of this post. This is something that I AM DEALING WITH and there is no need for all the extra coddling. Another reason why I have kept it in for so long. I hate to appear weak because I know that I am not. Anyways…I’m rambling and the tears have stopped…so I guess I’ll stop writing.