Today, I was talking with my best friend about the last asshole that bites the dust in my life when she brought up an interesting thing. She claimed that I was still in love with my first love. As I immediately cursed her out and denied everything, inside I began to wonder. Was she right? Could I have fallen back in love with him? No, it can’t be. That was years ago. I had moved on and so had he. So what if he was one of my closest friends. So what if he was the only one that could piss me off and seeing red and then in the same breath have me floating on cloud 9. So what if he was the only one I could spend hours with on the phone talking about absolutely nothing. Wait…dammit! I can’t be falling for this guy again. It’s kinda pointless. You ever wanted something but for whatever reason knew you couldn’t have it? That’s how he is. Yes, I know he would be perfect for me but that means nothing if he doesn’t feel the same. So what do you do to get over this ridiculous feeling?
To be honest, I’m still trying to figure that out. I’ve tried to block it out and move on, but no man does it for me like him. I’ve tried to reassure myself that if it’s meant to be it will, but then that leaves me even more frustrated. What gets me the most is I have no idea how he feels. We can talk about every subject known to man, but as soon as I try to bring up us, I don’t get a text back. So what does that mean? Does he still like me? Does he still have feelings for me? My answer for this is always, hell no, because he has a sleuth of heauxs (I promised him I would give them a fancy spelling lol) that he deals with. He can’t possibly want me and he’s banging them. Hell, we haven’t even had sex (long story). And then I start thinking, maybe we haven’t had sex because he cares about me too much to just treat me like a dirty dish rag. *sighs* See, this was much easier when I suppressed my feelings. But now, I’m screwed. Now, I’m realizing that yes, I do still have feelings for him and now I’m stuck. Do I risk telling him and he laughs in my face or do I just hold it in? Decisions, decisions. My mind says don’t do it while my heart is saying go. Life is too short to wonder why and what if. Sometimes you have to just take a leap and pray to God that that parachute opens. And if it doesn’t, well at least you will die knowing you did all you could. So whatever it is just do it. You never know what you are missing out on. Maybe I’ll just post this and see what happens.